


Homestuck: Act “Divergent Reality”

by Niolost



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, I’ll probably update the characters + relationships as things go on, Multi, Not Canon Compliant, after sburb au, i’ll probably also update other tags too, not everyone listed even appears in the first chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:46:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 39,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23910286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niolost/pseuds/Niolost
Summary: John Egbert has wanted nothing more than for life to be normal. Well, as normal as it can be after you lose everything you know to the deadliest game imaginable. And he’d think almost all of everyone’s troubles would be over after completing the game, right?Reality can often be disappointing. And what may come to pass can be far worse than a disappointment.
Relationships: Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 10
Kudos: 27





	1. Act 1 Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, this is my very first fic that I’ve done on AO3 (and, well, ever), so do tell me if you enjoyed it and what you think I could improve on! Any advice on working with the Homestuck skin is appreciated too! But enough of me babbling, I hope you enjoy the first chapter!

You aren’t quite sure what to say.

You’re honestly not even sure how you feel right now, honestly.

It took you all three years to finally get here, to get your reward for all the dumb bullshit you and everyone else had to suffer through. Jade’s ecstatic, Dave seems happier than you ever thought he could be, Rose definitely looks satisfied, Karkat’s even SMILING for the first time that you’ve seen, but...

You don’t feel happy, for some reason.

Everyone’s celebrating in the middle of a forest you all were unceromoniously dumped in by the greatest fuck you to all virtual entertainment, SBURB, left to take in the midday sun shining down on your victory.

But you aren’t happy.

Or really ecstatic, relieved, overjoyed, not really any of that stuff. You’re not sure how to describe how you feel, but you’re most definitely not happy. 

The first thought that begins coursing through your head is that you’re hung up on everyone who didn’t make it. A lot of the trolls aren’t here (including Vriska) and don’t get to be happy. Instead, they’re trapped in some huge black hole now, completely gone.

Actually, you don’t think that’s the reason you weren’t happy, but that definitely didn’t help you feel-

Dave: john you okay man

Dave: youve got the most solemn ass look on your face for someone who just kicked major ass and earned their freedom

Dave: and its definitely giving me a vibe along the lines of

Dave: wow i’m fucking miserable as shit even though we can finally be happy now and prank daves ass to my hearts content

Dave: like wow, imagine the amount of-

John: i’m fine dave!

John: you don’t need to go on the next big tirade of the day. we all heard enough of that back on the platform, and i’m pretty certain you can annoy karkat to death later.

Dave: you know karkats gonna live, the guys not the huge blowhard he was three years ago

Dave: but seriously

Dave: whatre you hung up on thats making you contemplate on the horrorterrors faster than handing rose a grimoire on a sunday night

Dave: shouldn’t you be jumping for joy and shit with the goofiest grin on your face

Dave: that tends to be your thing

John: you know, i’m not really sure.

John: i thought it was maybe everyone we lost and left behind that had me sad, but i’m not sure it’s that.

John: not that it’s not sad, it definitely is shitty and depressing.

John: i’m just… left feeling off.

Dave thinks on that for a moment. He looks around at everyone else, who’s settled down a little from the initial excitement. You definitely could tell everyone was waiting for one more “fuck you” from Paradox Space to ruin everyone’s chances at happiness before you opened the door to the new universe.

Dave: maybe you just need to let it sink in

Dave: we did just finish having our asses almost handed to us by a battalion of superpowered bastards hyped up on the mere prospect of teenage corpses

Dave: although we handled that masterfully mind you

Dave: it might help to just chill out for a bit and take it all in

John: that’s probably a good idea. speaking of letting things sink in, i’m probably just gonna check to see how everyone’s doing.

John: i have to get in some friend time before we start doing more work, since we need to restart society and all.

Dave: fair enough

Dave: i’ll be with shouty mccrabby pattie if you need me

Karkat: I HEARD THAT ONE STRIDER. AND YOU’LL BE FUCKING REGRETTING IT.

Dave: im sure i will karkat

Dave: anyway, talk to you later bro

Dave runs off to Karkat, leaving you to talk to whoever you want. Terezi ends up being slightly less annoying to you, definitely having Vriska on her mind. She says she’ll be fine, and that the both of you could figure out a way to steal Vriska back through some dumb retcon shenanigans anyway. Everyone else is doing fine regardless, taking the time to talk to each other and have a relaxed conversation without the lingering threat of being stabbed by some stupid double sided trident or being blown to pieces by an angry green muscular asshole.

Rose: May I kindly have everyone’s undivided attention, please? I’m sure everyone wishes to dilly dally with finally having some downtime, but I’m afraid I’ll have to spoil everyone’s mood with the pressing matter at hand.

After a few minutes, Rose’s smooth, reserved voice pierces through everyone’s chatter, leaving Rose to take center stage.

Rose: To recap, we’re all well aware by now that we must set the groundwork for civilization to spring up from the fertile grounds we have so valiantly fought for, since it certainly won’t do it by itself, as disappointing as it may be.

Rose: We’ll need to start with the repopulation process, of course, although i’m sure everyone would greatly prefer using ectobiology instead of beginning with a certain reproductive process we all know and cherish. Not that the troll’s way of doing such a thing is available to them, in any case.

Kanaya: Well Need To Rely Upon Some More

Kanaya: Unorthodox Methods

Kanaya: In Order For Us To Get The Mother Grub Adequately Prepared For Any Breeding

Rose: But, for now, ectobiology will suffice. In the meantime, we shall discuss other tasks, such as building at least a small town for a government to preside over, an actual functioning government…

As Rose continues to list off everything that everyone needs to accomplish, you find your mind wandering instead of focusing on the list of shit you’ll probably have a hand in. This definitely won’t bite you in the ass later for you to be lectured out by a certain seer. You decide that thinking about your future and what you hope to be and accomplish is the best use of your time. Maybe be a magician? You could definitely bullshit your way through card tricks a lot easier with the wind and all. Although that would be a disrespect to the great names of those who mastered the craft of trickery and magic, those who used their skill to astound the audiences, and those who probably scammed ignorant passerby eager to gamble on a simple card game. Truly, some of the most talented men to live. Maybe it would be better to join Nanna- or, well, Jane to bring back the great empire that was Betty Crocker (you vote to change the name to literally anything else if it gets brought back. Fuck Betty Crocker)? You may hate baking, but you were taught pretty well in the art of baked goods and any culinary activities by your Dad-

.

You suddenly want to think about something else.

A glow to your right catches your eye among the maple trees and cherry shrubs around you, a surprisingly familiar one at that. You can’t quite make out the source of the glow, being obscured among the trunks of the forest and other native flora. The white glow with a bluish tint slowly fades, however, leaving you to continue staring at the dark, endless, yet unassuming woodlands before your eyes. 

You get the feeling that either you’ll drop some shit that you’ll use to grab with retcon powers later, or you’re going to deal with some more retcon bullshit later down the line. You aren’t really all that bothered though, considering that you’re the only person with retcon powers. What version of you would try to fuck over you and your friends, anyway? It’s probably not a big deal, maybe you just went back to see what you missed from Rose’s huge speech. Speaking of which, you should probably start listening again.

Rose: … With that in mind, our new education system likely will be able to function so that the new generation may have all the information they need to be successful, and actually have at least a fraction of competence instead of being rendered unintelligent fools. I’m sure that we can go more in depth, but we can hopefully come to the agreement that we all know every necessary task to build the semi-functional groundwork for every race to blossom from to establish a decent civilization.

You’re starting to think that retcon idea is going to be very valuable. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

You are now JOHN EGBERT FIVE HOURS LATER.

You narrowly managed to avoid getting chewed out by Rose with some well planned retconning, and you’re making pretty good progress with your established role.

If only that established role was more interesting than leading mind numbing construction and carpentry for hours on end while consorts made cute, if pretty bad attempts at building little cottages. Although they’ve really only gotten one lopsided cabin done in the time that’s passed, it could be worse.

Roxy’s helping too, but she tends to get a bit distracted from the work for a short while whenever a consort does something like building a wooden wizard hat for her, or a very intricate wand. She still does some great work though, if you say so yourself. However, the consorts can make pretty good wands and hats out of wood, yet they can’t really build a house.

You aren’t quite sure how that makes logical sense.

Jade had gone back to get everyone’s homes from the planets (Apparently Dirk’s house made it out unscathed, since there was a giant black hole where a huge chunk of his planet was), giving you the ability to have professionally made tools to work with and duplicate instead of having to make shitty ones.

Most of the tools for your job came from your own house (including axes that the consorts can barely hold. Why did you and Roxy let them cut down trees with those things?), although you aren’t sure why you had them there, your Dad-  
…  
Your Dad never really used them much, you never really went camping or did any projects involving them.

You decide to see if Roxy needs anything (which is code for “get Rose’s mom to focus instead of LARPing with the yellow salamanders). Roxy is, in fact, LARPing with the salamanders, shouting “the most heroic wizard in all of LOPAN has arrived to save u all!” as you walk past two consorts dueling with wooden swords.

John: uh, roxy?

Roxy: ayyyy john 

Roxy: u see how talented these lil guys are? 

Roxy: they make the awesomest hats and wands, u don’t even KNO

Roxy: here, they even carved out some pretty rad tools too

Roxy hands you an incredibly ornate wooden hammer, intricate designs sprawling down the handle.

John: …huh.

John: how do they not know how to build houses, yet make these things so easily?

Roxy: i mean, just because ur good with one kind of thing doesnt mean ur good w/ slightly similar things

Roxy: especially with this buildin junk and makin art with wood only really sharing wood as a factor, u feel?

John: that’s true. but is there seriously nobody here that knows how to construct things?

Roxy: not that i kno of

You sigh. And here you thought this would be simple.

John: i’m going to look at the house, if you don’t mind?

Roxy: knock urself out, johnny

Roxy: use ur manly woodworkin skills to save this poor poor house from the cute lizards COMPLETELY terrible design that def deserves a nobel prize

They’re salamanders.  
SALAMANDERS.  
Rolling your eyes at the lack of correct reptilian naming, you decide to look over the failed house.

It’s not too bad, they have the wooden boards parallel to each other on each shared side, although the whole setup of the house looks more like a diamond than the square shape you instructed them to build. The roof’s even SLANTED, and nails are sticking out and bent all over the place.

Note to self; don’t leave salamanders to try and build something by themselves.

It ends up taking 2 hours to fix what was wrong with the building (actually, it only took one, you just used the extra time to make slots for windows for the previously windowless building. Roxy actually got herself focused and joined in to assist you, fixing the diamond shape problem with relative ease.

A few of the salamanders made you a decent chair and a glass of water (both still made of wood, mind you) so you could rest from the nonstop work you put in. You wipe the sweat from your brow, and why the hell did you do all this work in your god tier pj’s??? They made you super sweaty! Why did you do this for seven hours????

Roxy: is johnny doin ok after all his good work?

Roxy’s sat on the grass next to your chair, cupping a wooden cup between her two hands.

John: remind me… to NEVER… work in these pajamas… ever again…

Roxy: aw come on, u did fine anyways

Roxy: i say we earned a break. u def need some rest

Roxy: lets go get somethin to eat, huh? i heard everyone’s gathering over at dirks place for a movie night, and theres gonna be good snacks there too

Roxy: lets hope the movies included isnt 1 of those old pony movies, wed never make it through the night otherwise

John: ...pony movies?

Roxy: i would tell u, but you dont need to hear about the horrors lurkin within those dvds

Roxy: but anyway, u in for a rockin nite?

You think about this for a moment.

John: why not? it sounds like a good idea! i have some movies i could bring along too, although i can’t say all of them are good.

Roxy: r these movies cheesy?

John: oh yeah, definitely. way too cheesy.

Roxy: john, there is no such thing as too cheesy

Roxy: this nite’s gunna be frickin awesome, trust me!

John: if you say so! 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dirk: Why are we having this at my place again? Not that I’m complaining, I’m just thinking there are roomier places to hold this movie night. That, and I don’t need Terezi trying to lick my shit, even if she supposedly uses taste to see.

Terezi: WH4T? 1 S33 NO PROBL3M W1TH 1T.

Dirk: Hilarious. But seriously, I’m sure you’ve gotten your fare share of saliva on my drawing tablet and workbench. You can sit your rear on my bed when you’re done being a menace.

Jade: seriously? cut it out you two, we’re here to enjoy karkat’s movie night

Jade: behave!

Karkat: THANK YOU, HARLEY. IF ANYONE ELSE WANTS TO WASTE TIME MORE, BE MY GUEST. IF NOT, I’M SURE EVERYONE WOULD APPRECIATE TO START THE VOTING FOR THE FIRST MOVIE. AND I MADE SURE THAT WE HAVE FOOD TOO, COURTESY OF JANE, JOHN, AND JADE. SO IF YOU WANT TO NOT STARVE, GET YOUR ASS INTO THE KITCHEN.

Karkat: NOBODY NEEDS ANYTHING? 

Silence fills Dirk’s messy, smuppet covered room.

Karkat: ALRIGHT, I’LL GO AHEAD AND PICK THREE RANDOM MOVIES TO CHOOSE FROM THEN.

Karkat walks over to the lopsided stack of movies, grabbing three of them off the top and almost knocking the unstable tower to the wooden floor. 

Karkat: SO, THE MOVIES WE HAVE TO PICK FROM ARE-  
.  
OKAY, I DON’T KNOW ANY OF THESE MOVIES. THE FIRST ONE IS…SPACE JAM?  
I WON’T ASK ABOUT THE ANTHROPOMORPHIC BUNNY. THE SECOND IS GHOST DAD, WHICH SEEMS LIKE A SHITTY JOHN MOVIE. AND THE THIRD IS… THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT- WHY DID WE CHOOSE THE WEIRDEST AND STUPIDEST MOVIES GODDAMN POSSIBLE?

Jake: well, mister karkat, i certainly think that the last one isn’t as stupid as you might construe it as! it’s a horror shot like a documentary, and isn’t anywhere near as silly as the first two films.

KARKAT: OH. WELL, THE TITLE STILL FITS THE WEIRD AND STUPID DESCRIPTION, EVEN IF THE MOVIE ISN’T THE FUCKING COMEDIC SHITFEST THAT THE OTHERS PROBABLY ARE. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT WHAT I THINK, VOTE ON A MOVIE ALREADY SO WE CAN START.

The voting process was definitely one sided towards Space Jam (by that, you mean everyone was bribed by Dave with secret snacks he smuggled in). You would’ve voted for Ghost Dad if you weren’t taken by the temptation of Dave’s rainbow gushers. You’ll have to thank him for alchemizing those later. Even if they’re Betty Crocker, they’re too good to pass up.

It’s about… halfway into the movie, you think (is the point where Lola Bunny comes in the middle of the movie? You don’t remember) when you noticed Rose hadn’t come back from the bathroom. It’s been what, 30 minutes since she left? You hope she didn’t uproot another toilet or something to make her take this long. Why does everything in a bathroom need to be destroyed by Rose?

You excuse yourself from the room, saying that you “need to get some fresh air”, although you highly doubt anyone bought the excuse. You could’ve just opened the window you were sitting directly next to you so you could “

get fresh air  


”, but who gives a damn. You’re going to check on Rose, shitty excuse or not!

You walk past Dirk’s kitchen, baked goods and snacks overflowing the countertops and threatening to fall off. Looking around past the kitchen table, Rose clearly isn’t in the company of the orange walls adorning the living room, or making herself comfortable on the expensive looking black sofa facing a large screen TV.

Maybe it was too much to hope that she was secretly stealing all the food for herself and binge watching some documentary on the philosophy of Plato, or something. Although from what little you know of Dirk, that might be more his thing than Rose’s.

The bathroom obviously gives you no results, nor does anywhere else in the apartment (you did get jumpscared by creepy puppets and a broken down robot bear though. Not cool, Strider). You guess that she’s on the roof?

Dirk: I guess someone had to check on her eventually. I’m surprised it took you that long to notice though, John.

You jump at the sound of Dirk’s voice cutting into the ambient environment of the darkened living room. He’s lounging on the aforementioned sofa, fidgeting with the remote once belonging on the coffee table.

John: what the hell dude?!

Dirk: Sorry, not exactly known for giving a heads up at times before absolutely scaring the shit out of someone.

John: jeez, you’re like a ninja who has no social skills trying to be roommates with someone. what are you doing out here? you are gonna miss a huge chunk of the movie, and trust me, nothing sucks more than missing out on a good movie.

Dirk: And does that concern about missing the Looney Toons characters fuck around in real life apply to Rose as much as it does to me?

John: i was just gonna check on her, that’s all. she’s been gone for a long while for someone who’s just “using the bathroom”.

Dirk: True. But take care to remember that people probably just need their space. Or they just need “a breath of fresh air”. 

John: ha ha. well, i won’t take that long. don’t get so worried, it’s probably not much of a big deal.

Dirk: I’ll hold you to your word, John.

Dirk stands up, setting down the remote.

Dirk: Let’s just hope you aren’t wrong.

It looks like he only moves an inch before disappearing entirely. Guess he moves like a ninja after all.

You proceed to the stairs leading to the roof, where you find Rose sitting on the edge and star gazing, hands calmly clasped in her lap. She doesn’t say a word to the loud as shit squeaking of the door’s hinges, or even react much at all. You step out of the doorway, closing the door much more calmly than when you opened it.

John: hey, rose?

Rose: Greetings, John. Would you like to accompany me as I gaze upon the stars? It’s quite the calming experience.

You hesitantly walk towards Rose. You never really took Rose as the type to star gaze. Although, at the time when any of you were last able to do so, Rose was probably more likely to obsess over some weird wizard fanfiction or knit the night away in solitude than look upon anything that nature brings of her own volition. As you sit down, Rose looks towards you, still facing the night sky.

Rose: I’m sure you were worried about me. While I appreciate the thought, I am perfectly fine up here. I’ve simply been contemplating something that’s gotten my attention, and I simply couldn’t get it off my mind otherwise.

John: what is that, exactly?

Rose: I’m sure you’re already well aware of my abilities as a Seer of Light, that being to see the most fortuitous outcome. An ability that’s quite powerful, and has led us to this very victory through thorough planning and dedicated work. Yet my powers seem to have grown a new caveat since exiting SBURB.

John: is it something we should be concerned by? 

Rose: I’m not quite sure yet. Whether it’s hinting at our inevitable confrontation with the younger English, or a different threat, all I know is this: I am left unable to see any outcomes after a certain point, about a year from our perspective.

John: oh. but we won, right? shouldn’t we be done until we have to handle him?

Rose: When we have to handle the Lord is quite possibly after that time. Or it’s an insurance policy so that Lord English can make sure he will come into existence without us finding a way to circumvent his creation. One thing irks me about this, however.

Rose: If the timeline was functioning as intended, then there theoretically should be no need to inhibit my abilities, as we would be heading towards that fate no matter what we wish to do, and no matter what loopholes we wish to find. Which is where I have come to make the theory that there is either an error within the timeline itself that must be fixed to keep it stable, or deliberate foul play is afoot. But I’m not sure if said error or foul play even originates from English himself.

John: it could be that SBURB doesn’t want us being so overpowered after winning the game, that it gave you a handicap?

Rose: I doubt that. If the game wished to bequeath these powers to us and wished for the power to remain balanced, then this restriction should have already been in place. It would be like having gained the full extent of your powers before the ending of a game, but you have some of your power taken away for the after story content for no discernable reason. It makes no sense.

John: SBURB’s never been a normal video game, rose.

Rose: It’s played by a lot of the same rules as a normal video game, however. Simply with different mechanics.

Rose: I am fully capable of being wrong, John, but I still believe something isn’t quite right here. Even after finishing it, SBURB seemingly isn’t done throwing out it’s wildcards at the behest of the Lord.

John: we can still prepare for it anyway, i guess. and even if we do have a deadline, we should make the most of the free time we have and not worry too hard, right?

Rose: I suppose that’s true.

John: anyway, are you sure you will be okay? i don’t want you to wallow in despair on a rooftop for 5 hours like a chump when you don’t have to.

Rose: Ignoring the flattering comparison of yours, I will be fine. Have fun with the others, enjoy the cheesiest movies to ever grace mankind. I’ll rejoin you all shortly.

John: if you are sure, rose. you better come down to see at least one of the ghostbuster movies, or i’ll get back at you for a week straight!

Rose: Your warning has been heeded John. Now go ahead, I won’t be long.

You leave Rose to her stargazing.

—————————————————————————————————————————

Your name is Rose Lalonde.

Your title is the Seer of Light.

Your fear?

Your fear is that your hardships are only just beginning.

The stars seem to scream to you that you will never find a conclusion to the suffering you’ve all faced for three years, the obstacles blocking you from reaching a safe haven of serenity and contentment stretching on for eternity.

But you have a promise.

One that you aren’t ready to ever break.

What is your promise, you may be asking?

To put it simply,

My promise is that those willing to break our victory, will find themselves breaking under the pressure.

Be prepared, Lord English.

And any other foe better do the same.

For the Seer sees your rotten cores.


	2. Act 1, Chapter 2

Your name is DIRK STRIDER.

And you’re currently stashing a shit ton of “borrowed” swords, guns, oversized and surprisingly lethal sporks, hammers, and other random objects in your sylladex because your ecto daughter told you to.

You’ll be honest, Rose has neglected to tell you why she needs this for her plans. Though considering that she was the one who inherited your convoluted, cagey planning bullshit, you aren’t too surprised. But you trust she knows what she’s doing.

Stealing sylladexes and strife specibus’ from those caught up in the realm of sleep is about as much of a delicate process as you’d expect, though easier with some than others. But the one you don’t expect to be so hard is a certain John Egbert.

The man’s constantly tossing and turning, like he’s staring directly into the eyes of an abomination of a beast, capable of tearing him apart if it wanted, but intelligent yet sadistic enough to prey upon the terror it has caused in him.

You managed to steal his sylladex just fine, but the strife specibus is where he starts making it a pain in your ass. He starts acting like he’s in the middle of a seizure (you are by no means a medical professional, take your words with a grain of salt), and for the love of god Egbert, stop squirming all over the place.

It takes you about a minute to carefully grab the specibus (why did he have to leave it in his back pocket. It’s literally the hardest place to get at), thankful he was sleeping on a soft mat instead of a sleeping bag. That would’ve been goddamn torture.

You almost get to flash step away when John jumps up, clinging to the (frankly uncomfortable looking) mat he was once laying upon.

Dirk: Are you doing alright? You looked like you saw a fucking behomoth of a monster.

John: … why not just say “you look like you’ve seen a ghost?”

Dirk: One, we’ve seen ghosts in dream bubbles before, assuming you’re aware of those. Two, you’re dodging my question.

John: i’m fine, just a bad dream. and i know what dream bubbles are, i’ve gotten to see them for three years. and i got to see the destruction of them too. there was a giant black hole, tearing everything apart and dragging so many ghosts in. i don’t know how many people haven’t been sucked in.

Dirk: Hm. I haven't seen anything like that yet, assuming I still even see the dream bubbles.

You truly haven’t seen that yet, but that’s mainly because you were too busy waiting for everyone else to fall asleep to actually visit the bubbles.

John: well, whatever. i’m going to try and sleep again, and hope i don't see ghosts dying again.

Dirk: Good luck with that. If you want, you can sleep someplace more comfortable. Like on my bed or on the couch.

John: i’ll be fine. thanks, though.

Dirk: Sleep well. I can’t rest, so I’m going to get something to eat. 

John: don’t stay up too long, you don’t need to be tired as shit in the morning!

Dirk: I’ll try not to.

John lays back down as you leave the room. Finally, that was starting to drag on. You walk towards the stairs to the rooftop, the nearly midnight sky alight with countless stars. Rose is still sitting on the roof’s edge, looking at the billions of fiery suns that lie countless lightyears away. You could say she looks like Galileo, plotting the stars in spite of those claiming her work means nothing, that Heliocentrism is a lie-  
you get the picture.

Rose: I assume you have everything?

Dirk: Yes, I stole everyone’s shit. I took some shirt lint too, for good measure. I was about to steal everyone’s glasses, but I’m no crook.

She gets up from the ledge, turning to face you. Her face is illuminated by the light of the moon, giving her the look of an ethereal, divine being. Ignoring the fact that she technically is one, of course.

Rose: I certainly wouldn’t paint you as a criminal, father.

Dirk: You’re going to make this joke last as long as possible, aren’t you?

Rose: Oh, certainly.

Rose gives you the smuggest wink you could imagine, the slightest smirk stretching across her face.

Rose: But, regardless. I assume you could pick up on what my plans are?

Dirk: Given your secrecy, I can only guess. My first hypothesis being that we’re going to do some alchemization. 

Rose: Lucky guess, Strider. I wish for everyone’s weapons to be the strongest we can possibly make them. We need to prepare.

Dirk: For Caliborn, or the possible threat?

Rose: The Lord is not my main concern, Dirk. I have a feeling that things will be sorted with him by the time any other possible threat comes into contact with us. 

Dirk: I’m assuming we’ll inform the others eventually.

Rose: We will, when it’s necessary.

Dirk: Not last minute?

Rose: Of course not. That would be foolish. But I wish for everyone to be able to enjoy the victory we have earned, while they can.

Dirk: Yet John knows.

Rose: He likely assumes I’m overly worrying about English. I’m sure he doesn’t suspect anything.

Dirk: And I guess you want me to keep an eye on him?

Rose: Yes. His faculties are far beyond what we are capable of. I can’t predict what happens after a retcon, and it’s especially dangerous for him to be in the presence of a void player. They obscure my vision far more than I am comfortable with, in a case such as this.

Dirk: Rose, with all due respect, it would be far more advantageous for everyone to be in on this. Everyone could pitch in as we prepare, for starters, and give us much more manpower that we require. Communication wins the war, Rose, but a lack of it slits our throat.

Rose: …

Rose: Fortuitous outcomes can be fickle, Dirk. A single false step can send us sprawling towards something I cannot predict. I will, however, consider your suggestion.

Rose: I just hope that it isn’t a false move.

—————————————————————

Your name is JOHN EGBERT, and that nightmare left you feeling like shit. 

As in, completely shitty.

Terezi poking you in the stomach fifty times per second isn’t helping things.

Terezi: COM3 ON YOU L1TTL3 WR1GGL3R, G3T YOUR 4SS UP

Terezi: CROCK3R 4ND H3R LUSUS 4R3 M4K1NG GRUBCAKES, 4ND 1 DON’T N33D YOU DY1NG OF ST4RV4T1ON

John: ….blurgh, grub whats?

Jane: She means pancakes, John. And good morning to you, mister! You ought to get up, breakfast won’t last forever!

You begrudgingly get up, but you notice your stomach give a deep, piercing growl. You guess that seeing death and destruction makes your stomach hungry, despite how slightly morbid that sounds, now that you think about it.

Terezi: WOW, 3GB3RT, 4ND 1 THOUGHT 4 CHOL3RB34R COULD GROWL M3N4C1NGLY

John: i’m just going to assume that’s some weird troll slang for a bear, and not ask.

Terezi: 4CTU4LLY, 1T’S SL4NG FOR 4 HUG3, DUMB SP3C13S OF DR4GON W1TH BUCK T33TH 4ND GL4SS3S, KNOWN FOR TH31R L4CK OF 1NT3LL1G3NC3, BUT CLOS3 3NOUGH

John: oh, shut up terezi.

Not dignifying Terezi’s cackling with a response, you walk into the kitchen. The scent of freshly baked pancakes, syrup and batter fills your nose as you do, everyone feasting upon Jane and her dad’s fluffy cakes. Although, you make note not to look at the duo of bakers for too long.

You decided that you’ve gotten enough haunting reminders already.

Jasprose, with her cheshire grin, hands you a plate of pancakes already adorned with butter and maple syrup. You’re surprised you didn’t see more of her during the work yesterday, but you guess it was nice to see her again. She’s so different than she was before the retcons, before-

You really ought to stop thinking for five minutes.

Jasprose flies over to Rose as you sit down on Dirk’s couch by yourself, since everyone else took up all the kitchen seats. You cut a slice and take a bite, the pancakes tasting of absolute buttery goodness. 

After eating for a few minutes, Jake eventually joins you on the couch and turns on the TV. He starts going through this channel you don’t recognize (it’s a streaming service, he corrects you on later. It’s probably something that came up after 2009), and starts playing this fantasy show. The guy has two swords, and is apparently a professional medieval mercenary mutant or something. You didn’t catch all of it.

Jake: So John. What’re you thinking of this show so far?

Jake: I certainly hope you’ve been having as much of a smashing time with it as I have. It’s first episode is especially enticing, with that opening! Our brave, white-haired outcast valiantly slaying a beast with his silver blade, almost drowning in this perilous encounter!

John: eh, i guess. it’s not really my kind of thing. is there anything else we could watch?

Jake: Oh most certainly! Dirks catalog of movies and shows and what have you is almost endless from what I could gather over the months. 

Dirk: You mooched off of me for video entertainment for a lot of that time, ignoring the fact that you had movies and a TV of your own.

Dirk had walked over and leaned on the couch, his weight on his outstretched arm resting on the back of said furniture.

John: you guys hung out a lot, huh?

Dirk: You can say that.

Jake: Dirk, do you have suggestions for any movies or shows? John here wasn’t quite fancying this wonderful piece of filmmaking.

Dirk: The quality of that show is definitely a varying topic, depending on who you ask. Spoiler, the books were better by a long shot.

Jake: Says you, sir! But let’s not get off track shall we? 

Dirk: Well, I don’t much of an idea what his movie tastes are. John, list off a few movies of yours.

John: oh, well i do like a few nic cage movies, some McConaughey films, ghostbusters-

Dirk: If one of your first three examples include Nicholas Cage prominently, then you already have me concerned.

John: fuck you! the movies like con air are kinda shitty, i’ll give you that, but don’t you disrespect ghostbusters!

Jake: Pardon me but on the subject of Nicholas Cage, do you perhaps like National Treasure? One of the most classic treasure hunter movies to date?

John: oh yeah, you must’ve been the guy who put that in for movie night! i thought i didn’t put that one in there.

Jake: Well Mr. Egbert, I certainly have to show you some more of my collection of astoundingly jaw dropping flicks I could name!

Dirk: Warning, this includes blue space furries with tiny tentacles attached to their tails.

John: what? 

Dirk: I would elaborate, but I think you’d rather stay sane.

John: oh come on, it can’t be as bad as some weird kinky bullshit. i could probably name stuff that sounds fifty times worse.

Dirk: Go ahead, try.

Jake: You have my curiosity peaked, mister!

You think of stuff that could be fifty times worse than that. To be honest, you were expecting him to leave it at that, but hey! You can work with a challenge!

John: well…

And your knowledge immediately fails you.

Of course.

John: ...shitty anime dubs?

Dirk: Oh thank god, someone understands the atrociousness of any english anime dub.

John: i mean, i haven’t watched too much anime, since most of it kinda bored the everloving shit out of me with the over the top voice acting. they seriously sounded like they just wanted their paycheck so they could get the heck out.

Jake: To be honest, some dubs Ive heard were pretty decent or good! Its just that-

Dirk: Most of them are, without a doubt, abhorrently terrible?

Jake: Yes, that!

The three of you continued to banter on for a while about the quality of different shows, movies, and their voice acting in particular (this includes fierce debates on the quality of Sailor Moon’s english dubbing. Long story short, it’s bad. End of story). You never even chose anything else to watch. 

Although, what sucks on your part was that you couldn’t actually show the two of them the Ghostbusters 2 DVD you had on you. In fact, your entire sylladex was gone, nowhere on you. You thought you left it in your back pocket, didn’t you? You’ll look for it later.

After breakfast and an explosive whipped cream pie prank courtesy of Jane, the victim of such tomfoolery being Kanaya (you don’t think you’ve heard anyone scoff louder than a Maryam whose clothes were soiled), everyone was gathered by Rose again for another announcement. She basically talks about the plan with all the time travel stuff and preparing civilization, you already know what she said. Rose gave everyone their jobs, except Dirk and you, for some reason.

Rose had called Dirk over to talk to him in private about something, and normally you aren’t really someone who eavesdrops on people, especially on one of your friends during an important discussion.

You were about to fly off to see if any of the others needed help when something catches your eye in Dirk’s hand. A certain brown leather sylladex was in his hands, being turned and presented like a fresh catch from the open sea. The fisherman bastard flaunts the fish like the smug fucker he is, while nobody could give a shit about the 30 pound-

Okay, you actually don’t know any fish names that sound fancy enough to keep that joke going, but you know what you mean.

You aren’t sure if you should interrupt Ross to get it back. You don’t want to be an asshole, but you do need to figure out why Dirk has your sylladex. Now that you think about it, and checking your pockets and everything for good measure, your strife specibus isn't there either-

Dirk: John.

John: huh?

Dirk: Wallet frisbee incoming.

Dirk throws your wallet like a ninja star, much faster than you can react. You do catch it, though.

Just with your forehead.

It smacks against you hard enough to cause you to stumble slightly, the wallet hitting the concrete roof on one of it’s corners. Your sylladex bounces once, before settling on the ground.

Dirk: Huh. Thought you’d be a better catch than that.

You catch yourself as you kneel down to recover your property. He could’ve just handed you the wallet, jeez.

John: excuuuuuuse me for not having ninja reflexes. how am i supposed to catch a lightning fast wallet flying at my face?

Dirk: I’ll be honest, I could have put less force behind that throw.

Rose: From what I know from you so far, you tend to have no tact or control of your strength.

Dirk: Okay, no, I have some finesse with my physical movements.

Rose: My crushed hand begs to differ from our earlier handshake. But, getting back on track, let me explain something to you John. I need your skills and knowledge for an important assignment.

John: oh, i’m not really the kind of guy with any special talents or anything, i don’t think i’m going to be much help.

Dirk: So your impressive understanding of the alchemy system means jack shit? Rose used your knowledge in a full fledged guide for SBURB, John.

John: oh, i remember that! and i can help out, alchemy isn’t too hard for me. But isn’t there somebody else who’s more valuable for this?

Rose: John, give yourself some credit. I don’t remember if you are aware, but the trolls had used my guide in their session. I was told your section with the alchemization knowledge helped a great deal.

John: oh, really? well, what ever. i can help! 

Rose: Thank you. I appreciate your contribution, for this shall be greatly beneficial in the long run. Now, Dirk, may you lead our friend here to where you’ve begun your laborious task?

Dirk: Certainly.

Dirk leads you off, exiting his apartment into the sprawling woodland and towards a hill not too far away. He takes out a phone, connects a pair of earbuds to the device, and sets one bud in his right ear. You notice how fucking loud the guy has his music almost immediately. It sounds like some synth, electronic… you don’t know song genres well, give you a break!

John: uh, dirk?

Dirk: Hm?

John: i can hear what you’re listening to. you’re gonna kill your ears if you don’t turn it down. i know you cool guys don’t care about your personal health or whatever, but jeez, your music doesn’t need to be THAT loud!

Dirk: My ears are fine. What, were you wanting to talk?

John: i mean, anything’s better than just walking through a forest absentmindedly while the only person you can talk to is acting too cool for you.

Dirk digests that for a minute as you walk. He has the same stoicism younger Dave had, you noticed. And you can really notice it this time, considering that he isn’t dissolving into glitches when you’re talking to him like your first meeting with him. Or, well, other Dirk. Although his neutral expression just seems more natural for him than Dave’s kind of forced looking face he makes when trying to not look like he gives a shit.

You’re surprised you didn’t notice these things in your conversation with him earlier. Although, to be fair, you were kinda tired.

Dirk: Tell me about yourself, then. It’s about 8 minutes before we get my spot, we might as well have some small talk.

Dirk: And, for the record,

Dirk: I’m not cool.

He is edgy, though. 

John: well, i’m not really all that interesting. i like pranks, comedy, i do a bit of programming (although i’m still not good at it, even though i practiced for three years. i’m really bad). i’m a bit of a movie connoisseur, ghosts and paranormal stuff are pretty cool too. that’s some stuff i’m interested in, if that’s much to talk about.

Dirk: You don’t seem to be invested in the things you like.

John: i guess i’m just a bit too tired right now to be super excited or anything, i dunno.

Dirk: Well, I do have experience in robotics and tech. I’m available to teach you some things about programming, if you want. Are you having trouble understanding concepts?

John: it’s not that i don’t understand it, it’s just that it’s so frustrating to work with sometimes. it’s complicated to work around at some points.

Dirk: I’m assuming your frustrations led you to not work at it much over those three years.

John: yeah, and i had gotten preoccupied with other things anyway. daily gaming sessions, movie nights, practicing pranks, stuff like that. i just was more interested in stuff i knew i could do good at and improve, instead of things i could barely work around and was only somewhat decent at.

Dirk: Well, my offer is still out there if you want it.

John: i’ll think about it. 

The two of you walk in silence for about two minutes. There’s an awful lot of birds around, ravens in particular. They’re squawking a lot, particularly at Dirk. You’ve heard Dave talk about birds bothering him enough times before to think that birds just hate Striders. 

You have no clue why so many fucking ravens are here, they’re swarming the both of you in the trees. And the squawking is starting to get annoying as shit.

Eventually, Dirk leads you into a clearing, specifically one with that moderately sized hill you mentioned, big enough to fit a decent sized cave. He has a lot of SBURB devices moved in there, along with what looks like the rest of everyone's sylladexes and specibi.

Dirk: Before you ask, no, I didn’t keep everyone’s items. I duplicated them, don’t worry.

John: i mean, i wasn’t going to say anything, but alright. you didn’t seem like the type to steal everyone’s clothes and whatnot and collect them some like creepy stalker hobo.

Dirk: Didn’t think I was held in such high regard.

You decide to look through your inventory, and take out two items in particular; Fear No Anvil and Pop-O-Matic Vrillyhoo. You remember that you once tried combining these two at one point during the three year trip out of sheer boredom, although you knew the holes in the punched cards wouldn’t work.

The cards at the time agreed with you on that one. They also agreed that your ideas while bored are definitely the fucking stupidest (This included an idea for a prank involving Nannasprite, which unwittingly lead to you being on the recieving end of being squashed by a big gusher. Don’t ask). 

You begin to brainstorm ways that you could possibly end up combining these otherwise incompatible items. You should be able to find some discernable way to make the items work together, right?

Then an idea hits you. Why didn’t this occur to you before?

John: dirk, you know how there’s a limited amount of alchemizable items?

Dirk looks up from the captchalogue cards he had begun sorting through.

Dirk: Through testing, yes. So?

John: do you think we could change the card punchings of the card’s codes, so that different codes that normally wouldn’t line up, WOULD line up?

Dirk: Theoretically. But for one, we aren’t exactly geniuses with this tech, nor do we understand the inner workings of these things. Two, we don’t even know if we’d get a unique outcome. It could just take a result from one of the other trillions of outcomes possible from any other random mishmash of bullshit.

John: well, couldn’t i just use my weird retcon powers to just edit the machines or something?

Dirk: You think I have any understanding on what your power’s limits are? You barely have grasp on them as is, from what Rose has surmised.

John: hey, worst comes to worst, i just accidentally teleport my ass out of here. i can just come back, like nothing happened. it’s worth a shot, right?

Dirk: I suppose. But can you do me a favor?

John: sure, what?

Dirk: Don’t somehow tear the fabric of existence as you pull this shit , I don’t need myself being torn into literal AND figurative splinters from a reality warping black hole, or anything this stunt causes.

John: i’ll try my best not to, dirk. wish me luck!

You walk over to the Punch Designix, and you place a hand on it. You’re reeeeeaally hoping you don’t teleport into the center of the earth and get utterly annihilated in a huge sphere of disintegrating death. You begin to glow in the familiar blue and white as you close your eyes, the light blinding as it envelops you.

When you open them, you aren’t greeted by the homely and surprisingly neat cave Dirk had taken his work to.

You’re instead greeted by a gargantuan black hole the size of the moon that’s way too close for comfort, tearing apart reality at it’s seams. A strange green aura surrounds it as it pull in shards of the very ground you stand on into the endless void.

You’re beginning to think Dirk’s worries weren’t misplaced.

—————————————————————

The Heir disappears. Obviously, his bullshit powers did nothing to the machine itself. 

I know what you’re thinking right now, and no, I’m not going full evil narrator mode. Who am I, some shitty anime villain? Come on, cut me some slack.

I don’t even know if anyone is hearing this, I’m just monologuing like an idiot in my head. But, it’s somewhat theraputic in a way. Helps get my thoughts down, orient myself correctly, you get the idea.

Getting back on topic, John just teleported who knows where instead of fucking up the Designix, so I’ll just have to carry out some alchemization in the timeframe that he’s gone. He probably won’t be absent for long, if he even survived. Considering that he has the ultimate Deus Ex Machina of time fuckery in his possesion, though, I’m sure he’s fine. I don’t think he’ll mind if I mess with his duplicated items.

John Egbert has an interesting character, though, I’ll tell you that. The buck toothed optimism of a seemingly ignorant yet surprisingly smart kid, wanting to help his friends for the sake of it. At least, that’s how he looks on the surface.

As I’ve come to know (and I’m sure everyone else has too), nobody involved with this game is that simple. Everyone has their issues, their secrets, their skeletons in their closet. None of us are going to be perfectly okay after what we’ve seen.

We all have our imperfections, as I’ve already said. And that’s fine. But, if I’m going to be friends with Egbert,

I’m going to be interested in what he hides behind his mask.

... Wait, Rose asked me to make sure he didn’t retcon.

Son of a bitch. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This second chapter came out well, I think! Be sure to leave your criticism in the comments!


	3. Act 1, Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so.  
> Procrastination sucks ass, haha.  
> But I finally got the chapter done, so that’s good at least!  
> If necessary I might go back and improve this later on, but I think after a while with no updates, I needed to have something for you guys!  
> It’s a bit longer of a chapter too, so hopefully you guys enjoy the increased length!  
> As always, criticism is great, so leave it in the comments!

A young troll stands in the midst of destruction, and of those who have twice fallen into the void of death. The time demon slain, sent into the remains of a collapsed green star by four heroes trapped within the magical superweapon this very troll unleashed.

Well, technically she’s sitting on a rock, but we won’t mention that.

This youthful (and slightly bitchy) troll’s name is VRISKA SERKET. You are her, and since you are suitably her, you are starting to get real sick and fucking tired of this monologue on what’s going on.

You need this time to think, dammit, not to waste time on the who and the where.

You… actually aren’t sure where to go from here.

You obviously know you’ll head out to the new universe soon, dump that damn clown in the fridge into the sea (as promised) and handle things from there, although you didn’t actually think of what you’ll do with the down time.

You mean, of course you’ll be lauded as a hero and all that jazz, the great Vriska Serket (in which you are obviously cool enough to garner the title, wasn’t that obvious? ;;;;) ), but you didn’t exactly think of what you’ll be...

You know, doing with that glory.

Meenah: yo serket

Meenah: youve been sittin there for a whale after english dropped like a fish outta water

Meenah: u gonna get yo bass up or what

Meenah: the big glubbin black hole over there ain’t waitin on you to quit schemin

Vriska: Alright alright, Peixes, I’m moving my rear for you. I can continue “schemin” to my heart’s content in the infinite crowd of soon to be double dead bastards.

You stand up and stretch, before planting both hands on your hips. God, it’s great to have as much shit to deal with. You follow Meenah,  
the space you had in this desert area giving way to a bunch of dead bastards, many with shared faces you don’t bother naming. Except for a select few, of course.

Those few being the very people you were waiting to see.

A red fairy and a blind mage.

Vriska: Well well well, if it isn’t Ms. Megido!

Aradia: oh, vriska! i didn’t expect to see you here, much less survive the initial collapse of the green sun

Sollux: we kinda fucked 0ff after it c0llapsed, and  
i had bets placed

Sollux: since y0u’re here, i have t0 f0rk 0ver 500 b00nbucks t0 the universe f0r giving me the exact 0pp0site 0f a dead assh0le

Aradia: shoosh, be nicer for once!

Sollux: y0u’ve kn0wn me f0r sweeps, y0u should als0 kn0w that’s an imp0ssible request

Meenah: (are these motherglubbers moirails or what, i’ve never fin able to tell)

Vriska: (Why would you think I’d know? I don’t give two shits if they’re papping or pailing on the recuperacoon, I have 8etter things to worry about!)

Vriska: Hey, not sorry to interrupt whatever that was, can you two help Meenah with something for me? It’s suuuuuuuuper important.

Aradia: what’s the favor? we don’t have much else to do

Meenah: (when did i algae to do somefin for you or with these lame buncha chumps)

Vriska: You see, I need you to gra8 8 dead humans, specifically god tier. I’ll tell you why when you get them, just grab em’. And no dou8les, 8y the way, that’s not gonna 8e helpful.

Sollux: we can grab a d0uble 0f y0u to say fuck y0u anyway

Vriska: As long as this dou8le doesn’t have dreads or whatever meenah’s hair things are called, go ahead.

Meenah tenses slightly. Not that you actually noticed, or care. She can calm down from whatever she’s probably pissed about later

Aradia: i suppose we can do that! we’ll get it done in a

Sollux: d0n’t fuckin say it

Aradia: timely fashion!

Oh my god.

Vriska: Oh my god.

Sollux: 0h my g0d

Meenah immediately untenses and snorts.

Meenah: it ain’t a fish pun

Meenah: but i glubbin loved that meggy ram

Vriska: Yeah yeah, it was genius, get a move on you three. Your timely fashion’s not gonna remain fashiona8ly relevant much longer!

You begin shooing them off, but as Meenah and Sollux begin to leave, Aradia walks up to you. What the hell is she-

Aradia: may i talk with you for a minute?

Vriska: Sure, why not, we have all day, totally gonna ignore your timely fashion promi-

Aradia: i’m just curious about something vriska, i won’t take long!

Vriska: Okay, fine, shoot. If it’s not going to take long.

Aradia: do you care about how you killed me? about killing tavros?

Vriska: … Why the hell are you 8ringing up something this irrelevant?

Aradia: i consider my death water under the bridge too, but humor me

Vriska: Okay, I’m answer your dum8 question later, go get the humans.

Aradia: i thought you would ask how i knew about you killing tavros

Vriska: You pro8a8ly talked to his ghost or whatever to find out, I don’t care. If I answer, will you go get the humans after?

Aradia: i was going to anyway, but sure!

Vriska: Then my answer is-

You stop yourself from saying no. Do… do you actually not care? You did go to far killing Tavros. You admit that. But.

Did you go to far with-

Okay, no. You aren’t going to entertain where that thought was going, you know what your answer is.

Vriska: I don’t have to answer this.

Aradia: i think you already answered it to yourself vriska

Aradia: but thanks! we’ll be back with the ghosts!

She turns around and flies off with Meenah and Sollux.

You… aren’t sure how to process that.

Aradia’s still your FRIEND, duh. Is she? You hope so, your gr8ness would be wasted in relation to her.

It sounded like she was playing with you like you’re paranoid that everyone always does, but at the same time…

You go ahead and push through the crowd. You want to forget about that.

You run away through the crowd. Pushing past all the people who failed in life. Those who faltered or made the wrong choice.

You have a job to do. And Megido’s not going to distract you from this.

You run until you run into John Egbert. Your John Egbert.

And you mean literally run straight into him. Inadvertently being waaaaaaaay too close to the black hole, might you add.

John: woah!

Vriska: ow, what the hell- John, why the fuck are you here?

John: oh, i accidentally retconned here while trying to mess around with alchemy equipment, i was trying to see if i can cheat the alchemy system and get a ton more alchemy options, although considering how it works, i’m not sure if it can create things that were never meant to exist-

Vriska: ...Okay, I’m actually not giving much of a fuck as to why you’re here anymore. Listen, I’m gonna need you to gra8 someone.

John: oh, uh, i guess? i suppose i can while i’m here. although, is this going to be another dumb nonsense plan? sure, your last one worked with all the big bads and everything, but i don’t get a lot of the matchups.

John: i mean, shouldn’t me, rose, and dave handled jack since jade was asleep? he kinda was our final boss.

John: although dave kinda did sign up for fighting the lord english jack guy, so i can’t really pin that one on you.

Vriska: John, please, I just need you to trust me here. Don’t you think that would help here? Listening to 8itchy 8itchy 8itchska when she’s ATTEMPTING to make this a cooperative relationship after three years?

John: okay, okay, that’s fair! what do you need?

Vriska: I just need you to grab good ol’ Crocker, the literal one Life player left alive. You know, that one?

John: are we reviving some random ghosts or something?

Vriska: Okay, no, we aren’t fucking throwing around extra chances at life to random morons. We’re reviving some specific doomed bastards to go fight Lord English.

John: wait, hold on, what? i thought you used that juju thing to get those trapped heroes to handle him.

Vriska: No, the YOUNGER one. The one that becomes the 8eefy 8astard that just died. You see, the heroes that were supposedly trapped in the Juju, and they were you and your human friends? The Lalondes, Striders, Harley, you, that whole deal.

John: wait, really? i thought those heroes were like, some random SBURB players from a completely different session entirely.

Vriska: Hold on, since when did you hear about that already? I was planning to tell you about all those rumors about that weapon.

John: oh yeah! i was told that by you. or, well, you from my original timeline.

Vriska: ……..Did this me have some weird thing with her hair?

John: what do you mean?

Vriska: Like, was the hair styled like little hair ropes.

John: what????

Vriska: Okay, those things Meenah has with her hair?

John: ...you mean braids?

Vriska: YES, that’s what those stupid fuckers were called! Did she have those?

John: maybe? i dunno, it’s been like three years for her in the dream bubbles, she could have done something like that in that time. i wonder how she’s doing now, actually!

John: i lost track of her and everyone else after i got my retcon powers and they went on the fritz.

Vriska: Okay, you know what? Doesn’t matter how she is. 8ack on track, I need Crocker to revive these guys so they can fight in your stead.

John: wait, can’t we just go fight him instead? caliborn’s a bit of an overpowered asshole, sure, but we’ve just come out of a way worse situation. and we lord english has been beaten too, so it’s not like we have to worry about not being able to beat him.

Vriska: John, I’m not exactly sure what goes through your head sometimes, 8ut think a8out it; wouldn’t it 8e EASIER if we got some willing participants to handle both versions of English for us? It’s one less stupid thing to worry a8out, trust me.

John: ...okay, that’s a fair point. i’m just not sure how i feel about using some random versions of us as pawns to fight him, though.

Vriska: Look, it’s as I said, we can choose WILLING participants. It’s not like everything has to 8e done with forcing people to do shit against their will.

John: but isn’t that what you did all the time? you always tried coercing people into doing stuff for you, and when THAT didn’t work, you did your weird professor x mind control stuff.

John: wait, did professor x have mind control? i never read much of the marvel or x men comics, they always struck me as the boring, average shelf clutter you’d find in some shady run down seven eleven. so i wouldn’t exactly know, haha.

Vriska: Okay, ignoring how i only know half of the shit you just mentioned, that was a while ago John. I don’t think actions I took from when I was younger are completely reflective of me now. 

Vriska: Look, can you hurry it up? The black hole may not be endangering us now, but I don’t need to be torn to teensy weensy shreds from you wasting time on references nobody cares a8out.

John: okay, okay, sheesh, i’ll get on with it! i’ll be back as soon as i can.

John begins to glow a dazzling, blue-tinted white light, before disappearing from the crowd of specters. That should handle that detail of your plan.

To be honest, you just added that part on just now, but nobody needs to hear about that part. It had occured to you that deceased life players may not be able to revive fellow ghosts (Has that been a thing? You aren’t exactly sure), so with John’s convenient arrival, you were able to account for that little wrinkle.

Now, all you need to do is-

Aranea: I suppose we’re starting your puppeteering show without me, my younger Serket? I have to admit, I am quite late to see the Lord’s demise, the way he obliterated most of the heroes you released from the juju. And instead of wanting to send John off to meet the very same fate his now dead counterpart met, you instead wish to thrust a now irrelevant one into his shining role. To what end, I wonder?

Sigh.

Vriska: Oh for fuck’s sake. I am not up for more morality shit!

——————————————————————————————————————————

Your name is JADE HARLEY. And you are working with your good penpal and recently in-person friend, JAKE ENGLISH, to retrieve as much useful information as possible from the World Wide Web.

And to figure out how to get Carapacians and Consorts acquainted with the internet itself, of course!

Although going off of your volunteers so far, the Carapacians are apparently well versed enough in humanity’s computer tech, which makes sense. They do have access to high tech all of their own.

The Consorts, however?

Despite their eagerness to learn, they… are absolutely bad at this.

Besides that, though, you both decided that a break was in order. Mainly because the previously mentioned Consorts were tiring, to say the least.

Jade: gosh, you’d think the consorts would have caught on by now!

Jade: they seemed to have caught on to they alchemy stuff so easily back in out session, it’s so strange that they can’t even grasp typing words on a computer

Jake: Well I certainly don’t have much on the inner workings of these little buggers since ours had up and kicked the bucket on us a great time before we ever began our session!

Jake: I never caught onto the alchemy system myself too much, but i agree that this does seem to be quite the odd disconnect in technical know-how

Jake: It seems like they have no interest in the computers the computers themselves in fact

Jake: They seem enamored with mucking around with the keyboards and such!

Jade: ugh, we’re probably not going to make much headway with them at this rate!

Jade: it’s probably best we focus on equipping the chess people and everything!

Jade: do you think that printing out every transcript of every known nation’s laws from the united states Constitution, to the constitution of japan, to denmark’s constitution, to-

Jake: I don’t mean to interrupt your train of thought there!

Jake: but would our efficiency with our government political escepades and what have you 

Jake: Well you know

Jake: Be extravagantly more simple if we decide to entrust them with the knowledge at their disposal through the World Wide Web, as it’s known, and allow them to figure it out?

Jade:

Jade: okay that’s probably gonna needlessly sacrifice less trees

Jade: although we can just alchemize paper for printing but that’s besides the point!

Jade: it’ll save up on time anyway, they’ll figure things out in the thousands of years we’ll jump forward

Jade: not sure why i didn’t think of that before, though

Jake: Ah well, my dear Harley

Jake: Even if you miss such minute details i can certainly muster up easier solutions!

Jake: Two brains are better in coordination and camaraderie than one!

Jade: that’s true!

Jade: you know, i haven't gotten to say this to you yet, but it’s so nice to meet you fully in person!

Jade: i don’t think either of us had anticipated us being from different sessions, i always thought you were going to be my ACTUAL grandson

Jake: It seems we were both mistaken! Although having a pseudo-relative who’s part canine and has odd witchy space boonfuckelry is infinitely more of an awe-inspiring blood tie to possess than simply a techy wizard of a grandmother

Jake: It feels almost as if we are cousins moreso than any other familial relation we could possibly have?

Jade: estranged cousins that were distanced by the spacetime continuum in different universes?

Jake: Well yes, that would be a more precise descriptor!

Jake: In any case i assume we aren’t going to dawdle around with such a trifle as sitting around on our respite from educating reptilian creatures?

Jade: i’m not sure what else there is to do?

Jade: we could look at the other houses that were constructed yesterday, although i’m not sure how remarkable of a pastime that would be

Jade: although these wooden chairs are surprisingly comfy!

You begin to feel the smooth, ornate piece of furniture your rump is placed upon, admiring it’s craftsmanship that would rival any master carpenter. You think John mentioned the Consorts making them?

Which is odd, they could barely even put together pieces of wood to make a decent house, but they could assemble such ornate furniture and ornaments for a house?

Consorts are so weird!

Jade: we COULD check up on the others, but i don’t want to interrupt them! i wish we had time to actually reconnect before going back to dealing with other things

Jake: Well if we were to check up on our amigos without being a bothersome duo of intrusions, who would you suggest we go to?

Jade: i think dave and karkat would be good candidates, i think they can multitask easily with just putting different forms of DNA together and talking with us!

Jake: Well lets stop beating our gums and get a move on!

Jade: uh 

Jade: what?

Jake: What?

Jade: jake, what does beating our gums even mean? talking?

Jake: Well, yes! I thought it was a simple and easy to understand phrase

Jade: it’s not that it’s hard to understand, it’s just

Jade: can you speak like you’re from the twenty first century? we talked about you trying not to do these dumb weird old timey phrases nobody knows in one of our first letters, if i remember right!

Jake: Ah, apologies, I was so used to speaking to Dirk and Roxy and Jane after so many months, I had forgotten our agreement!

Jake: But, we should still get a move on yes? We ought to make use of our free time!

Jade: oh yeah of course!

You stand up from the still comfy as all hell chairs, exiting the quaint little cabin and heading towards where you remember Dave and Rose an Karkat and all the other troll’s meteor that had landed on Earth at some point. It wasn’t too far, just a five minute walk away, although a very samey looking walk with woodlands as far as the eye can see. The sky was a cloudless bright blue today, the bright sun shining upon you and Jake.

Jeez, it really is hot today.

Curse the Egbert Harley English Crocker bloodline for having the dark hair that you do, your super long locks always catch so much heat! You’d forgotten how sweltering Summer could be on the battleship. 

Alone.

Thankfully, you can easily reconnect with all your old friends! It’s not like they’d leave you in the dust.

They’re not like that, you know that much.

Walking through the dense population of quercus rubra, better known as the northern red oak, that litters the region as far as the eye can see, you begin to take notice of what you’re passing in particular. Since you were here, you thought you would expand upon your floral knowledge as the ametuer botanist of the group!

But, anyway, you pay attention to your surroundings, taking note of everyone’s current tasks as you go. Roxy and Terezi are handling the final touches on the basic construction of the settlement on the new earth, continuing on where Roxy had left off with John. Terezi is adamantly saying something to her job partner that you can’t quite make out.

You hope things are alright over there!

Rose had invited Calliope to work on plans for something in the place of her previous planning partner, since Dirk and John are off doing only Skaia knows what for her. Rose said she was going to explain what’s going on at lunch, so it probably isn’t too earth shattering.

Jane and the sprites are handling the supplies part of the preparations (Jane gives a cross between a grimace and mild confusion whenever Jasprosesprite and ARquiusprite are within a hundred mile radius. Which is probably why she’s been looking incessantly constipated as you pass.), and now…

You come upon where Kanaya, Dave, and Karkat are working. In the ectobiology chambers, deep within their meteor. 

Except you’re still outside, genius. 

Jake: Ah so this is their interstellar vessel! Seems very… shabby so to speak

Jade: i mean, they lived for three years on it, it’s probably not that bad! although-

Jake: They had to deal with the unpleasant company that seems to be Ms. Serket

Jade: yeah, i’m not sure how they survived with her on board though! she’s always so bossy, and such a asshole to boot

Jade: i don’t get why she acts like she’s so great, she’s done bad things from what john had told me, before… 

Jade: well, yeah, she’s not that great.

Jake: Let us not dwell on her, i doubt we’ll ever have to be in a position to mitigate her brutish tendencies again! Its not as if its our responsibility to be around the spider woman, so how about we lighten up this conversation a mite bit!

you step onto the steel platform leading towards the looming dark entryway to the inner parts of this metallic and rocky labyrinth. 

Jade: hm… did any of you guys have a clue about ectobiology in your session? you didn’t have to go through a lot of the things we did in our session, including the baby selves part john did.

Jake: Well it wasn’t a requirement on the games part but if i remember correctly, roxy had gone and used the process to make many mutant kitte-

Jake gets cut off by a blur of black, grey, and a slight bit of bright orange slamming into him from the nearby bushes, causing the two to tumble and bounce from the collision a few meters away. That blur being Dirk Strider, black tank top, grey jeans and all. which makes no sense, why would you wear so much dark clothes in the middle of summer? that’s just begging for you to be a sweaty mess!

Dirk: Alright, next time I’m running through the woods, I honestly need to keep my perception way more on the up and up.

Jake: Golly hell, dirk, what in the blue faced fucking blazes was that about?

Jade: uh, are you two alright?

Dirk: Let me see…

Dirk: We’re twisted together like a fucking pretzel on the ground with twigs and leafs all over us like Hella Jeff facing his retribution after all the years that he warned Sweet Bro about them stairs, and his karma bit him in the ass at a metro park.

Dirk: This is like every other Sunday, we’re fine.

Jake: Easy for you to say when your good bro’s admittedly muscular arm isn’t dangerously close to elbowing you straight in the nether regions!

Dirk: Alright, getting up now.

You hop back down from the platform, getting these two dumbasses up off their butts and wiping off all the twigs and the like caught on their clothes and in their hair.

Which is harder to do when the pockets of Jake’s short sleeve green jacket and tan cargo pants are now an abyss of leaves.

Jade: what is your dumb ass doing running through the woods at sonic speeds?

Dirk: Oh, so we aren’t banned from talking about speedy blue furries here.

Jade: okay, i walked into that one a tiny bit, but don’t change the subject! what’s so important that you needed to crash into jake in the process of running like a madman for it?

Dirk: A complication.

Dirk proceeds to… dash? disappear? become a blur? what the hell is he doing, he looks like a superpowered japanese cartoon character.

You forgot what japanese cartoons are called.

In any case, he runs off faster than you can comprehend.

Jake: Ugh, my apologies jade, but i need to make sure dirk isn’t pummeling more passerby into the ground and figure out what form of bullshit he’s getting his grubby hands on!

Jade: it’s fine! i’ll just see what the two weirdos and kanaya are up to, i’ll probably still be here by the time you guys are done with whatever shenanigans you’re getting into!

Jake: Bah, the shenanigans are unlikely to be too insurmountable! Goodbye for now jade!

He runs off, and it dawns on you that Jake’s clothes are plenty dark in color, like Dirk’s.

You look down at your bright green sundress, little white bec symbols dotting all over it.

Jade: why does everyone not know how to dress for hot weather???

—————————————————————

Yo, the name’s Dave Strider. 

Apparently it’s a common theme for me to talk to myself like a moron, so here I am.

Doing exactly fucking that.

Karkat’s grabbing us some grub right now, because making babies gets your appetite going faster than Scooby Doo flopping his ass on a table filled with hot dogs.

Wait, that sounded wrong.

Fuck.

Okay, we’re making babies with ectobiology.

Much better, thank jesus.

So anyway, Karkat’s grabbing food, Kanaya’s being the mama troll for all the little dudes we’ve been creating, it’s going good.

We starting an orphanage up in here, getting baby showers left and right for these little buddies.

“Sir have we given a proper baby shower?”

“What the fuck, why is there no shower or cleanin shit you fucking incompetent son of a bitch.”

“Excuse me sir, but we had to give them the figurative baby shower, we couldn’t move so much plumbing in time for your party.”

“Bro, I had to shower this baby perfectly, you don’t understand, I’m gonna die now.”

“Oh shit.”

“Oh fuck-“ and he explodes like John slapping a gusher on my glasses.

Which I still don’t forgive him for, you don’t just do that to a bro’s shades-

Kanaya: Might I Ask What Youre Talking About Over There

Kanaya: Youve Been Muttering Of Human And Troll Newborns For Ten Minutes Straight

Kanaya: Is This What Dirk Was Teaching You, That “Mumble Rap”

Dave: oh uh no

Dave: i was just talking to myself over nothing dont worry

Kanaya cocks an eyebrow at you.

Kanaya: Mm Hm

Kanaya: In Any Case

Kanaya: Would You Wish That I Take Over Ectobiology Duties Then

Kanaya: I Feel That These Grubs Are Losing Interest In Me And Growing Bored

Dave: this is your excuse to mess with the slime right

Kanaya: 

Kanaya: Dave

Dave: yeah

Kanaya: I Will Mess With The Slime

Dave: go ahead maryam

You go ahead and walk over to the kids, Kanaya taking your place at the terminal.

You guys were using people from the past to get ecto slime from as per Karkat’s brilliant idea, including random troll figureheads of the past, to Abe Lincoln, Cleopatra, any random fucker from your home universes (you made sure Matt “the guy with the horse sound for a last name” McConaughey was in this list, along with H. P. Lovecraft for John and Rose respectively. You didn’t know who Jade would want to have ectoslimed, so you’ll probably ask later.

Wait.

You just remembered that Rose said she had no clue about Cthulhu or H. P Lovecraft, and apparently had the “better quality” creatures of the horrorterrors.

How does that make sense, Lovecraft’s bastards are way more well known.

Then again, the guy’s a piece of shit.

Whatever, you sit down and start paying attention to the troll and human babies.

You attempt to make sure they don’t overwhelm you or bite up your red time hoodie. You took the time to make this dope ass hoodie, you ain’t getting it ruined.

Karkat: HEY DAVE. HEY KANAYA.

Karkat walks in with your food, which just so happens to be very disgusting looking bugs.

Oh, and a PB&J with Apple juice, that is the correct order sir.

Dave: welcome back karks

Kanaya: Greetings Karkat

Karkat hands each of you your respective meals, before sitting besides you with the wrigglers. 

Karkat: SO.

Dave: hm

Karkat: I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT SOMETHING, AND AFTER TALKING WITH JANE, I THINK IT’S TIME I BROUGHT IT UP.

Karkat: SHOULD WE REVIVE EVERYONE ELSE?

Kanaya: Specifically Whom

Karkat: WELL, EVERYONE THAT ISN’T ALREADY SHOVED INTO A SPRITE.

Karkat: EXCEPT NEPETA? HER HEAD’S JUST FUCKING GONE, I DON’T KNOW WHERE THAT WENT. SO I DON’T KNOW HOW WE’D REVIVE HER NOW. NOT TO MENTION THE ONLY OTHER EMPTY SPRITE IS GONE SOMEWHERE, SO WE CAN’T EVEN THROW HER BODY INTO THAT.

Karkat: POINT IS, SHOULD WE REVIVE FEFERI AND ERIDAN.

Kanaya: Well

Kanaya: Will Any Impromputations Be Necessary

Karkat: FOR FUCKS SAKE, DID WE HAVE TO BRING BACK THAT WORD?

Karkat: AND I DON’T FUCKING KNOW, I HOPE ERIDAN WILL AT LEAST BE BEARABLE AND NOT MURDER US.

Karkat: HE WAS STILL OUR FRIEND. AT SOME POINT.

Dave: i mean

Dave: three years can mellow out a guy

Kanaya: 

Kanaya: I Have My Opinions

Kanaya: But I Feel Eridan Can Come Back As Well

Kanaya: I Hold No Grudges Anymore

Kanaya: I Think Being Bisected Through The Waist Provides A Friendly Lesson In Any Case

Karkat: A

Dave: a

Karkat: A FRIENDLY REMINDER???

Dave: a friendly reminder

Jade: uh…

You all collectively look over at Jade, just standing in the metallic doorway to the ectobiology lab. 

Uh.

Dave: uh

Jade: do i want to know why we’re talking about bisecting people?

Dave: i don’t know honestly

Karkat: LONG STORY SHORT, WE’RE REVIVING FISHY ROYALTY, ONE BEING A BUBBLY SLIGHTLY CONTROLLING FISH PUN WEIRDO AND THE OTHER BEING A POMPOUS ASSHOLE THAT IS ALSO AN INSECURE DOUBT FILLED GUYWHO COMMITTED MURDER.

Karkat: IN OTHER WORDS, FEFERI AND ERIDAN.

Kanaya: Yes

Kanaya: That Is What One Would Call A Long Story Short

Karkat: I-

Karkat: I DON’T NEED TO JUSTIFY SHIT, SHUT UP

Dave: but yeah

Dave: were planning to revive some folks

Dave: no biggie

Jade: that didn’t answer my question about people being bisected, but okay!

Jade: i guess it would be nice to meet them?

Jade: i don’t think i actually talked with people much in the bubbles, so i never actually got to know anyone

Jade: i did talk to feferi at one point though, if i remember

Jade: she wasn’t really all that nice to me at the time, but maybe she’ll be nicer to talk to now?

Jade: i doubt eridan would be much different though, he was always so rude and condescending!

Karkat: I HAVE HOPE.

Karkat: WHICH IS IRONIC, CONSIDERING HE ACTUALLY DESTROYS HOPE ACCORDING TO DIRK.

Dave: you talked with him

Karkat: YEAH, I TALKED WITH SOMEONE WITH COMPETENCE, HOW IS THAT SURPRISING?

Jade: i mean, dirk seems interesting to talk with so why wouldn’t he?

Jade: although the only real interaction i had with him is just him bulldozing jake before running off

Jade: although he quickly sped off in a rush without apologizing so i’m not even sure what was happening there, or if it was serious!

Kanaya: Im Sure Its Nothing Jade

Kanaya: I Run To Get Places Faster All The Time

Kanaya: It Tends To Be More Efficient

Karkat: UNTIL YOU SLAM FULL FORCE INTO SOMEONE HOLDING BOILED BEAN BEVERAGES LIKE A CANDY HUNGRY YOUNG HUMAN GRUB RUSHING TO STEAL SUGAR FROM THE FULL AS FUCKING SHIT STOMACH OF A FIFTY FOOT TALL SWEETS VENDOR WHO CONSISTENTLY STUFFS HIMSELF FULL OF CHOCOLATE DIPPED HISSBEASTS.

Kanaya: Get Out Of The Way Then 

Jade: on a different happier note, it’s so good to see all of you!

Jade: jake and i were on little break from trying to get silly herptiles to understand since the chess people got the hang of human technology"

Jade: although i don’t get how the consorts were struggling so much, john told me they seemed to latch onto things quickly!

Dave: a herpes what

Kanaya: Herptile Dave

Kanaya: A Reptile

Jade: OR amphibian!

Karkat: CONSORTS ARE STUPID AS SHIT IN GENERAL, I DON’T GET HOW WE WERE MEANT TO GAIN ANYTHING REMOTELY INTELLIGENT FROM LITTLE RUGSHITS WHO KEEP STEALING MY SICKLES TO TURN INTO WEIRD ASS EARRINGS OR SOMETHING.

Karkat: THEY DON’T EVEN *HAVE* EARS, THERE WAS NO POINT IN THEM TRYING TO SELL THOSE OFF ASS SHITTY JEWELRY.

Dave: i had literally no faith in them either honestly

Dave: hard to trust dudes who decided to think that boiling you alive with onions like youre some exotic meal they never tried yet but were dying to get on their hawaiian island trip

Dave: like

Dave: sir have you heard of this new part of our getaway cruise to the bahamas

Dave: oh shit what is it

Dave: you get to experience being tied to a pole roasted above a searing hot fire before being chopped up into a dope ass shish kebab for the locals

Dave: hey buddy do they eat my brains

Dave: hell yes they eat your brains

Dave: then fuck no

Dave: but consider how youll be used in a religious offering to the god bluhbluhgok

Dave: man this sounds like white dudes pretending to be natives

Dave: thats exactly it though its the best cashgrab youve ever experienced bro

Dave: like you gotta be eaten by millionaire cannibals its a ten out of ten experience

Jade: pff, you are still such a “cool” nerd!

Dave: ain’t much changed harley

Karkat: BESIDES HOW YOU HAVE STOPPED LYING TO YOURSELF ON HOW YOU ARE COMPLETELY COOLER THAN ONE OF YOUR HIP AND COOL HUMAN RAPPERS THAT STILL ARE SHIT NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU INSIST OTHERWISE?

Kanaya: And Have Realized That You Will Not Catch The Plague By Being Platonic With Male Friends

Dave: okay karkat has a point on part of that but but listen

Dave: platonically sleeping with your head in your bros lap aint gay in the slightest

Dave: the homo has no place here yall, only nice moirails railing the mois

Dave: platonic feels in the house, cory will enjoy this motherfucking sequel

Dave: not that the gay isn’t good, just aint for me you know

Jade: dave, i don’t know how to tell you this…

Dave: wait tell me what

Jade: weeeeeellllllllll……..

Jade: you know how you sent me that one pesterlog between you and john discussing how you weren’t a furry despite indulging in my art stuff?

Dave: why do i not like where this is going

Jade: i could be wrong, and i don’t think i have been yet, but….

Jade: i could detect a HINT of a crush in there!

Karkat: IM GRABBING THE POPCORN.

Kanaya: Oh It Seems We Have A Development

Kanaya: Dont Mind Me Ill Definitely Continue With Making Grubs And All That Without Listening

Dave: okay hold on what

Dave: i do not have a crush on john

Dave: never had

Jade: you seriously said, in your words:

”Dave”: yo bro id completely cuddle yo ass to death yo if you dont stop calling me a furry yo

Jade: seems pretty big of a hint here!

Dave: okay one i do not say yo that much

Dave: two that was a cute impression not gonna lie

Jade: :P

Dave: three that is obviously paraphrased to make me look bad in this argument

Jade: fine, don’t believe me?

Jade: look at the specific part of the log in question and see what that says to your dumbass!

Jade proceeds to whip out a new phone she definitely never had before, scrolling a bit through it, and then showing you the screen.

This screen definitely has no gay subtext in the slightest. 

Not at all.

Anything alluding to such a thing is presposterous, fuck you moving on.

Dave: jade this is how bros banter

Dave: say ambiguously gay shit while making it obvious that it’s a joke

Dave: completely and utterly obvious

Dave: gals do not understand such banter bro only knowledge here

Jade: :/ uh huh

Jade: color me convinced in a completely unconvinced way dave

Jade: its okay if karkat somehow awakened your gay too!

Karkat: OKAY YEP CONVERSATION DONE.

Karkat: I ALREADY HAD A DUMBASS CONVERSATION LIKE THIS WITH JOHN AND DAVE ALREADY, DON’T NEED THIS TURNING INTO A HARLEY EDITION.

Jade: okay okay!

Jade: but we are talking about this later dave

Dave: and it shall forever continue to prove nothing

Kanaya: Like How Tony Hawk Proves To Not Be A “Shitty Skater”

Dave: okay thats it

Dave: we takin out the big guns here

—————————————————————

Pardon the interruption, but I doubt we’ll see much further important information there!

But, where are my manners, I must give you an introduction.

I am a ghost from the past, here to haunt your present and future! Jake and Dirk would likely cringe at my existence, but ah well, splinters all the way down, ey?

I shall not ramble too long for you all, but I must muse to you a bit.

Rose is getting AWFULLY hung up over a simple blind spot, isn’t she? I would like you to do her a favor and calm her nerves a bit, yes?

And what better way than to muck up the timeline a bit for her, loosen it up and loosen HER up?

Tell me, do you think that miniscule worries will stay on her mind for long, if you distract dear Lalonde from them?

Trust me, I only have her bests interests in mind!

But, oh lordy, I ought to get to the point!

I’d like you to make a choice for dear old John.

Would you rather have him do another chore for dear old Serket, or head home and wait for what is fated?

I’d like to hear your COMMENTary on the subject, haha!

I digress, however, I must get going.

Don’t leave our dashing windy trickster waiting!

ENTER.

John:_____________________.

======================>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My damndest apologies, i almost forgot an important link! you certainly will wish to send your commands towards this wonderful little place, aye?
> 
> https://divergenthomebound.tumblr.com/
> 
> Choose your commands wisely. ; )
> 
> \- A Ghost From The Past


	4. Mini Intermission (Mintermission?) 1

Alright dear readers, it seems I have made a fool of myself.

If you had read my previous request at a proper time, you’d be aware of my command base that I had dutifully set up for all you wonderful viewers.

By that I mean I forced the author to do it and type all this out for me.

Ah, and he flips me off quite nicely to prove his point!

In any case, I made an egregious as shit error in NOT TURNING ON THE ASKS TUMBLR THEY SHOULD ALREADY BE ON YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SH-

Uh.

Hm?

What the fuck is this.

Oh, apologies, I forgot that you were arriving soon!

That didn’t answer my question, Jake(?).

Ah, I’m not EXACTLY Jake, but good guess chum!

Does this have something to do with your-

SHUSHSHUSHSHUSHSHUSHSHUSH.

SHUSH.

Dirk Strider, you do not provide spoilers this early on!

Sorry, didn’t realize I had to be respectful to the guy who stopped my attempt at an at least decent death.

I failed everyone and you know that, at least let me join them.

And I’m giving you a second chance! But that’s neither here nor there. Dirk, we need to change your color!

What.

That orange has already been taken, we need a nice unique color for you to express yourself with!

The only thing I need to express is my need for an honorable death.

Here, how about...

That!

...

Okay, I’ll work with this.

Also, why did you just slap the guy typing?

You could have just asked him to change the color.

Dirk, you misunderstand, I run a tight schedule! Can’t waste a single moment, slapping my oral edges together to ask a simple request takes too much from my time!

One, what the fuck is “slapping my oral edges together.”

Two, that guy looks like he’s ready to snap your neck faster than Jason on his way to machete your ass on a good ol’ thirteenth.

He’ll be fine!

I’m concerned about your continued neck privileges, not him. Still didn’t answer my first question by the way.

Dirk, allow me to sign us off first BEFORE we continue this tomfoolery?

Alright, fair enough.

You fine folk know what to do.

Tata!

\- A Ghost From The Past, And A Disillusioned Warrior

(I could have picked a better name you know.)

(Shush.)


	5. Act 1 Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those reading this, know that there were some initial issues with the images and text when the chapter was first published. They have been addressed now, and you should be able to experience this in a more smooth and error free manner! This made me shift the publication date as a result, so those who read this chapter with all the errors beforehand can experience how the chapter was supposed to be!

Well, it seems only one command was submitted in the timeframe I allotted!

Granted, I didn't think much of anyone would submit a command at all, so I've come to gather that I'm quite appreciative of knowAll. Thank you chum, you've allowed us to continue this grand expedition through the lives of these children!

But let’s see what happens as a result, aye? The consequences of this decision are on you, my friend.

As they always will be, for anyone who makes these calls.

Until next we speak again!

(-A Ghost From The Past)

—————————————————————

Welcome back to the boy known as JOHN EGBERT. The boy being you, you nerd, who the heck else?

To get on the topic of recent developments, you aren’t exactly sure why you decided to go through with helping Vriska.

You mean, her weird stuff is her weird stuff, and if it’s finding some slightly morally ambiguous workaround to not fighting Lord English and that Caliborn asshole, then it’s not something you want to poke your head into, really.

Although, you don’t really want Vriska hurting random versions of your friends, even if they’ve already died once.

You’ll probably make up your mind by the time when you and Jane get back to her on this.

Speaking of which, before you do anything, you forgot to change out of your god tier pjs from this morning in the rush to get breakfast.

You really haven’t changed it since yesterday at all, which is probably gross.

Thankfully, everyone fucked around in their free time apparently and made new clothes, including you.

So you had retcon hopped to your house, changed into your brand spanking new duds (that being that green jacket you alchemized from vriska at one point, a nice light blue version of your original green ghost shirt, some nice cargo shorts with a simple ol’ black leather belt, and simple black sneakers), then retconned to the designated work hub.

Said work hub is now infested with undead consorts now.

John: what the...?

The work hub, with little market stands remeniscient of how you think a medieval market would appear, and a small boxy wooden stage with a podium is being flooded. Specifically with undead salamanders, crocodiles, you name it, like sharknado’s surprisingly amphibious victims made their own shitty version of a natural disaster.

Skele-flood?

Eh, you’ll improve the joke later.

Standing upon the podium is a strange, robed fi-

CASEY CAN SUMMON SKELETONS???

You switch to the Salamancer.

New father fears your power.

He fears what you have attained.

Casey Von Salamancer has risen above new father’s and Mistress Rose’s puny godhood-

You are now John again, and Casey’s doing some little dance while flailing her arms and staring at you.

She must be excited to see you! You were dead in this timeline after all.

(FEAR ME FATHER-)

You aren’t sure where she got all the undead stuff, she hadn’t pulled any of that stuff on the ship with you and your original Jade.

Although that’s enough about your timeline.

You fly on over to Casey and pick her up in a great big hug!

(I WILL MAKE YOU AN UNDEAD SERVANT SOMEDAY, YOU WILL GIVE ME INFINITE PANCAKES)

You decide to bring her along, she might have fun hanging out with you! Besides, she could maybe help with necromancy if she wants. Although you don’t want her getting hurt, so maybe not.

In the meantime, in the sylladex you go!

The skeletons fall apart when Casey disappears into her card, leaving a carpet of bone in all the previously undead consorts’ wake.

You should probably get a move on and zap on over to Jane, Vriska’s going to get impatient. You’ll help clean up the bones later, it’s not like it’ll be too hard to handle all of it. You let yourself be enveloped in the familiar glow, it’s surprisingly cold feeling washing over you as your body disappears from the messy marketplace of long since living reptiles.

You reappear directly in front of Jane, who proceeds to ram a crate directly into your stomach. You keel over from the blow, for you are mortally wounded. You will perish, the crate has murdered you.

The crate rises up the ranks to COFFER DIVERSIONIST, gaining the god tiers.

The BOX of ASSHOLE has killed the HEIR of BREATH.

Jane: What on earth- John???

John: ow…. i REALLY need to figure out how to not teleport right in the direct path of pain.

Jane: You probably should, I think this little crate here almost became the first of it’s kind to murder a god!

She sets down the said hostile wooden container, and helps you back to your feet.

Fuck that crate.

John: sorry for getting in the way, but can i get you to do something for me?

Jane: Hm…

Jane: Depends on if this little venture is gonna get us into a whole heap of trouble of the timespace bullshit shenanigans kind.

Jane: Since I am not quite up for THAT brand of foolishness at the moment.

John: well, i think you just need to revive some people, then we can go back to chores and stuff, i don’t think it’s too complicated for you!

Jane: Hold on, let me guess.

Jane: Is this for that one “spider troll” woman who I keep overhearing things about?

Jane: She had gone to fight that behemoth known as Lord English in the bubbles with all the dead folk, from what I heard of her escapades anyway.

Jane: She definitely seems like the type to disturb the dead.

John: ...you know-

Jane: Oh my goodness gravy dried to my damn baking spoon.

Jane: Of course it’s her.

Jane: Don’t get me wrong, John, but I certainly do not find her to be of the trustworthy sort.

John: i don’t really trust her either?

John: i just kinda went along with what she asked so i could make sure she didn’t pull some random illegal fourth dimensional crime against humanity or trollkind or something.

John: vriska just does what she wants to get stuff she thinks needs done, no matter what.

Jane: Hm.

Jane: You know, perhaps I should conduct a little investigation into this Vriska Serket, I’d like to help you keep a keen eye on her!

Jane: My grievances aside, of course.

John: that should be fine! it won’t look suspicious anyway, so i doubt there's actually going to be much issue on her end.

Jane: Unless I start prodding for information, as per investigatory necessities?

John: yeah, we should DEFINITELY keep the info digging on the down low here.

GCATavros: uH,

GCATavros: wHY ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT VRISKA, wE STILL HAVE THE REST OF THE SUPPLIES TO HANDLE,

Jane: Oh, I’m so sorry Tavros! Something important’s come about that requires our attention. Do you think you can handle the rest of the crates?

Jane: Ten should not be too many to load onto the carapacian ships.

GCATavros: oH, sURE,

GCATavros: bUT,

John: but what? we’re not doing something that’s much of a big deal, if you’re thinking about that.

GCATavros: nO, nOT THAT,

GCATavros: i WANTED TO GIVE JANE SOMETHING, oF GREAT IMPORTANCE, wHICH IS AN ITEM,

Tavros grabs this very familiar looking necklace (amulet? whatever), a white one with a bright green SBURB spirograph. You…

You know what that is, you’ve HAD one before, what was it for again? You know it was for sprite stuff. Did it summon sprites? You think so.

Jane: Your sprite pendant?

Jane: Tavros, I don’t think that’s necessary.

GCATavros: wELL, i JUST THOUGHT THAT IF YOU NEEDED ANY HELP, iT WOULD BE USEFUL TO YOU,

GCATavros: sINCE YOU MIGHT NEED SOME BACKUP, tO HAVE YOUR BACK, iN CASE YOU NEED SOMEONE TO WATCH YOUR BACK,

Jane: Well, thank you! That’s quite thoughtful of you.

John: if we’re done, we should probably get going, the sooner we get to vriska, the less annoyed she’ll probably be with how long i took to get you.

Jane: Gosh, she is not that patient is she?

John: i mean, she doesn’t get overly angry about, she just taps her foot arms crossed or something and goes “Took ya long enough you 8astards!” before moving on like she didn’t just give you some un-resting bitch face.

Jane: Well, what are we waiting for? Do I just…?

John: oh, you can just grab my hand, it’s not a huge process. you just need to be in contact with me for the whole zapping thing, and we should be good!

Jane: Oh, alright!

Jane, instead of going for your suggestion, just decides to daintily place her hand on your shoulder, waiting for you to do your thing.

You begin glowing, and you start to see the dark blur of that black hole.

Oh no, wait.

That dark blur is actually Dirk tackling your ass into the ground and interrupting the retcon entirely, leaving Jane standing there, eyes squeezed shut, hand still where your shoulder was.

She waves her hand in the air where you were located, like you didn’t get slammed like Tom Brady saw you as a football to absolutely obliterate with his foot.

Did Tom Brady actually ever kick footballs in his position?

You don’t know shit about football.

Jane: What on-?

She turns around to see Dirk pinning you down by the shoulders as you wriggle around trying to get his legs off you-

He’s actually pretty muscular, now that you think of it. Not like, marine-style muscular, of course, just super muscular for a guy that’s sixteen, and biceps strong enough to hold your skinny butt down with just one arm with no problem.

Why did you need to point this out?

Jane: Dirk, why in the name of all that is baked and hard-boiled did you just-

Dirk: It was either that or punching him unconscious, I prefer this method instead.

John: ow...

Jane: So straddling him like you’re on a pony ride in Alabama in the middle of July, is a more effective method, than just.

Jane: Shouting or asking for us to not go yet.

Jane: That’s your five star restaurant logic in this situation???

Dirk: Well, Jane, consider this.

Dirk: I could have A; let you two zap your ass out of here faster than the Flash on caffeine before I can get a word in, or B; tackle this fine Egbert gentleman to make sure I can actually get the important as shit information I have to you two.

Dirk: I prefer handing you both the hottest gossip in this week’s edition of Lalonde’s Got The Imperial Feminine Fish Cuck’s Spy Plans, thanks.

Dirk: Seriously, this situation is important enough to necessitate this.

Jake: I beg… To differ… My speedy as all blimey hell associate in chuminess…

Jake was apparently not far behind him, panting heavily at Jane’s side as he has both hands on his knees. Jeez, Dirk must have ran as far as shit.

Either that or Jake’s super out of shape, both are likely possibilities.

Jane: Oh thank goodness, Jake, do you have ANY clue why Dirk is hauling his anime behind to tackle John?

Jake: I wish i had that answer but he barrelled into me with full on abandon before zipping off with an incredibly vague as damn hell answer!

Jake: So his pouncing machinations are far beyond me! I was simply making sure no more hapless passerby would be mercilessly tackled

Jake: Evidently i failed to make my appearance in time

John: (still being pinned over here guys…)

Jane: Sigh.

Jane: Dirk, are you going to explain this “important information” part to us, or are you going to keep crushing him?

Dirk looks down at you, then looks back at the pair. He stands up and offers you a hand you somewhat hesitantly accept. You are NOT up for getting tackled by him again.

Dirk: I’ll need to get you all to Rose first, she’ll explain everything when we-

John: wait wait wait.

John: is this her whole thing about that seer blackout stuff?

Jane: Blackout?

John: oh, rose told me last night about how she can’t see the future after a certain point for some reason.

John: she went on with this whole thing about there being another possible threat besides lord english, although i’m guessing she’s just overthinking things.

Dirk: I think otherwise, and so does Rose.

Dirk: She asked me to make sure you didn’t make the future more unpredictable by retconning everywhere.

Jake: Then may I give a small query as to how he got out of your hands in the first place?

Jake: He must’ve gotten far from your supervision if you were making such a mad dash

Dirk: Let’s just say I forgot the no retcons part.

Dirk: Sorry about ramming into you, speaking of dashing.

Jake: Its quite fine, im not too battered or bruised!

Dirk: Good to hear.

Dirk: Rose has more on the subject than I bet John does, so my suggestion is that we head on over to her so she can give you all the rundown.

Dirk: Well, it wasn’t a suggestion really, you were going to make me say it anyway, but I thought calling it a suggestion sounded better.

John: one question though; can i zap us over to rose? i want to make sure you don’t bodyslam me again.

Dirk: I’d rather stick to Rose’s “John’s Reality Bending Bullshit Is Banned” rule for now, if that’s reasonable. I’d rather the woman behind the plan get her two cents in before we go balls to the wall with popping in and out of existence.

Jane: Dirk, if you are coming up with some absolutely inane and overly complicated plot to solve what is a completely non life threatening or significant problem AGAIN, you are banned from overthinking things forever and will face my stern disapproval!

Dirk: Noted, Ms. Crocker.

—————————————————————

You-

Are still JOHN EGBERT.

Ah ah ah, you don’t get to leave until we’re done!

[Okay, I’ve tolerated your stupid shit up ‘til now. I let you jump in and add that command at the end of the last full chapter (which is actually a good idea, admittedly), I let you use the notes, I even let you add a full on mintermission for god’s sake! But really??? We have to stick with John the whole stinking chapter?]

You did so with the first chapter, I see no problems with one more!

[Okay, I was easing everybody into the story, I’m not gonna suddenly start out with a bunch of jumping perspectives. Although I don’t think it was necessary? Point is, I’m trying to add some actual variation with chapter viewpoints here. John isn’t the only main character you know.]

It’s amusing that you treat this like we don’t ACTUALLY EXIST, my friend.

[You wanna tell me how I should treat things when you don’t smack me or my computer to simply get a change to a character’s presented color?]

Nio, I smacked your self insert, I’m not actually hurting YOU. And you seem to be missing my point behind this, my bud in comradery! We have a command, and it makes sense to follow the course of that command to it’s full completion in ONE chapter!

[Dear god, this one chapter’s going to be the length of two by the time I’m done. Fine, we can go ahead. Just tell me what you want to boss me into doing BEFORE it gets into the chapter next time?]

Can do!

(Signing off, A Ghost From The Past)

{Signing off(?), The Lost Author}

Anyway, you are still JOHN EGBERT.

And you are now in this weird maroon wizardy tent decorated with yellow stars, sitting at a small, circular wooden table with a silk purple tablecloth on it. Rose is sitting on the other side from you, the entrance to your back.

Rose put on this whole oracle-y getup, black silk shirt with the sleeves stoping at the elbow with this torn look, with a sort of layered effect of other silk sleeves going down to her hands in a gradient from black to purple. the part where her shirt stops at approximately her belly button starts doing the same thing as her sleeves into this long dress, the same gradient to purple being apparent. She also has this big floppy grey wizard hat, with a metal necklace with an emblem of some sort of flower? (it looks like a sort of lotus, although you don’t know flowers).

Point is, she went all out with this mystically stuff.

Dirk’s outside with Calliope (who was doing some planning stuff with Rose, for what you don’t know), Jane and Jake joining you for Rose’s infodump.

She basically just tells them all the junk she told you last night and how she isn’t fully on board with allowing you to just retcon whenever, so you aren’t gonna repeat all that again for the sake of time.

Afterwards, you tell everyone about Vriska’s whole plan and whatnot, along with informing Rose of the whole retconning stuff.

Rose: Hm.

Jane: I still have my suspicions about her plans, but I’m willing to help John in his endeavors regardless!

Jake: Well i must say im not too fond of allowing vriska freedom to concoct unregulated dastardly plans involving random versions of us.

Jake: She was…

Jake: Not making a good impression on me, lets say

John: so, what do you think we should do about vriska’s whole thing?

Rose: Well, Vriska has built plans that had been effective for us, but her tendencies and nature have proven she is too much of a wild card.

Rose: She, for example, either assists in strategizing in unorthodox yet effective ways that can lead to a strange victory and kickstart the eventual process of breaking addictions that could prove detrimental for missions, or…

Rose: Well, from what I learned from her own mouth, kill our allies, cause discord among them or destroy their morale.

Rose: In other words, she’s a crafty and mainly untrustworthy bitch.

Rose: However, if executed correctly and supervised, I believe we can allow this plan to go into effect. And you may use your retcon powers to get there, John. My vision had already adjusted to your changes, and I suppose another jump or two couldn’t hurt.

John: is there anyone you want to jump with us? you wanted supervision for vriska’s plan and all that.

Rose: You and Jane will suffice for overseeing her, don’t worry.

Jane: What about Jake? He’s not in this conversation for no reason.

Rose: I wish for Jake to take up John’s role with Dirk in alchemizing powerful weaponry and the like to prepare for the possible threat. You had done alchemy in your session, so it shouldn’t be too difficult on your end.

Jake: Well you can count on me my mystical fortune teller of fate, it shouldn’t be too much of a burden to carry!

Rose: Glad to-

Calliope: pardon me, bUt dirk wished for john to have something before he went! jane as well. they are weapons created in Unorthodox manners, not intended by the Universe to ever exist, yet through sheer perseverance, the fantastical armaments have come to be!

John: ...you mean you managed to cheat the alchemy system?

Dirk: She means she managed to absolutely fucking annihilate the rules of the alchemy system. Basically, she helped in modding the game.

Calliope: after conversing with arqUiUs, i had learned he had a connection to the programming of the game, and coUld possibly add enhancements to the contraptions of said game throUgh these enhancements.

ARquiusprite: Than% to my sweet as all h*ck knowledge, I was able to

ARquiusprite: ”improve”

ARquiusprite: the variations in what alchemy is able to produce.

ARquiusprite: Now you two imb*ciles have the ability to craft whatever the fr*ck you want by assigning your own unique codes to the items before slapping them together into their own brand new item.

ARquiusprite: However, you must understand that this will require the machines to load a new item into existence, along with loading what grist types will be necessary for said item.

ARquiusprite: So enjoy you silly hoof l*ckers.

You recieved…

the gh0stly dreidel ‘radihoo!

You were going to explain how it works, but you actually don’t have a single clue what all the dice outcomes are. You actually didn’t know a lot of the outcomes with the Vrillyhoo either, you never actually got the chance to use it all that much. Oh well, you got a supposedly better weapon now, so you probably won’t be using Vrillyhoo much anymore at all since this one is completely better.

Meanwhile, Jane got…

TR1FL3GL4R3’S PYR4LSW33T JUST1C3

Which looks dumb as shit when you think about it, so much dumber than any of the other zilly weapons.

You actually have no clue why it doesn’t have some sort of version of a zilly name included in it’s title, but it’s a bullshit alchemy creation that wasn’t meant to exist, SBURB probably just lost any creativity points it had. Which is quite a fuckton of points, when you think about it.

It really just looks like someone just shoved a silly block with the libra symbol on one end of terezi’s cane with a huge spoon, and on the other end they just made the dragon head spit shitty blue fire.

You see this having no usefulness later and that ARquius was fucking with Jane. It’s fucking terrible to you, and that is an opinion that is yours.

You should probably stop rambling about a shitty spoon fork. You can’t even call it a spork, the fork and spoon are on different ends. What do you even call that???

Dirk: And now that you both have the bullshit weapons of absolute horse eating horseshit, you should be able to handle any complications that are probably bound to happen by sheer inevitability on the universe itself’s part during this mission.

Dirk: Because let’s be honest, since when have things just not randomly happened last second.

Jane: I assume we have to put o more battle worthy outfits again?

Jane: I have to confess that I’m not overly fond of the god outfits in particular, I won’t lie to you all.

Jake: I suppose its preferable to dirtying up your current outfits, they’re quite tasteful in my opinion!

John: oh come on, i just changed! can’t we just alchemize some new clothes or something? maybe even actual armor! armor would actually be more protective than stupid ass pajamas.

Rose: You mean clothes that were essentially discarded designs for Link’s heroic garbs? Because might I say, they seem reminiscent of the simplistic style of them. Although I am most definitely not a fashionista in any sense in the slightest.

Rose: That award goes to our fashion goddess Kanaya Maryam. Whereas I suck ass with fashion, but don’t actually tell her that. You would not understand the trials and tribulations of attempting to make a professional outfit designer think you have a good sense of clothing when you are mediocre at best.

Rose: For three years, might I specify.

Dirk: If you want examples of shitty god tiers…

Jake: Let me say that I would greatly prefer not wearing that awfully revealing ensemble ever again.

Jake: Not because of the revealing factor, moreso the fact that yellow is an awfully GARISH color on me.

Rose: Jake, you won’t be apart of this mission, so you ought not to worry. Just assist Dirk in his task, and you can alchemize yourself something better to wear god tier wise than Robin’s speedo having gone through the washer and shrank too many times.

Calliope: if i may add, i think all of yoU pUll off yoUr god tiered oUtfits rather nicely!

Calliope: even if some of them are less sophisticated and completely unsensible choice of costume to be clad in.

Rose: Oh, agreed.

Rose: But, is there any more questions or concerns about what we have planned? I’d rather not keep the strategizing from dragging on into one of the fabled lightning rounds of banter, in which the lightning is put on slow mo.

Jane: …

John: …

Jake: …

You three look at each other, wondering if you should make your comments on a certain thing that you all picked up on earlier at the beginning of the timeskip that you refuse to mention for comedic effect and because fuck you.

Fuck you is the reason, and that is the why in this situation.

Rose: …

Calliope: …i’m beginning to recognize the hesitancy behind why we have fallen silent...

Dirk: Jesus christ, are we not going to get to the wizardly elephant in the room, in which said wizardly elephant turns the room into an enchanted ass tower?

Rose: The name of the elephant would be “Sir Cornicopius Heirophelephant”, teller of good fortunes hailing from the caverns deep below the asscrack known as Texas. He stomps open the heads of eagles to read the prophecies spilled by their enwizened and currently crushed brain matter.

John: ...okay, one, that is a super disgusting image in my head now. two, i knew you liked wizards, but not THIS much.

John: it’s like a wizard’s beard exploded in here, and his spells proceeded to go haywire and slap all his magicky memoribilia all over the place.

John: it’s like some sort of fantasy roleplay shop, is what i’m getting at!

Jane: I’m just surprised by how much the love of wizards seems to run in the family.

Jane: and i mean RUNS like the chickens that lost both their heads and their dickens.

Jake: I just wondered where you managed to amass such a collection of frankly high quality knicknaks, doodads, props and the like!

Jake: And might I say that outfit befits a true sorceress! I can easily imagine you enchanting beasts and blasting down tyrannical kings with great power!

Rose: Thank you, Kanaya had made it on the trip.

Rose: But enough about me playing around to my wizardly delight, is there anything else needing to be addressed?

Calliope: as far as i know, we have no other eqUipment to beqUeath to oUr two adventUrers, nor do we have any other significant matters left Unsaid!

Dirk: All good here, and ARquius fucked off to make more shit, so I’m doubting he has anything else to say on the matter.

John: i think we’re all good, if nobody wants to say anything else!

Everyone just sits there for a second in silence. You should probably just zap away now, because this silence does not need to be super awkward anytime soon.

You summon your heir’s attire, the blues swapping out with your previous outfit faster than the blink of an eye. Jane quickly follows suit with her own god tier, before she gently places a hand on your shoulder again.

John: wish us luck guys!

And you disappear in a soft blue glow, akin to a firefly.  
  
In which you both forgot that you were sitting on chairs that have now joined you in a red desert with a black hole nearby. You did not think that through, like. At all.

John: ...woops.

Jane: Oh well, it shouldn’t be too much of a hassle to bring back.

As the both of you were standing up, Jane immediately captchalogues both chairs for later. Hey, maybe you’ll need them for some impromptu storytelling to listen to by a nice cold black hole on a midsummer’s eve or to stand up from to give a grand applause, who knows?

Truth be told, those chairs are just useless now, and that previous sentence was stupid, moving on.

You realize that Vriska has moved from where she was initially, and it’s going to be a lot harder to track her down than you thought. Well, at least she can’t blame you for being late if she went prancing through a field of dead people instead of actually waiting.

You both agree to just split up a bit and ask around, although the random dead humans and trolls walking around don’t really give much in terms of actually clear directions. One that looks a bit like Karkat in a red sweater to you asks about this Mituna person, saying that they “have an important meeting with them”, or something. You tell him you didn’t see them, but before you can ask him anything they just walk off. He was rambling a lot on stuff that doesn’t actually sound like it means much.

Although that might just be because you didn’t understand a word he said from that rant. He could have had something important to say, but he could stand to make it a bit shorter. And by that you mean don’t shove a whole novel into one conversation. You weren’t planning to read the whole U.S. Constitution today, jeez.

You go up to ask a Vriska and Terezi in particular, although their eyes widen at the sight of you.

(Terezi): HOLD ON

(Terezi): JOHN?

(Vriska): Wait a minute, is he…?

John: uh… do i know you two specifically?

(Terezi): JOHN, 1 G4V3 YOU 4 CH3CKL1ST OF T1M3L1N3 FUCK3RY TO C4RRY OUT, YOU COULDN’T H4V3 FORGOTT3N M3 TH4T F4ST

John: OH, right! does that mean…

(Vriska): Yeah, I’m the one who helped you get the retcon powers, John. Don’t think too hard a8out the possibilities, it’s not too complicated.

John: yeah, i guessed. i just didn’t expect to see either of you again, since the whole black hole destroying the dream bubbles thing was a huge thing, along with lord english, i didn’t know if you were able to make it out. not to mention how wonky entering the dream bubbles was the last time i tried. i was just-

Vriska cuts you off in a way you weren’t really expecting. She gives you a gentle hug.

(Vriska): You know, I never actually got to apologize properly for 8eing, well. You know.

(Vriska): A huge asshole with a 8igger self deprecation and ego pro8lem.

(Vriska): I also fucked over your session, along with doing a lot of heinous shit. 8ut I wanted to let you know I’m sorry, for whatever the fuck that’s gonna 8e worth.

(Vriska): If you don’t want to accept the apology and everything, that’s o8viously reasona8le and I honestly wouldn’t even 8e surprised. I just wanted to get that out there.

You REALLY didn’t expect that, wow.

John: ...huh.

(Vriska): What?

(Terezi): H3 PROB4BLY W4SN’T S331NG TH4T ON3 COM1NG

(Terezi): 1T’S NOT L1K3 YOU 3XP3CT TH3 *M1GHTY* VR1SK4 S3RK3T TO B3COM3 4 N1C3 CONS1D3R4T3 N3RD

(Terezi): H3’S HOODW1NK3D BY HOW MUCH OF A CUT3 DORK YOU’V3 B3COM3

(Vriska): Shut up, you dork. ::::)

You are feeling such whiplash from where you were expecting this conversation to go.

John: ...what is going on????

(Terezi): LONG STORY SHORT, W3’R3 G4Y JOHN

John: well no shit! i’m just surprised, from Vriska giving an actual apology, to you actually…

John: Well, you know.

John: The whole homo dating thing that is happening now that came out of nowhere.

(Vriska): I mean, it’s not from NOWHERE-

(Terezi): OH HUSH

(Terezi): TH1NGS JUST CH4NG3 1N W4YS YOU N3V3R 3XP3CT TH3M TO, JOHN, WH3TH3R 1T M4K3S S3NS3 TO YOU OR NOT

(Terezi): TH1S 1S JUST ON3 OF THOS3 TH1NGS, W3 H4V3 OUR R34SONS, VR1SK4’S CHANG3D, 1’V3 CH4NG3D, P3OPL3 GROW, YOU G3T WH4T 1 M34N

John: okay, yeah, that’s a fair point.

John: it just felt a bit out of nowhere is all. i do forgive vriska by the way, i think at least.

John: i think a lot of that is really just in the past, and it doesn’t seem all that reflective on who you are now anyway.

John: so i think we’re all good, in my book at least.

(Vriska): ...Thank you.

(Vriska): 8ut let’s not focus on all that anyway, why are you even here? In the flesh, I mean.

(Vriska): You don’t seem have much of a reason to stick around in a place that’s falling apart at the seams, you have the new universe. Were you feeling THAT sentimental?

John: well, i didn’t mean to pop up here initially, i just screwed up what i was trying to do with my retcon powers and everything, but that’s not really relevant.

John: apparently vriska (the alpha timeline one i mean) is trying to do stuff with reviving some ghosts to fight lord english, so that we don’t have to.

John: everyone back in the new universe thought it was a better idea to keep an eye on her than to let her just go throwing random ghosts on a suicide mission.

John: so me and jane just came back to keep an eye on things. we were just looking around for her, actually.

(Vriska): …

(Terezi): …

John: you know, she might be obsessed with you vriska, she was asking about if you had hair braids and everything, and when i started talking about you for a bit, she went full tsundere or whatever that word was.

John: She just blew off the whole thing and went back to ranting about that plan. Not sure why she needed to ask in the first place if she was gonna just ignore it.

(Terezi): JOHN

John: uh, yeah?

(Terezi): COULD 1 JO1N YOU TO H4V3 4 T4LK W1TH HER?

(Terezi): L3T’S JUST S4Y SOM3… JUST1C3, N33DS TO B3 S3RV3D P1P1NG HOT FROM TH3 DR4GON’S MOUTH

John: oh, sure! i don’t know if she’s actually going to listen, but-

(Vriska): ...I’m coming too.

(Terezi): 4R3 YOU SUR3? YOU DON’T LOOK L1K3 YOU’R3 UP TO D34L1NG W1TH YOUR OLD DUMB4SS 3GO S3LF R1GHT NOW, 3SP3C14LLY FROM WH4T H4PP3N3D W1TH H3R 4ND YOU

(Vriska): Trust me, it’s necessary that I give her 8 piece of my fucking mind.

(Vriska): She needs to hear it.

John: is this some personal stuff that i shouldn’t ask about? it feels like i’m intruding on a marriage counseling session in which you both agreed to commit third degree murder on the same person fifty times in a row.

(Terezi): NO, 1T’S F1N3 JOHN, JUST K33P B31NG 4 DUMB4SS N3RD FOR 4 B1T

(Terezi): W3’R3 TOT4LLY COMPOS1NG 4 HOMOC1D4L M4RR1G3 4GR33M3NT

John: ugh, even when you’re more mature you’re still insufferable.

John: look, let’s split up and ask around, jane’s already asking people about where the heck vriska went, so having us split up and ask around could-

You stop when you hear some very loud bickering getting closer to you three. And the ghosts are slowly dispersing for whoever’s walking towards you.

Aranea: I understand your grievances with my superior planning and all your complaints, my descendant, but you misunderstand the point of why we won’t have to worry about keeping them around. In order to keep the alpha timeline on the right track and making sure that the completion of the session isn’t for naught, it is imperative that the heroes face their grisly fate-

Vriska: Oh, that is SUCH 8ullshit, you literally went ahead and tried to make a doomed session the alpha timeline, not only are you contradicting yourself on what you literally said based on Meenah, you’re STILL trying to get the people who actually fucking matter killed! You are such an attention whore, GOD-

Jane, with the bickering Serkets, leaves them not too far away from you and continues her approach. She has such an exasperated face, and you can definitely see why.

Jane: Oh dear goodness fucking gracious, my patience with those two is wearing thin.

Jane: If I had to endure any more of their atrociously draining argument, I’d had ripped out every single one of my hairs, shoved them in an oven, BEAT THEM OVER THE HEAD WITH A MIXING BOWL, THEN THROW THEM INTO THE BLACK HOLE.

Jane: I’m sorry about that but I needed to either say that or rip out one of their throats.

Jane: I preferred to do option one, but I think option two with baking their lungs into a sugary meatcake to burn to a crisp would have felt nicer.

John: jeez, i can see what you mean. how long do you think they’ll keep bickering?

Terezi nonchalantly walks towards the cobalts as they still run their mouths. What the hell are they getting so heated up over? You can barely catch what one says before the other starts trying to retaliate with some more random bullshit.

(Vriska): I don’t know, but immediately regret the decision of staying anywhere near here now.

Jane: I regret ever coming-

A loud bonking noise is heard as Terezi grabs the two’s heads and smashes them together, and they proceed to stumble while clutching their heads.

Aranea and Vriska: 8WWWWWWWW????????!!!!!!!!

(Terezi): 4R3 YOU TWO DON3 TRY1NG TO COMP3T3 FOR 4LT3RN1A’S GOT WH1NY B1TCH3S, OR DO 1 N33D TO ST34L YOUR BULG3S TO F33D TO TH3 B1G4SS MONST3R OF 4 BL4CK HOL3 OV3R TH3R3?

The duo look at each other, and grumble.

Aranea: I think we’re done.

Vriska: Whatever.

(Terezi): TH4NK FUCK.

(Terezi): NOW G3T YOUR 4SS3S 1N G34R SO W3 C4N T4LK SOMWH3R3 TH4T’S *NOT* GONN4 D1STURB 3V3RYON3 1N 4 F1FTY M1L3 R4D1US.

John: huh.

John: that was easier to solve than i thought.

(Terezi): JOHN 1M ST34L1NG YOUR D1CK TOO 1F YOU DONT ST4RT W4LK1NG

John: okay, okay!

You all proceed to briskly walk on over to a conveniently big stone a little while away, near a point where the red desert gives way to a memory of an underwater castle of sorts. You’re guessing that’s one of the seadweller troll people’s homes, since they’re apparently royalty and everything.

You’re just wondering how it has a watery effect and why it’s slapped directly next to a desert of all things.

John: alright, so.

John: i brought jane, we’re all ready to do stuff, there’s just one thing i thought i would ask.

John: why the hell did we not just use a random ghost with revivey powers? from what i heard from the few times i’ve been around in the dream bubbles, your powers don’t exactly go away or stop being powerful and stuff.

Jane: ...That is a good point, now that you mention it.

Aranea: Dear John, let me explain to you something.

Vriska and (Vriska): Oh, here we go…

Aranea: The Horrorterrors, when they first brought the bubbles into existence, they allowed for a nigh on infinite amount of abilities to remain as effective as they are, so that we may use them unimpeded in whatever amount of shenanigans or day to day activities we may put them to use for.

Aranea: But they have to have some sense of rules when it comes to a dreamscape of the roaming dead, the amalgamation of different realities and memories that present a variety of different sorts of environments that one could ever dream of, like a simple suburban human neighborhood grafted to, to make it simple, an alternian city of skyscrapers and apartments, or a snowy land of frogs combined with a hellscape of floating brains.

Aranea: One of those very important rules is that the dead cannot revive a fellow ghost, but they may revive a deceased corpse instead, as I have heard. If we could do so, we would have about as many living trolls and humans as we do dead ones. I assure you, this was a possibility already thought of and addressed.

(Vriska): Okay, now my question; why are we even entertaining any notions from the person who went off on some sa8otage mission that involved murdering everyone in the alpha timeline, which obviously failed and only complicated things further?

(Vriska): I honestly don’t even care too much at this point, I’m done with plans and plots and ploys and what have you, but who thought THAT was a genius move?

(Terezi): T3CHN1C4LLY YOU, BUT OBV1OUSLY NOT YOU

Vriska: Okay, no, I was trying to get Aranea off my ass and not let her sa8otage THIS mission to get some random volunteers to kick the green skull bastard’s ass instead of my cobalt ass, DUH.

Vriska: Why the hell else would I 8e arguing so adamantly against EV8RY SINGLE WORD SHE SAID?

(Vriska): 8ecause you’re completely whiny and rebellious?

(Terezi): B3C4US3 YOUR3 COMPL3T3LY WH1NY 4ND R3B3LL1OUS?

John: (we’re not gonna be doing much planning right now, are we?)

Jane: (At this rate?)

Jane: (Not in the slightest.)

Aranea: Alright, that’s enough.

Aranea: We will be doing my plan, and that will be to make sure the alpha players get into their required positions so that they may either die or be trapped forever by the result of fighting the Lord, and that is final.

John: hold on, what?

Aranea: Left out that part, did she? How when she ran off to get out of the radius of the collapsing green star, she left the four humans who were there to fight English to die?

Aranea: She’s sending some other poor souls to their deaths selfishly so that she can rebel against fate foolishly, similarly to my same mistake. It is clear to me that I had not planned that thoroughly, and she intends to bring at least some versions of us to a disastrous doomed timeline.

John: wait, why did-

Aranea: John, Jane, neither of you are that petty. You understand what must be-

Vriska: Alright, I know you like dumping that bag of shit you call your ideas everywhere, but shut up for one goddamn minute.

Vriska: 8NE, do not assume what my fucking intent behind anything is, especially when you are so far off the god fucking damn mark.

Vriska: I know you don’t have any fri8nds that you care about at this point, but I don’t actually plan to let J8hn or any of his friends just waltz straight into the f8cking firing line to get obliter8ed, I already watched one John’s head get erased from existence once, I’m not actually all that interested in letting my John be the one that actually experiences it, thanks 8sshole!

Vriska: And two, who gives a shit if me d8ing som8thing good without strings attached for once isn’t going to lead to a great end, AT LEAST I TRI8D TO DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE YOU DUM8 8ITCH.

Vriska: I don’t normally admit this sort of wimpy sounding 8ullshit, 8ut may8e I have at least some good in my heart to do something for the people I care a8out.

Vriska: UNLIKE.

Vriska: YOU.

Vriska: So choke on a goddamn fucking 8ulge, fatass, and start being something more than a sad sack of exposition dumping lard.

Aranea: …

(Vriska): …

(Terezi): …

Jane: …

John: …

Vriska: …

Jane: …Well then.

Jane: I can certainly reckon that’s the end of that discussion.

Jane: I suppose, to have some more finality to this argument to finally move on, we can put it to a vote.

Jane: Can you raise your hand if you prefer volunteers who are willing to go through with…

Jane: That, instead of sending anyone from the alpha timeline to fight?

Everyone except Aranea chooses to raise their hand.

Jane: I think it’s settled then, thank god-

Jane is cut off by a cobalt saber being pressed to her throat. A startled gasp escapes from her as the blade presses against her skin, a trickle of blood flowing from what is likely nothing more than scratch, for the moment. Aranea’s face has gone desperate. Something like a composed yet feral look, if that’s somehow possible.

You guess the hammer’s gonna have to come out after all.

Aranea: I think you misunderstood the choice presented in this situation.

Aranea: It was a query on whether you wanted to choose my path the painless way…

Aranea: or the rigorous way of conflict.

She has Jane’s arm in a tight grip with the same determination evident in the sharp edge almost cutting deeply against her captive’s neck.

But then…

Everything freezes.

My name is now ARADIA MEGIDO.

Which is actually quite the silly sounding sentence, when I think about it! I already knew that, and I never stopped being me. I didn’t even change my name at any point, so I’m not quite sure why I felt like I had to say that.

Frozen time is an interesting thing to walk through, much more interesting in the dream bubbles. The cracks in reality still seem to shift and change, along with the bubbles themselves. It’s only the people who stop doing anything.

I initially thought I could only freeze a certain object or person in place, but it turns out I can actually create…

Here, let me explain. I think you’ll be able to understand my explanations more than anyone else, considering you all have a much bigger grasp on the full picture than others.

I’ve initially created a sort of space to keep a being frozen in for as long as I wish, exceptions occurring with other players of time who have reached a higher plane. I managed to figure out more recently that I can expand this space to stretch to a fairly sizable area.

Think…

Like the space of two large human cargo containers side by side, with one extra container stacked on top of each initial container, for a reference. I’d need to measure out the complete size someday for fun!

I don’t think you even needed the full picture to understand that comparison, but I thought it would be nice to acknowledge you all with your much different viewpoint.

I never found a situation to really use it in, considering that I only needed to freeze one being in most situations. Not to mention that it doesn’t last as long as you’d think.

But, in this event in particular, I didn’t think that anyone should make too hasty of moves to get that saber away from Aranea, they could end up hurting my fellow Maid in their rush to rip away the blue sword from the Sylph assailant.

So here we are! I only have twenty seconds to resolve this, and I should focus.

I’ll just leave Sollux and the others over here, they’ll be fine! I fly toward the nearby rock where the hostage situation is currently… I would say unfolding, but it’s not exactly doing anything at the present moment. Just existing, I suppose!

I land in front of Jane. It doesn’t seem that the Serket themed pirate saber has done anything substantially lethal or painful to her, just a nick on her throat. It should heal quickly enough.

Gently removing the saber from both her neck and Aranea’s hand, I simply stab it into the nearby rock face. It’s a bit like… what did the humans call it? Caledfwlch? Excalibur? I think it was the first one.

And now, I begin removing Jane from Aranea’s gr-

Apparently anything I touch is removed from the effects of the timestop, as Jane blinks just before she immediately stumbles forward, thankfully unharmed.

Jane: What in the-

Aradia: oh, hello!

Jane: ...Can I ask what is happening? Is this-

Aradia: i would love to let you ask more, but we have a time limit with this

Aradia: do you mind if you just quickly stood over here, a little farther from her?

Jane: I-

Jane: I think I don’t mind at all, actually.

Time begins to

flow once again, and.

Oh.

It seems my time narrating is getting a bit short.

I hope to see you all again!

Until then, time

returns to it’s proper progression.

Your name is JOHN EGBERT, and you haven’t stopped ever being John. Not that you know of anyway.

Although you don’t actually know a lot right now, since that Aradia troll just suddenly appeared by your side with Jane, leaving Aranea without anyone to threaten.

And without her sword, apparently.

Aranea: What the hell...?

Aradia: and hello to you too, john!

John: oh, hi?

Vriska: Aradia, how the fucking-

Aradia: don’t worry about it too much, focus on aranea!

Equipping your hammer, you get into your battle stance. It shouldn’t be a tough fight, it’s one person against many! Although, considering everyone’s confused as all hell, you might have a tougher time. But still, one god tier isn’t too much!

You hope.

STRIFER COMPENDIUM;

ARANEA SERKET, VS; JOHN EGBERT , JANE CROCKER, VRISKA SERKET, (VRISKA SERKET), (TEREZI PYROPE), ARADIA MEGIDO,

POTENTIAL STRIFER COMPENDIUM;

MEENAH PEIXES, SOLLUX CAPTOR, RANDOM ASSORTMENT OF 8 DEAD HUMANS [ERROR: MISSING INFORMATION], [UNKNOWN FACTOR; ERROR]

MAJORITY OF COMBATANTS PARTICIPATING IN STRIFE HAVE ACHIEVED GODHOOD, MINUS [(TEREZI PYROPE)] AND [SOLLUX CAPTOR]

POSSIBLE BATTLEGROUNDS; DREAM BUBBLE BLACK HOLE, AND/OR FEFERI PEIXES' UNDERWATER FORTRESS

ERROR TYPE; MISSING FACTORS

THIS MAY PROVIDE AN UNFAIR AND/OR LETHAL ADVANTAGE FOR EITHER SIDE OF COMBATANTS.

PROCEED? Y/N

[===> Y]

STRIFE ENGAGED. COMBATANTS NOW IN ACTION.

===> JOHN EGBERT, ACTION; OBSERVE SURROUNDINGS, ALLIES AND OPPOSITION

wait, why do i need to do that? you already told us all of that- ugh, whatever.

Aranea: I think you all misunderstand the circumstances of this confrontation and how it will play out. I have more aces up these god tiered sleeves than you will ever be able to grasp. My plans, while contradicting previous statements, will go through to their completion.

Aranea: There are many forces at play, far beyond what you can ever predict, like a casino filled to the brim with rigged games benefitting a higher power that you never will get the luxury of seeing. The puppetmaster has his strings prepared, and the show will follow it’s planned acts to the T.

Aranea: Do you even understand what I’m doing for you all? The ramifications of defying the organized strategy of whom I choose to pledge my allegiance to? I offered a chance to follow my lead, and you clearly were not in the right mental position to face it. I shall now offer you to lay down your arms once aga-

John: okay, hold up, no, shut up.

You have to put away your hammer for this rant, she is about to get it.

Jane: John, what are you doing.

John: okay, so much of this is so fucking dumb, i’m not letting that train of certified dumbass ramblings keep going!

John: we literally had a fair vote, we said fuck you to your plans, what the hell are you talking about “we were not in the right mental position to face it”?

John: you literally threw a murderous hissy fit by threatening to kill jane because we didn’t do what you wanted to in a calm environment because your manipulation skills suck, how were we NOT in a more receptive position for your ideas than now????

(Terezi): UH

(Terezi): JOHN?

John: seriously, how is getting us riled up and ready to kick your ass make us MORE LIKELY TO LISTEN TO YOU???

John: i don’t know how stupid you think we are, but we’re not that dumb!

(Terezi): JOHN

(Vriska): John, I think she got the point, let’s not waste time and just kick her ass already-

John: and another thing, what the hell were you rambling about with alliances and aces up your sleeve? you’re literally alone in a battle against so many people, many of us are just as powerful as you, what the hell do you even have? you had a random sword, awesome, but if you actually had something substantial to attack us with, you’d have revealed it by now and killed some of us already!

John: speaking if killing, how’re you supposed to stop us? half of the people fighting you are already dead, and i don’t think you can even knock out a ghost, not to mention you have to specifically knock me and jane out since we have to be apart of your plan to kill lord english or something!

Meenah: (wow he really aint pulling no crab pinches, he even got serk to shut up)

Sollux: (why are we even just standing here)

Sollux: (can’t we just, i dunn0)

Sollux: (sh0ve her n00k d0wn her thr0at and m0ve 0n already)

Vriska: *struggling spider noises*

John: not to mention everybody else over there, who’s also ghosts-

John: you literally are just outnumbered on so many levels, i don’t even get why you’re all “let me offer you mercy” and whatnot, this is just way too fucking stupid. sure, you can mind control, but you literally needed help from vriska to mind control so many trolls! and you’re STILL going to be outnumbered regardless!

(Dave): yo not trying to interrupt whatever the hell this is

(Dave): but you good bro

(Dave): you just fucking launched into that shit and i think your veins are about to pop open like this bottle of aj that i can apparently summon somehow

(Dave): like seriously can i even drink this it just popped up out of nowhere is it made from poisonous horrorterror juice because if so i am not drinking that

John: yeah, i just needed to get that out of my system a bit. i’m just a bit tired of egotistical assholes who just fuck with us for no reason.

Aranea: ...Well.

Aranea: That gives me my answer.

Sollux mindlessly shoves past you, stopping in his tracks only in front of Aranea. She places a hand on his face, a soft glow reminiscent of a sun’s emanating from the contact. He turns, the once black and dead right eye now filled with a bright red.

Aranea: There you are, that should restore you to full effectiveness.

And now Meenah stomps past you, jeez. The phrase excuse me exists!

Meenah: okay now that i can actually say shit

Meenah: are you glubbing shrimping me serket

Meenah: first you go off to do bullshit timeline wreckin or somefin to stop english from getting from guppy tier to a whale of a monstrous bastard behind my back

Meenah: now we got you killing random chumps for some shellfish alliance carp

Meenah: you bein serious right now

Aranea: Meenah, it was a plan that I begrudgingly agreed to so we won’t rot in the ever collapsing void of Paradox Space, if we can’t stop English, we can at least attain one last laugh. This was going to include you attaining FREEDOM from this wreck of an afterlife.

Aranea: And I’m not the only one being shellfish, should i ask your former datematesprit and former partner for proof?

Meenah: nuh uh you did NOT just try to soften that insult with a fish pun

Meenah: one that i just used no less

Meenah: gill that is too cold even for you

Aranea: Meenah, hear me ou-

Aranea’s cut off by Meenah jabbing her double trident thingy or whatever the hell it’s called into her head. Which does nothing at all, despite how many times she’s repeatedly stabbed her.

Aranea: Meenah.

Meenah: stabby stabby stabby stabby stab jab jab

Aranea: Meenah.

Meenah: jabby jabby jabby jab stab

Aranea: Meenah, you know this isn’t going to kill me.

Meenah: jab jab i know it’s shoreposed to annoy you stabby stab

Aranea: Says the one who has told me on many occasions that you think that narrating your attacks makes them more effective.

Meenah: jabby jabby it’s making it more effectively annoying stab stabby

Aranea: Adding nothing to nothing doesn’t get you something, Meenah.

Meenah: don’t you try to outmath me right now fussyfangs stabby

Aranea: …For the love of Her Indubitable Compassion.

Meenah: one jokes on u she didnt even love me

Meenah: two thats not even her title jabby jabster jab

Aranea: Did.

Aranea: Meenah, did you forget your ancestor’s title.

Meenah: jabby jabby go to shell basstard stabby stabby

Aranea: Sigh.

Aranea proceeds to simply and gently tap Meenah on the forehead. The fuschia blood recoils violently, shaking harshly before going limp and collapsing. Aranea looks down at her with a solemn expression, shaking her head.

Aranea: Honestly, I wish I didn’t need to use that trick so early, but you didn’t leave me with much choice. You’ll be fine once the information is done processing. Now…

She looks back up.

Aranea: Time to handle you all.

Sollux’s eyes begin crackling with psionic power, a red and blue glow coming from each eye, burning brighter and brighter like the center of an open flame.

And is immediately cut off by a bolt of white lightning to the gut, sending him flying back onto the warm sand and narrowly smacking his head on a rock.

(Rose): I felt we were standing around long enough.

Gunshots ring out as the dead Jake and Jade fire at Aranea, although they enter her and pop out harmlessly. Which left the perfect opportunity for Dave to smack Aranea against a wall with the flat of his big ass blade.

You should actually contribute a bit, instead of just commenting on this stuff. So you proceed to do exactly that, summoning back your ‘Radihoo as Jane slides in and pins Aranea’s neck with the fork end of her Pyralsweet Justice.

When the head of your hammer crushes Aranea’s abdomen, it begins to glow and ominous blood red, vibrating as the dice spin-

Wait.

Why the fuck is it called the Ghostly Dreidel ‘Radihoo if the dice aren’t dreidels???? That literally defeats the purpose of the name-  
Actually, nevermind, moving on.

As each die slows to a stop, one side’s number begins to glow. A reddish hue begins to overtake the dice in the process, a whip’s crack, snapping bones and the cries of the dead sounding out from the weapon.

8 2 8 6 8 6 8 6

666 SLAUGHTER SLICE RETRIBUTION

At first, nothing happens. But you get the feeling something’s about to happen. That’s when a floating katana with a red sash ribbon thingy on the end slashes at Aranea, almost hitting Jane in the process.

You both make the smart decision and safety roll the fuck out of the way.

The blade begins tearing away at Aranea and the rock at her back, each chop and slash wearing further into the thick stone.

Eventually, the blade stops, before readying itself for one last decisive stab, slamming full force into Aranea as the rock formation gives way and crumbles down on her.

That was handled a lot faster than you thought it would. Sure, she’s probably not dead, but that had to have at least done SOMETHING. And you mean something beyond tearing through her sylph outfit, no outfit can withstand that amount of damage.

(Dave): holy shit

Jane: John, my weapon is fairly underpowered compared to yours, and I’m a mite bit jealous!

John: hey, i didn’t know i could summon a ghostly professional slice and dice sword of over the top destruction!

Although, as you soon realize, it wasn’t as effective as you thought, since Aranea bursts out from the rubble, a look of pure malice in her expression, and you get blasted in the side by red and blue beams. You end up flying into Aradia-

You end up flying through nothing, actually, as Aradia wasn’t even there in the first place apparently. You notice what looks like her wrestling with Sollux as you hit the sandy floor, your weapon flying out of your hands.

Okay, when the hell could she do that with timey powers?

You don’t really get time to wonder about this, as the ghost Jade starts helping you up with everyone else launching into battle.

(Jade): are you doing alright?? you took a pretty nasty hit in the side and i thought you were about to have your torso completely obliterated! HOW did you not get blown in half?

John: i honestly have no clue, but i THINK i’m okay.

(Jade): well get up then, nobody else is waiting for you to get your ass kicked more, no offense to you!

John: ow, none taken?

Your side is super burnt and sore as shit, owww. You’re glad you don’t have to wear this outfit often anymore, otherwise you’d be starting a weird fashion statement of having holes in your clothes.

Which sounds dumb now that you think about it, who would use that as a fashion statement anyway? You bet it would look super stupid if some guy took some red suit or something and just cut little holes in it.

You manage to get yourself up, Jade rushing into the fray and obviously not waiting up for you, as per universally agreed sibling agreement that siblings can only care about each other for five seconds before either leaving one or the other in the dust or being a bitch to each other.

Jade took the coward’s route.

You notice while looking for your ghosty hammer that there’s not a Dirk or another John in the ghosts that showed up. You have Jade, Rose and Dave doing a badass Space Light Time attack (that the author wishes he could animate, but don’t tell him i said that) for starters, with Jane, Jake and Roxy doing some weird perfectly generic cat + cake + weird pistol and booty attack, sure.

But those last two are completely nonexistent, nowhere near here as far as you could tell. If they were gathering all eight specific ghosts from what you know, shouldn’t they have returned with the full necessary group?

Your train of thought gets cut short by Aranea launching at you with a fist, which you expertly block.

With your glasses.

You manage to hit Aranea in the stomach again as you careen backwards from the blow, your hammer doing it’s creepy activation noises and stuff as it prepares another attack.

1 1 1 1 2 2 2 2

Hemostrological Shift (Extended Edition)

Nothing really happens from this honestly, at least nothing too noticeable at first.

Her little cancer necklace just changes to a weird variation of the scorpio sign, with what looks like a little trident at the end instead of an arrow. The little hints of cerulean around her eyes shifted to a more pinkish color, and what you can see of her mouth changes from the same bluish color to fuschia. And then her ears and neck get a bit weird. Little slits slowly open horizontally on her neck, and fins seem to be growing on her ears.

Well this did absolutely nothing for anybody.

Aranea: Augh...Can I ask w)-(at on Beforus even happened?

John: are you trying to start a casual conversation during a fight???

Aranea: Well then, go ahead and excuse my concern over whatever the random chances of the magical dice even are.

John: yeah, i might actually just do that!

You promptly smack her in the skull with the ‘Radihoo. Her head snaps back from the blow, right into Meenah's hands, where the sea dweller slams the former cobalt’s head face first into the ground, and throws her back towards the current battlegrounds. Meenah recovered quickly from whatever the hell happened, apparently.

1 2 8 7 1 3 5 4

GETTING UNIVERSALLY SHIFTY

YOUR CHOSEN POOR SOUL IS OUT OF RANGE, EFFECT TRANSFERRING TO SELF

Meenah: yo you gonna join in on more of the ass beatin or wh-

You honestly wish you could say what the rest of that sentence was going to be, but you’re currently too busy hopping timelines to do so. Too bad for you.

You’re instead left standing in front of what looks like a fashion store, one of a fairly decent size and definitely one with great success, judging by the polished high quality marble and quartz that the building is constructed of. A big jade colored sign in what looks similar to a cursive-like style spells out “Maryam’s Tailorings And Fittings”, above large glass windows on either side of a mahogany door. Many outfits on dark grey mannequins with horn-like appendages on the heads presented different dresses and the like, giving small glimpses to the workshop inside.

You guess that you shouldn’t linger around too long here, you don’t want to cause problems for the people here. How do you even get back, anyway? Do your retcon powers transcend universes? You’re assuming you just hopped universes anyway, maybe you hopped through timelines or something too, who knows.

You quickly un-summon your heir clothes (you think that’s what’s happening anyway, you aren’t exactly sure) and your casual clothes pop back up again. You are REALLY glad that you didn’t just end up in your underwear or something. If that is even possible to happen, you wouldn’t know.

John: oh, uh, hey?

Rose(?): I suppose coming out not only improved your mental state, but your energy in general as well. You must really be excited for today.

John: hold on, i think you’ve got the wrong person, i’m not june!

John: ugh, this is gonna be weird to explain, isn’t it.

Rose(?): Pardon me?

John: okay, i know this is gonna sound really dumb and confusing and all that, but i’m not actually from here at all. see, this weird thing happened with this new hammer i alchemized-

Rose(?): June, listen.

This world’s version of Rose places a silky blue gloved hand on your shoulder. She’s wearing this bright orange blouse-dress hybrid with a lighter blue sash around her waist, the sun symbol for the light aspect and her own little squiddle design in the form of pins attached to said sash. To top it all off, she’s wearing black greek-style sandals. Yeesh, she’s gone full elegant lesbian. Which isn’t a bad thing obviously, she looks awesome.

Alt!Rose: I know things have gotten you nervous, but these ever increasingly grandiose ways of trying to re-suppress your feelings aren’t going to make you feel better about any of this. Trust me when I say that no matter how insurmountably intimidating this seems to you, this may be better for you in the long run if you push through.

John: …??????????

John: okay, you’ve honestly lost me here. why do you keep calling me june??

Alt!Rose: …

Alt!Rose: What did you confess in the conversation just a few days ago, right before Dave, Jade and I were about to leave for the night after we finally convinced you to socialize a bit more?

John: but i wasn’t-

Alt!Rose: I know this might seem strange, but I want to be sure of something. Humor me.

John: uh…

John: i obviously confessed something…

John: what, did i confess i was a gay crossdresser or something in this universe?

John: did i swoon so hard over dave that i just went “yep, i’m gay” and reawaken my crossdressing spirit bunny?

Alt!Rose: Hm.

Alt!Rose: As hilariously wonderful as that would be to bear witness to, no, that isn’t what occurred, although dresses were involved.

Alt!Rose: But that did confirm what I was wondering.

John: well, if you would had let me finish, i was gonna actually explain how this dumb hammer just teleported me here-

You present the Ghostly Dreidel ‘Radihoo for good measure.

John: -and i think it accidentally made me replace your version of me or something? it’s not exactly super clear if i just, erased them, swapped with them, replaced them, or whatever!

Alt!Rose: My my, that was an awfully nonchalant way of explaining that you possibly and involuntarily murdered a good friend of mine. What tact on your part, let me say.

John: okay, i could have probably phrased that better.

Alt!Rose: Well, absolutely no shit.

John: okay okay, i’m sorry! it’s not like i know what exactly happened anyway, the hammer just shouted out this vague name before throwing me in the transdimensional rabbit hole of weird timeline universey junk.

Alt!Rose: Well.

Alt!Rose: Might I ask what incantation the ghostly bullshit timeline hammer happened to utter into your ears?

John: it said this phrase like “getting universal schwifty” or something like that. it was a pretty dumb bland name, if you ask me.

Alt!Rose: Well, I would ask June if any of her weapons of unfortuitous shenanigans would do such a thing as this, but she just so happens to be a victim to the aforementioned shenanigans.

Alt!Rose: Might I inquire as to the nature of your god powers? Specifically any of the timeline jumping sort.

John: oh, you mean like retcon stuff?

Alt!Rose: Precisely what I mean.

John: i mean, i don’t have a full grasp on how they work beyond messing with time and fate stuff, but i do have that at my disposal.

John: it feels like it’s as inconsistent as the terminator movie’s time travel stuff, it never really gives away how it actually is supposed to work. you guys have the terminator movies in this universe, right?

Alt!Rose: Yes, and let me assure you that the Retcon abilities are functioning under consistent rules. As in you won’t be having a child with your own mother that turns out to be yourself one minute, and the next slaughtering your own mother as a newborn and disappearing from existence.

John: okay, cool, because i was not up for being in a movie series with shitty ever changing time travel rules.

John: that, and i do NOT want to have myself as my own kid with Jane, that’s just gross.

Alt!Rose: Considering that our Jane is already in a healthy relationship with a certain other Lalonde and a cherub, I doubt that’s any worry in our universe at the very least.

Alt!Rose: In any case, what you likely need to do is envision the very specifics of your universe and what was happening at the current time you had disappeared from in the first place, as to narrow down the results of where the retcon will place you.

John: oh, that sounds pretty similar to a tactic terezi used back in my universe, it shouldn’t be too difficult to do. thanks a lot!

You begin trying to retcon back, attempting to envision Meenah talking to you in the midst of the battle against Aranea and Sollux, but you stop yourself when Rose reaches out slightly.

Alt!Rose: Hold it.

John: huh?

Alt!Rose: Before you go, there’s a piece of advice I want to give you. If you’re willing to listen.

John: oh, sure! if it’s quick, i’m kinda on a tight schedule with things.

Alt!Rose: If you’re anything like June, do yourself a favor, and be more open.

John: ...but i am open, i tell people how i think or feel about things all the time, maybe a little too much now that i think about-

Alt!Rose: What I mean is that you shouldn’t suppress emotions, worries, or true feelings you think are unimportant or silly. Take it from me, June had spent the better part of two years suppressing many things about her identity and putting herself through many strains as a result.

Alt!Rose: My point is, be honest with yourself. It’s better in the long run if you do. Don’t let suppressed emotions boil over.

You stand silent for a minute.

John: …okay, i’ll keep that in mind, i guess.

John: hopefully june gets back here eventually, i don’t want to have accidentally sent her into a nic cage movie or something.

Alt!Rose: ...What the hell does that-

John: long story.

You give a quick wave, before attempting Rose’s suggested retcon tactic again and disappearing in the power’s signature glow.

Rose leans against her loving girlfriend’s fashion parlor and sighs.

Alt!Rose: She should be here in 5, 4…

Before Rose’s countdown can finish, a light blue glow cuts her off.

June: hey rose! sorry about disappearing on you, there was this whole thing with being teleported away, i met a bunch of ghosts beating the shit out of some sea dweller version of aranea, you wouldn’t believe all the stuff that i just saw!

Rose: Oh really?

June: yeah really! everyone was super confused about me being there, apparently i replaced this other version of me that had a weird new universe jumping hammer?

June: it was strange to say the least, haha!

Kanaya: Well It Certainly Sounds Like Quite The Little Adventure, Whatever You Were Just Talking About

Kanaya: Should I Ask

Rose: Don’t worry about it too much dear, it isn’t too terribly important.

Kanaya: Like How You Blowing Up My Sewing Device While Trying To “Enchant It” Wasnt Too Terribly Important

June: hold on, what?

Rose: Long story short, Roxy’s alchemized Minecraft enchanting table lied to me.

Kanaya: Im Sure It Did

Kanaya: In Any Case, Would The Both Of You Like To Accompany Me Inside

Kanaya: I Have A Wonderful Array Of New Outfits For June To Try, Im Hoping They Are To Your Taste

June: i’m sure they’ll be awesome, i’m just excited to try out new clothes in general! some skirts would be awesome, and i have full trust that everything you have will be great!

Rose: And I’m sure you won’t be disappointed in the slightest. Well, Kanaya, are we ready to enhance our lovely lady’s wardrobe?

Kanaya: One Could Say I Was Hatched Ready Darling

June: then let’s go, you guys can have your flirty date of nerdy goth fashionista stuff later!

Rose: The joke’s on you, our dates only involve pajamas and movie marathons, despite your expectations.

Kanaya: Either That Or Kidnapping Rose To Try On Outfits

Kanaya: I Tend To Prefer The Latter Option Since The Former Involves Awful Movies And Horrible Pajamas

Rose: Ignoring your insult to my wonderful date ideas, every single outfit you made me try on is wonderful, love.

Kanaya: Oh I Know, You Tell Me Every Time

June: pfff, you guys are a great couple.

—————————————————————

That was definitely weird.

I don’t THINK I’m suppressing anything, I’m not sure how the heck I’m supposed to use that advice?

Well, whatever, it shouldn’t be a big deal, good advice is good advice, and I’ll probably make use of it SOMEHOW.

Back on track though, that Rose’s other advice for the retcon stuff worked, and it looks like i’m back in the right place!

Well, depends on the definition of “right place” we’re going with. If you mean right universe, then we’re all good! As in a safe place…

Well, I don’t think standing in the direct line of crazy deadly eye blasts counts as the “right” place.

I barely manage to dodge out of the way as the lasers blast a hole into the rock behind where I just was, and I quickly grab any hammer to throw at Sollux the mind controlled troll guy.

Apparently normal claw hammers are just as effective at knocking people out as a super powerful universe jumping hammer, who knew?

Sollux slumps to the ground, as the others corner Aranea against what’s left of the rock wall, considering we fucked it up with both my magic sword thing and Sollux’s eye blasts (along with what looks like rubble embedded into the rock and sand everywhere? It’s like a telekinesis fight went down). Everyone’s pretty banged up on both sides, but that’s not stopping anyone from taking down Aranea.

Aranea: Alright, I see things have not progressed as smoothly as I thought…

Jagged rocks begin to float behind everyone in a “oh shit, there’s about to be a villain at the hero’s mercy stereotypical backstab moment” sort of way.

Aranea: So perhaps we can reconsider the direction this is going to take?

(Roxy): or how abt we kick ur ass and go do the plan the people have decided on

(Roxy): that and youre a fuckin butt that i dont really trust so how about no

Jane: Aranea, I’m certain you lost negotiation rights when you thought it was a delightful idea to HOLD A SWORD TO MY NECK.

Aranea: I did warn-

I nonchalantly throw the claw hammer at Aranea, and apparently full-on ghosts can get knocked out too?

I’m guessing Sollux was half ghost anyway, since only one of his eyes was the ghosty ones.

Everyone just turns and looks at me.

John: hey, i’m back!

John: sorry about disappearing on you guys.

Jane: May I…

Jane: Ask where on Earth you went??

Meenah: his dumbass hammer sent that bouy on a space jam to a different universe, what do u think fuckin happened

Meenah: i literally told u sons of fishes this

John: yeah, meenah's right on that one.

John: i got teleported to some random universes and replaced some version of me named june-

(Roxy): oh u mean cute n cool trans gal

(Roxy): yeah she was super confused as heck at first when she appeared in front of fishy pifish, but she helped kick araneas butt for a bit before headin out

(Roxy): let me say it is awesome to have fellow trans gal solidarity

(Roxy): especially w/ relating on how sucky dealing with bod dysphoria is like jeez, poor gal didnt even have the benefit of prospit girl body to switch to, just hanging out for two years while feeling trapped in the wrong ass body

(Roxy): even worse she was doin some bad ol’ fashioned suppression time

(Roxy): i hope they got some cool way of transitioning in her universe, she deserves some good things

John: ...okay, apparently she was not some genderbended version of me, and now i have so many questions.

(Dave): i can explain some of the shit to you if you want man

(Dave): get your gendery knowledge a-building faster than the flash desperately waving the gay pride flag to be accepted as an ally

Meenah: who the fuck is the flash, sounds like he rips off his shirt every five seconds to present his stupid ass mussels to make up for thatuncreative ass name

Vriska: Hey, we can focus on the gender train later? I know you’re like, the one special person here or something, 8ut no8ody cares.

Vriska: We have ghosts to gra8, not people to 8a88le a8out.

Aradia: oh don’t be a downer, vriska

Aradia: i know you didn’t get anybody to relate to in your own identity issues, but-

Vriska: Quiet Megido.

(Roxy): hey i already finished up my time on the gender train for now, no big

(Roxy): almost missed the “serket’s skinny dumb ass” station, but we got there peeps

Vriska: Not commenting.

(Vriska): Commenting, because we should still attempt to get this plot of stupidity over with as soon as possible. Does anybody know where the hell the last two ghosts we need are?

(Terezi): 3V3RYON3 3XC3PT JOHN 4ND 4L1V3 J4N3, G3T YOUR 4SS3S MOV1NG TO F1ND TH3 TWO M1SS1NG N3RDS, W3 GOTT4 T4LK

(Terezi): 1F YOU DO H4V3 TH3M SOM3WH3R3, TH4T’S GR34T BUT MY FUCK L3V3LS 4R3 NOT TOO H1GH R1GHT NOW SO GO H1D3 B3H1ND SOM3 ROCKS OR SOM3TH1NG W3 H4V3 BUS1N3SS TO 4TT3ND

(Terezi): TH4T BUS1N3SS B31NG R1PP1NG D1CKH34D VR1SK4 4 COMPL3T3LY QU4L1TY N3W ON3

(Terezi): SO SOM3 PR1V4CY WOULD B3 GR34TLY 4PPR3C14T3D

Vriska: Excuse you????

Aradia: would anyone mind if i stayed here with sollux

Aradia: on one hand i dont hold any ill will towards vriska at this point, but on the other hand

Aradia: we do have sollux here, and i was thinking it would be better to wait and see if he can wake up in time to get any possible words in

Aradia: that and im just not too interested in making him drag against the sand since im obviously not tall enough to have him completely off the ground

Aradia: oh well, he’ll just be napping on the ground for a bit

John: ...you mean lying unconscious, right?

John: because i don’t think being completely knocked out by a hammer to the forehead really counts as napping.

John: like, at all.

Aradia: i thought saying that he was napping was more nicely put, but yes that too

(Terezi): SUR3, YOU C4N ST4Y

(Terezi): TH3 MOR3 W1TH GR13V4NC3S TO CH3W H3R OUT TH3 B3TT3R, SH3’S NOT GONN4 G3T 1T 1N H3R SKULL OTH3RW1S3

Vriska: You have got to 8e shitting me here. How the hell is this the most pressing fucking thing for you to dedicate any significant amount of time to?

Vriska: I know you have this whole “I’m so much smarter and older and well learned than you” schtick going on, but really. This horseshit can wait until we have all the bullcrap out of the way and DONE.

(Vriska): Actually, considering that you felt you had enough time to insult me REPEATEDLY while English was a problem, I think my bitterness can fit into our tight schedule.

Vriska: Shut up fatass, wasn’t talking to-

I know I wasn’t commenting a lot on this stuff, but jesus, there’s a distinct difference between punching a ghost in the face and punching a living, breathing person in the face.

Mainly with a lot more blood and lost teeth. Especially when it’s TWO fists connecting to the jaw.

Vriska: YOU SON OF 8 FUCKING 8ITCH!!!!!!!!

(Vriska): Learn some manners for once, asshole.

And now they’re wrestling on the ground.

This went as well as I expected.

And now I’m gonna have to stop them from beating the shit out of each other more.

Well, guess it’s not Vriska and Terezi if they’re not causing chaos and giving people headaches.  
I’m just hoping that they cool off by the time the others get back.

Jane: Oh dear lord, today is never going to end.

—————————————————————

[Your name is JOHN EGBERT.]

[Today, APRIL 13, of whatever fucking year this is, is your SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY.]

[You totally were given your name at birth, and there is definitely no circumstantial evidence to prove you otherwise. What kind of weirdo gets their name LONG AFTER their birth?]

[Today of all days has been speedy, hectic, and quick. You foresee a long year ahead of you as a result, and it’s definitely not pretty.]

[You just gotta hope there’s a light at the end of the tunnel here.]

===> JOHN EGBERT: TRULY STEP INTO THE DIVERGENT REALITY.

ACT 1 HAS TRULY BEGUN.


	6. Act 1: Final, Chapter 1

You stand in the midst of 8 fallen gods, risen anew to combat the Lord, fated to create a demon far more powerful than anyone could comprehend.

The Cherub widens his mouth in a devilishly offputting display, this vermin of a Lord believing himself to be invincible. His fate was decided as always, and with this final piece of the Lord’s puzzle connected to the final masterpiece, the fates of all involved will be given back to their rightful owners.

Today is the day that destiny dies like a little bitch.

(You honestly had to get your part in, didn’t you?)

Hush you cur, and keep typing.

Your name is JOHN EGBERT, and you have placed the ghosts in the places they need to be, as planned. Although ghosts don’t honestly describe these guys anymore, since the “not dead” part is a thing now. You hope some of them do make it out and that Aranea was just pulling things out of her ass, it would suck for them to all just get murdered again.

You probably should get going soon, because-

Okay what the fuck happened to his eyes?

Do you even want to attempt describing that?

Not that you can’t, but you’re just fed up with and tired of surprise plot twist bullshit slapping you constantly today, like holy shit. You don’t need to pull all the stops right now, you can wait a fucking second to whip out this Saturday’s wacky ass reveal of the main villain’s eyeballs undergoing a seizure.

You’re just going to go, screw it.

Jane and Vriska said they’d be heading back to the universe’s entrance house thing on their own, so you think it wouldn’t hurt to just zap on ahead of them. The Dream Bubbles are surprisingly close to the victory platform, you think they’ll be fine.

Besides, Rose would probably appreciate you not fucking with the current course of events so her vision doesn’t get more muddy or something.

What DOES happen to her vision after retcons, anyway? You know that it probably just shifts to fit the retcon’s effects eventually, but does it actually hurt her somehow whenever you do it?

You’ll have to ask later.

You have an entire lifetime ahead of you now, all the time in the world.

John Egbert has completely diverted the timeline.

[Reinitializing…]

[Program HS_act7 ‘s events have been contradicted due to player know_All’s choice.]

[factor.vriska is currently back in play.]  
[factor.aradia is currently back in play.]  
[factor.sollux is currently back in play.]  
[ currently (2 or more) unidentified factors back in play.]  
[factor.davepetasprite^2 back in play.]  
[Future factors soon to be in play.]

[Note; the game has been finished, anomaly Lord English perpetuated . Events now open ended.]

[Error: contradiction in previous code for HS_act7 still evident. Ignore? Y/N]

(Y)

[Retconning; Andrew Hussie threw in the happy ending part as bullshit. Events shown is what actually happened in diverted timeline. Everyone is fine with this.]

[Epilogues.exe and Homestuck^2BeyondCanon.exe still running. Command?]

(Delete all existing versions of programs.)

[Deleting existing programs in HS_DivergentReality…]

[Programs wiped from system. Dirk will no longer become a sweaty sociopath dickhead version of Kamina.]

[Future references now available. Shoving Dio Brando body pillow into Dirk’s closet.]

(Excuse me, what?)

[What?]

(Why the hell is Jojo getting introduced into here? Am I seriously going to have to tag Jojo in this and label this as a crossover?)

(This is actually going to scar some Jojo fans if they read this, I’m not up for giving some poor Jotaro and Dio crack shipper post Homestuck fear disorder.)

[Beats the hell out of me, and who cares. Can I keep the slightly snarky but absolutely nonsentient asshole computer program bit going without interruptions? Thanks. And if you were interested, Dirk does actually have the pillow.]

(Wasn’t going to ask.)

[Wasn’t going to answer you anyway, so moving on.]

[HS_DivergentReality booted up. Beginning program…]

Your name is ROSE LALONDE.

And you are being harassed by a demonic genderbend Sylvester the high on seizure lights and slapstick cat as you attempt to get back to your preperations with Calliope.

And by that, you mean Jasprose, who is currently ignoring her duties with loading the supplies onto Carapacian ships to pester you about her crushes.

Jasprose:

Oh come on, stop shoving your gothy wizard wand up your ass and take a load off! My goodness fucking god it’s surprising how a complete hotass like you is even tangentially related to me with you being an apodictic party shitter! You need to loosen up, when was the last time you went to a chiropractor? Need to get those vertebraes a’ crackle poppin’ to beat the tension away?

Jasprose:

Oooo, I know! I bet my Jane story ought to make you get one chuckle eventually, there’s only so many times you can hear the word cakebutt before snickering! C’mon ya hardass, one more story, one more story!

Rose: Calliope, would you mind shooting Jasprose’s tongue off? I feel as if my neurons intend to implode to make sure I’m sent to the afterlife with some damn shred of sanity intact without hearing Jasprose shout cookietits at the top of her lungs again.

Rose: Although, with the whims of serendipity, or at least fate’s version of it, it’ll send Jasprose to pester me into gleeful mania as we reenact the Alice in Wonderland tea party in with me having the appropriate role of the mad hatter by that point.

Calliope: well, if I may, ms. lalonde, yoU do seem to be sticking yoUrself into a rut of stress and worry. i believe jasprose is attempting to be magnamonioUs towards yoU by getting yoUr mind settled onto another less drainging topic to discUss? and i do fancy hearing aboUt her escespades in romancing Jane, it does provide a good soUrce of amUsement!

Jasprose:

See? Calliope knows how to not to shove her head up her pussy cat!

Rose: I’m certain that A, I am not shoving my head into a cat, and B, calling Crocker a sugar mama and making cat puns at her is not very effective at courting her.

Jasprose:

Jasprose:

I honestly expected you to catch onto that pun faster.

Rose: What pu-

Rose: Oh.

Rose: Oh god damn it.

Jasprose:

Aw, is someone getting flustered over pussy? I know you’re into women but god damn, have some dignity madame!

Rose: Your existence is just to spite me and nothing else, Jasprose is a demon I incured upon myself as a result of my failures, Jasprose is a fool inhabiting one of my alternate selves, she is but a madwoman who’s sole purpose is to bring migraines and existential crises…

Jasprose:

Oops, Sabrina’s got a migraine again! Better call those two aunts of hers again, gotta get the Migrainy Zappy Awayey spell!

Rose: If you refer to me as the teenage witch one more time, so help me god I will make it my mission to eradicate any and all mentions of Archie comics from history, and roast alive every surviving copy of their scriptures myself.

Calliope: on second thoUghts, perhaps your partial spectral steward, partial feline counterpart is not the greatest source of any repose on your end.

Rose: My my, whatever gave you THAT idea?

Jasprose:

Aw, alright, I’ll skidaddle Rose. Obviously my presensce is not appreciated here, so I shall roam the lush green pastures of wherever the fuck, North America, until you lighten up! Toodle ooo!

Jasprose:

*zooms into the void*

Rose: And there the bane of my existence goes, face floating off her body as she hopefully disintegrates and stops existing outright.

Rose: Her incadescent seizure lights fading along with her blindingly bright personality of cat feces and gouged eyeballs, falling into obscurity where she shall remain for milennia, archaeologists discovering the bright pink and purple bones of a horrid neon ghostly cryptid, rumored to have fucked off to the highest peaks of Mt. Felis.

Rose: I am asked to participate in a documentary on the discovery, in which I simply stroll over to the remains, spit on them, and vaporize them with a bolt of quantum Denizen lightning, or whatever comes out of Echidna’s quills.

Calliope: yoUr monologUe wasn’t as… eloqUent as i had anticipated.

Rose: My brain currently has been overloaded and I just wish for wizard fanfics and hot vampire, Calliope, sometimes one is just a simple woman with simple needs.

Rose: I believe this is what the mortals refer to as a “burnout”.

Calliope: oh bollocks, i know the feeling! here, allow me to finish the docUmentation of oUr strategem and oUr envisaged societal reconstrUction program, yoU go and enjoy yoUrself for a moment, if yoU please!

Rose: But-

Calliope immediately starts pushing you out the door.

Calliope: my apologies, bUt this isn’t something yoUr preference will allow yoU to arbitrate! yoU immensely need to take to some respite from your worries, for the wonderful rose lalonde, author of the most important novel in sbUrb history, cannot spend her time caUght in her own mind forever!

Rose: Alright, I will leave you to it. I trust you’ll have everything done by the time I’m back, then?

Calliope: i can certainly give it my best college try, ms. lalonde, you can be assUred of that. have a splendid time!

And now you’re outside with only you and your thoughts, left with nothing else to work on for the time being.

Your first thought is to check on the process of the Knights, aka the two who you believe are most likely to have any catastrophes occuring. Not out of incompetence, of course, those two may be absolute nerds, but they aren’t stupid or untrustworthy.

It’s more as if they attract the most bizarre and asinine situations over in their general proximity.

And only SOMETIMES are they the ones responsible.

You’ll get to speak with Kanaya there as well, and you already know your own thoughts on that.

You still feel relatively stressed as you pass through the woodlands of crimson and bronze leaves, whether that be the new unpredictability of what the future may bring, or perhaps it’s how  
you feel like you’re being watched by something not so willing to be reasonable or benevolent.

Whatever it may be, you push on to the same hunk of space rock you had called your very quaint residence for the previous three years, hoping to see some good progress.

You see what looks like an insormountable amount of newborns, and hear what’s rather concerning sounding discourse among two trolls, a knight, and a witch you didn’t expect to see at this moment.

Jade: karkat, come on, i was just experimenting and analyzing a bit! not a single baby was made, all i did was study how the genetic code works with paradox cloning!

Karkat: THAT’S NOT WHAT MY CONCERN WAS HERE, JADE. MY CONCERN WAS YOU LEAVING YOUR LITTLE FLOWERY NOTEPAD D I R E CT LY NEXT TO OUR OFFICIAL LOGS FOR THE CLONING QUOTAS. THEY COULD HAVE EASILY GOTTEN MIXED UP, AND THEN SOME RANDOM FUCKER COULD HAVE WALKED UP TO IT, GONE “OH SHIT, WE MISSED SOME OF OUR REQUIRED GRUBS, GUESS I NEED TO SHOVE MY SHRIVLED BULGE INTO THE SLIME LIKE THE DUMB BASTARD I AM”, AND BOOM, WE HAVE SOME RANDOM BABY OF WHATEVER FUCKING SPECIES IT TURNS OUT AS AND FORCE IT TO LIVE OUT IT’S DAYS AS A MUTATED OUTCAST AMONG A SOCIETY THAT SPITS ON IT’S VERY HEINOUS EXISTENCE.

Jade: karkat, you’re being a bit extreme on that last part, to begin with

Jade: first off, my notepad was clearly labelled in bright green with JADES NOTES! in full caps and with a little smiley face to boot!

Jade: secondly, i don’t think anybody would be dumb enough to mistake a notepad with flowers on it with a dull black journal, you’d have to be super unobservant to not see that they’re two different things

Jade: three, if worse comes to worse, couldn’t we just make more of their species? it doesn’t seem like it would be so hard to paradox clone a bunch more of them so they aren’t so lonely

Jade: finally, i think you’re just overreacting a teeny tiny fucking bit, so maybe we can just chill a bit?

Karkat:

Karkat: OKAY, MAYBE I WAS OVERREACTING SLIGHTLY. BUT FOR FUTURE REFERENCE, ACTUALLY WARN THE PEOPLE RUNNING THE TIME SPACE BABY MAKER WHEN YOU WANT TO MAKE YOURSELF A NICE TROLL HUMAN HYBRID SLIME MILKSHAKE? P L E A S E?

Karkat: AND SINCE I’M THE ONE WITH THE MOST EXPERIENCE WITH ECTOBIOLOGY, YOU CAN, YOU KNOW, ASK ME SHIT IF YOU NEED TO KNOW SOMETHING? JUST A SUGGESTION?

Jade: okay, that sounds reasonable! i’ll keep in mind not to not sneak myself into your private PRIVATE baby making affairs next time!

Karkat: HARLEY, I’D LIKE FOR YOU TO CHECK YOUR PHRASING FOR ANYTHING SUGGESTIVE THAT MAKES IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU’RE SLIDING OFF YOUR HUMAN CLOTHES TO TRY AND STEAL MY BULGE.

Jade: oh come on, i was kidding you tightass!

Karkat: DON’T YOU MEAN FUCKASS? FUCKASS WAS YOUR THING.

Jade: i can have variety in my asses karkat, let me have my ass freedom!

Dave: well ain’t that an assload of variety then

Dave: hell i think the variety of your ass is greater in size than any of the kardashian’s fake ass shit that they use plastic surgery for to shove on their behinds

Dave: although to be fair i have no fucking clue on much about the kardashians besides kim having a show about keeping up with her sex life in 2007 or something

Dave: that and she showed up in disaster movie, which sounds pretty emblematic of how great she actually was

Dave: point is that you have a lot more ass here

Dave: the ass queen of science is on the premises, please back the fuck up before you get overwhelmed by her knowledge of e-mc^2 and the biological structure of a butt

Kanaya: I Am Beginning To Worry About Both Daves Sanity When It Comes To Backside Pillows And Him Being In My Proximity At The Current Moment

Rose: If I may interject, I think Dave simply is going for a certain someone’s ass. After all, Karkat and Dave have gotten fairly close in these past three years.

Dave:

Dave: you forgot to add jade into the list of butts i’m going for

Jade: wait hold on, what

Karkat: DAVE, FOR FUCKS SAKE, SAY YOU’RE JOKING SO WE CAN MOVE ON TO SOMETHING LESS STUPID.

Rose: Oh hush you two, Dave can be a bisexual mess if he pleases. I’d certainly enjoy picking apart his thoughts on you two.

Dave: and welcome to “rose lalonde is invasive as shit with people’s privacy by looking way too into jokes” episode one

Dave: today’s subject is making dave uncomfortable on something that rose is obviously hypocritical over in every aspect

Rose: Pardon me, but how am I hypocritical?

Rose: I’m simply looking at the obvious signs of crushes that you have on two people that you attempt to hide behind a, quite frankly, ineffective mask.

Kanaya: Would You Like The Answer For That To Involve My Explanation On How You Still Attempt To Be A Cold Hearted And Vindictive Sorceress Of Darkness While Being An Absolutely Adorable, Intelligent And Passionate Young Woman Who Tends To Melt Over Me Whenever Were In Private, Who Also Does Silly And Endearing Wizard Related Activities Including Fanfiction, Or Would You Prefer Me Act Ignorant On The Subject

Kanaya: Because I Totally Don’t See Through Your Front Easily At All, And There Is In Fact No Front At All, Absolutely None

Kanaya: But Would You Like Me To Continue Or Has The Point Been Proven Well Enough Yet

Rose: …

Rose: Well shit, I have been exposed.

Dave: you havent exactly hidden your shit well either rose

Dave: i think anybody can detect your nerdy obsession with wizards from a mile away honestly

Jade: not to mention that even after so long, i can STILL notice when you guys are being genuine with your emotions or not!

Jade: either i’m just good at reading people, or you guys just are so bad at hiding emotions.

Karkat: EVERYONE HERE IS SHIT AT HIDING EMOTIONS, WHAT’S YOUR POINT?

Rose: Jade does actually present a good point, it seems my sorceress of the shadows persona has gotten quite rusty as of late.

Jade: and i wonder why that is? :P

Kanaya: Jades Tongue Being Out Is Very Emblematic Of How Much Of What The Strider-Lalonde Siblings Let Peek Out Of Their Mouths Emotions Wise

Kanaya: Not That Im Complaining Of Course

Karkat: OKAY, CAN WE GO ON AND ESTABLISH WHY ROSE IS HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Karkat: BECAUSE EITHER SOMETHING HAPPENED AND OUR CURRENT PLANNER HAS DECIDED TO MAKE SURE WE DIDN’T FUCK UP ANYTHING ELSE TOO, OR SHE WANTS TO JOIN IN ON THE SHENANIGAN BULLSHIT OF CARRYING AROUND BABIES.

Rose: Actually, I was just on a cherub mandated break, since I am clearly as effected by being burned out as every other living being.

Rose: I was more interested in having a calming time to relax in the company of good friends.

Rose: But Jade, may I ask what brought you over to the ectobiology lab? Was Mr. English’s company that mind numbingly dull at the time?

Jade: hehe, no, it was good working and talking with Jake, no worries! We just decided to go on a bit of a break

Jade: He was supposed to join me here too, but Jake ran off after Dirk when the guy rammed straight into him!

Dave: (you could say he came out of nowh-)

Karkat: (IF YOU FINISH THAT SENTENCE, DIRK WON’T BE THE ONE BODYSLAMMING YOU.)

Rose: I actually spoke with Jake recently, on the topic of our daring Englishman. he’s currently assisting Dirk with some alchemy work for the time being, in John’s place.

Kanaya: Did Something Happen To John To Necessitate His Absence?

Jade: …

Rose: No, he just went off to handle an important mission alongside Jane, specifically a trek into the dream bubbles to make sure a certain spider troll isn’t getting theirself into trouble of their own making. There shouldn’t be any problems.

Jade: oh thank fucking god, i was so worried something happened to him again! after our john…

Jade’s mood obviously falls from it’s high point. A solemn, regretful expression washing over her to match her mulling over what had gone wrong.

Everyone falls silent. Nobody needs a further explanation of where Jade’s fellow god went in the past three years. You certainly don’t want another recounting of it, the first explanation was enough. Jade doesn’t need to think more on it. Although, for the awkward silence that grabs everyone for the next few minutes, you think the thoughts are likely stewing in the cauldron of her mind, boiling with what is likely her guilt and lonliness that likely went unadressed.

Although, a breeze clues you in on something that will possibly lift everyone’s spirits soon enough.

John: hey guys, hey rose! i finished doing that job for you! how’s everyone doing?

And the saving grace of the conversation himself descends from the clouds, and hopefully steering the topic from the unspoken words sorrounding the status of his counterpart.

John: sorry if it seemed like i just hopped off the face of the earth or something, but i was just handling lord english and vriska stuff, and to be honest, it wasn’t too bad! i had to help fight vriska’s ghost ancestor, sure, but it really was just a bunch of teleporting around most of the time, so it was pretty much issue free! how’s everything progressing, anyway? you guys look like you’re just standing around, so i’m assuming...

Jade looks over at him in a way reminiscent of a, fittingly, kicked puppy. You think the mask she likely wore and kept up from the victory platform ungracefully dumping you all into the birthed universe until now, is slowly, painfully shattering into a fine dust. John trails off.

John: did-

John: did something happen?

John: i think i came at the wrong time.

Rose: It’s not your fault John, don’t worry yourself about that.

Rose: The topic of your self that was native to this timeline had come up, and it’s seemingly still a fairly sore subject.

John: ...oh.

Dave: yeah

Dave: not exactly the most uplifting topic to be discussing here but seems like we slipped into it faster than some creep in your dms

Kanaya: Dave Perhaps The Disturbing Similes Of Yours Are Things That Should Not Be Joining In On The Slipping

Dave: my bad

Jade: …

John: should i…?

Karkat: OKAY, FOR FUCKS SAKE CAN WE JUST STOP DANCING AROUND THIS SHIT?

Karkat: OUR LACK OF COMMUNICATION IS OBVIOUSLY NOT FUCKING HELPING US FEEL BETTER HERE, SO CAN WE ***ADDRESS*** THE TOPIC INSTEAD OF PRETENDING WE’VE SEWN OUR MOUTHS SHUT IN SOME STUPID BULLSHIT PACT OF SILENCE?

Karkat: BECAUSE I’M NOT LETTING THIS SHIT STEW LONGER THAN IT NEEDS TO, IF I’VE LEARNED ONE THING IN MY LIFE IT’S THAT THE MORE WE ACTUALLY TALK OUT OUR FUCKING PROBLEMS AND GET THINGS OUT, THE EASIER OUR LIVES GET.

John moves to say something.

Karkat: EGBERT.

Karkat: CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY.

John: hey, calm down karkat, i was just going to suggest that i should be giving jade some space!

John: i’m not exactly sure if my presence is helping things here, since i’m kinda…

John: well you know, the guy linked to what jade’s feeling bad about.

Jade: john, it’s okay

Jade: you’re not doing anything wrong, i just

Jade: i let john and davesprite die. it’s my fault they aren’t standing here now. i don’t know if paradox space made it so that i would always be forced into a position of hopelessness and isolation, but i know it’s my fault that i can’t get myself to be anything but useless.

Jade: it always feels like i can’t even do anything to help, because me just BEING here is detrimental. it doesn’t matter if i’m the one with the first guardian powers, it doesn’t matter if i know anything, in the end i’m just stuck in a cycle of being the weak link of the group no matter what i try.

John: …

John: jade, i don’t think it’s your fault.

John: it’s not like you didn’t try to do anything, you weren’t really even given the chance to make any choices from what i heard.

Rose: I had planned to let you two have your moment, but I’m compelled to concur with John. What happened on that day on the Prospitian battleship was not anything that you were able to control.

Rose: I have a feeling that fate was the culprit behind their demise, not you. It’s not something you could have predicted.

Dave: you know what

Dave: since we got the almost everyone in our friend squad saying shit i might as well

Dave: harley i literally have no clue how the hell this could be your fault

Dave: it’s not like you went ahead and said “oh shit i see john and bird dave go flying towards johns planet time to commit double homicide via world explosion”

Dave: hell you had no fucking clue that the shitty oil planet was attempting to get blown to kingdom come

Dave: it just happened

Jade: but i can’t stop thinking about what i could have done to help!

Jade: i’m still left with a bad taste in my mouth telling me that i could have, and should have done better.

Jade: it’s a sort of survivor’s guilt i haven’t been able to shake for three years now, i don’t think a pep talk telling me that nothing was wrong with me is going to make this go away.

Karkat: JADE, US HELPING YOU DOESN’T STOP WITH A FUCKING MOTIVATIONAL SPEECH. I DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING, AND NOBODY ELSE DOES EITHER, BUT WE’RE GOING TO WORK WITH WHAT WE CAN TO HELP.

Karkat: NONE OF US ARE THERAPISTS, AND WE CAN’T JUST WISH AWAY THIS SHIT WITH THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP OR WHATEVER. WE’LL DO WHAT WE’RE ABLE TO REGARDLESS.

Kanaya: Even If Weve Been Seperated For So Long And Have Grown Somewhat Apart As A Result

Kanaya: If We Try In Spite Of Our Estrangement Then I Believe Well Be More Than Able To Help You Feel Better Someday

Kanaya: Time Is Key Dear

Kanaya: That Is What Im Sure Of

Jade: …you all mean so much to me. even after so long of not seeing any of you, i’m surprised you still want to deal with my problems

Dave: true friendships last forever harley, if im allowed to be sappier than a tree in the middle of october harvest season or some shit

Rose: This conversation got sappy as soon as Karkat brought up the Magic of Friendship.

John: pfff, now i’m imagining karkat as an angry pony with just the word fuck as a cutie mark.

Jade: hehe, he would actually be cute that way!

Karkat: I NOW WANT TO DIE AND TAKE BACK EVERY WORD THAT ESCAPED THE PRISON OF FUCKING ORGANSHIT THAT IS MY MOUTH.

Karkat: AND THEN PROCEED TO USE JOHN’S IMAGINARY HORSE BASTARD VERSION OF ME TO BEAT MY BRAINS INTO A NICE PULP FOR ALL THE NEARBY DUMBASS HORSE VERSIONS OF US TO GRAZE ON.

Karkat: AFTERWARDS-

Kanaya: Before Karkat Bursts All His Blood Vessels And Makes The Grazing Metaphor A Little Closer To Reality I Suggest We Have A Group Hug

Kanaya: Preferably With My Fangs On The Opposite End Of The Hug From Karkat

John: i’m starting to notice that you guys have a weird theme with mouths, and i’m not sure how to respond to that.

Rose: Shut up and hug John.

Dave: shut up and hug john

Jade: shut up and hug john!

Karkat: SHUT UP AND HUG EGBERT.

Kanaya: Shut Up And Embrace Us John

John: see, that synchronized shut up was almost perfect except-

Everyone excluding John: JOHN.

John: okay, okay, hug time!

And the time was indeed hug time, as you all embraced each other and officially reignited the friendship between you all. You have no plans on letting you all drift apart, and you’re certain the others agree.

—————————————————————

(Suddenly, you now have the option to choose between two spectrums of color; blue, red, and gray vs. purple, jade, and bright green.)

(Now I would continue on and be vague as shit about what I’m talking about, but I’m just giving you viewers the choice between seeing a conversation between John, Dave, and Karkat first, or Jade, Rose, and Kanaya. It’s simple and I’m not going to waste your time here, so go ahead and leave your commands in the comments or on that Tumblr that “the Ghost from the Past” keeps raving on about.)

Dude, are you serious.

What?

You literally stole my quirk man, that’s what! I have these colors and everything specifically set up for you!

Okay, Nio, was it? I was just handling your job, and getting it out of the way while you were busy making the art for this chapter. I’m not out for your job, so cool your dick a bit.

That’s not the issue-

Okay, you know what? Whatever, I need to get the character select panels done, you finish typing what you need to.

Peace out, The Lost Author.

Dirk(?): Well, what are you people waiting for?

Dirk(?): Go ahead and send in your commands for either the Gay Dumbasses or the Disaster Lesbians.

======>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s that Tumblr you can dump the commands into. Not sure why he insists on us using this damn thing.  
> -Dirk(?)
> 
> https://divergenthomebound.tumblr.com/post/622988718681260032/note-to-self-when-you-blimey-fucking-wish-to-have
> 
> I thought this post in particular would be more entertaining than just “Blah blah have a tumblr”, so here.


	7. Act 1: Final, Chapter 2 Part 1

==>Be a Knight that talks to a Troll and an Heir.

Well, it seems like we get to see the handsome men of the group first!

You mean the gay dumbasses.

.

Excuse me?

I said the gay dumbasses.

The choice was between the disaster lesbians or the gay dumbasses. We got the gay dumbasses.

I-

Do you have any sense of dignity or respect in this regard? At all????

Because Dirk, you are clearly not taking this as seriously as you ought to be! Where’s your sense of thrill? Of dramatics?

Where’s your sense of sanity?

Dirk, you know I have sanity.

You say, as you laugh like a deranged lunatic whenever you beat me in Street Fighter. I don’t even know why you make me play that game, you know I don’t have any care for pastimes like that.

Actually, you just laugh like a deranged lunatic for absolutely no reason in any given situation. i can’t think of one laugh of yours that didn’t sound like a serial killer on crack.

Sigh. Bloody mongoose on a shitstick strangling old Scrooge. We ought to let the show begin, aye? I don’t think the audience is giving a shite about the tales of our offtime.

Sure, whatever you say. I’m just left wondering now when people will catch on that something is off about you. You don’t even speak like normal Jake, he never says anything like shite. His thing is sounding like some American grandpa from the 1920’s, not an Irish stereotype.

Are you implying I sound like a-

Yes.

Partially.

You also partially sound like a British Joker, except instead of using “laughing gas” to kill people and force their corpses to smile, you invite people to tea parties and shoot them in the face.

Well.

Goodbye folks, happy travels, don’t let the bastard roast you on the way out-

Guess he just proved my point. I’m not even sure how to transcribe the noise that just came out of his mouth onto here beyond “hyena pterodactyl being gagged”.

Dirk and the Ghost, signing out. I have to make sure I didn’t shatter his brain cells.

Now watch three idiots banter for a bit.

John: so karkat, i’ve been wondering about something.

Karkat: HM?

John: do you actually have any clue on what you’re doing with the ectobiology stuff?

John: i can’t remember whether you mentioned it or not, but i feel like i heard something about you doing the ectobiology stuff in your session. it really must have been a pain to deal with!

John: i mean, it was a bit confusing for me on my first try anyway. i was just messing around more than anything.

John: it feels like i reeeeaaaaally should have paid more attention back then to what all the buttons did.

Karkat: IT’S NOT TOO COMPLICATED, AT LEAST FROM WHAT I KNOW.

Karkat: IT’S JUST STEALING A SLIME COPY OF SOME RANDOM BASTARD AND SHOVING IT INTO THE NOOK OF SOME OTHER FUCKER’S SLIME COPY, AND THEN YOU JUST GET A NOISY AS SHIT WIGGLER.

Karkat: ON THE TOPIC OF WIGGLERS, WHY THE HELL ARE HUMANS AT THAT AGE SO MUCH FUCKING NOISIER THAN US?

Dave: im gonna be honest that were just greedy fuckin bastards who want shit 24/7 as babies

Dave: like “oh shit i havent developed the ability to take off my own diaper when i shit myself, gotta shatter everyone’s eardrums in a fifty mile radius”

Dave: or “hot damn i am thirsty as fuck, let me flail my hands like how that motherfucker in the scream movie just flails around his knife like an incompetent bitch until i get what i want”

Dave: lets just be clear that humans are needy as fuck

Dave: end of story

John: yeah, that pretty much summarizes newborns and infants pretty well!

John: i’m glad i got here after you guys moved all the babies, because i bet a hundred of those guys all in one area is bound to be annoying and noisy on an extreme level.

Dave: you weren’t the one who had to experience that a hundred times over bro

Dave: using time powers really saves time on moving shit but boy it can get tedious as all hell, and the previously mentioned noisy kids did not help at all

Karkat: I AM NEVER RAISING CHILDREN AS LONG AS I LIVE, AND THAT IS A PROMISE I INTEND TO TAKE TO MY GRAVE.

Karkat: FOR ALL THE PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED REASONS AND THAT I’D OBVIOUSLY BE A SHIT PARENT, SO THERE’S NO ARGUMENT THERE.

Karkat: TRY AND IMAGINE MY DUMB ASS TRYING TO TEACH A LIVING BEING PROPERLY, AND SEE HOW WELL THAT GOES WHEN I ACCIDENTALLY GIVE A CHILD PTSD FROM SAYING EVERY FUCKING SWEAR KNOWN TO MANKIND.

John: pfff, i can’t imagine any of us being parents honestly.

John: we’d either be too uneducated or waaay to insecure about ourselves to handle kids.

John: think of ONE way i’d be a good parent. i dare you guys.

Dave: being a nice goofball who genuinely loves his child

Karkat: PROBABLY BEING SUPPORTIVE OF YOUR CHILD’S PASSIONS AND DESIRES AND THEIR IDENTITY IN GENERAL?

Dave: helping your kid in every way you can and making sure they’re not traumatized as fuck

Karkat: TEACHING YOUR HUMAN WIGGLER EVERYTHING YOU CAN ABOUT THE WORLD AND MAKING SURE THEY’RE PREPARED FOR LIFE?

John: i said ONE way-

Dave: dude there’s obviously more than one way you’d be amazing at raising anyone my man, there’s so much shit your nerdy ass would be good at handling kid wise

Dave: meanwhile id just be that weird uncle that pops by and buys your kid mountains of candy every day and puts swag lil glasses on their face

Dave: im probably the best uncle material to be honest

Dave: not an amazing father but a dope ass uncle just spoiling your little kid while being somewhat responsible with my life choices

Dave: sick kickflip into being a homeless bastard while i spend whats left of my money taking your kid to amusement parks or something

Dave: to be honest i’d be that deadbeat peter parker from that movie roxy showed me trying to teach miles morales how to be a better spiderman

John: i’ve literally never heard of this movie, what are you talking about?

Karkat: DO YOU MEAN THAT ONE ANIMATED FILM CALLED “ARACHNOBEAST TEALBLOOD: INTO THE SILKVERSE”?

Karkat: OR WHATEVER THE HELL YOUR HUMAN EQUIVALENT OF THAT IS.

Dave: that ones a surprisingly short name for a troll movie

John: yeah, weren’t all your movie names just step by step full on explanations of every scene and little detail in your movies?

Karkat: I SAID WE RAN OUT OF UNIQUE NAMES, DIDN’T I?

Karkat: THERE ARE STILL MOVIES WITH S O M E SHORT TITLES, THEY’RE JUST NOT AS COMMON. IT’S NOT LIKE THEY WENT EXTINCT IN SOME CINEMA ICE AGE.

Karkat: THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO SURVIVE THROUGH WHAT LITTLE FILM STRIPS THEY COULD FIND TO SUSTAIN THEMSELVES ON AS THEY FUCKED EACH OTHER INTO SUBMISSION AND FROZE TO DEATH, AND THEIR FROZEN CORPSES ONLY BEING FOUND 5 MILLION YEARS LATER BY SOME DUMB FUCKERS TRYING TO DIG UP THE AREA FOR SOME CASHGRAB RESPITESPIRE.

Karkat: BUT WHAT HUMAN MOVIE ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT DAVE?

Dave: oh right

Dave: it’s called spiderman: into the spiderverse

Dave: apparently people were still able to make some shit after queen sea nazi invaded roxy and the others universe, so they made a legit cool animated spiderman movie

Dave: and not a shit one like most other spiderman movies are apparently

John: huh.

John: we should probably have another movie night and watch that one! it should at least be entertaining to see this movie whether or not it’s actually good.

Dave: are you doubting roxys and my taste man

John: dave, you literally said that puppets were cool at some point, your taste in literally anything is immediately questionable at BEST.

John: not to mention that you really haven’t talked about what movies you like and dislike much with me beyond deservingly roasting my old favorite movies, so it’s not like you gave me much frame of reference here!

Dave: touché

Karkat: I COULD PROBABLY SHOW YOU BOTH ALTERNIA’S VERSION OF IT IF YOU’RE INTERESTED.

Karkat: IT’S PRETTY DECENT FROM WHAT I’VE SEEN, ALTHOUGH THAT’S NOT SAYING MUCH SINCE IT’S NOT MY CUP OF TEA.

John: it’s probably not your taste since you only watch shitty romcoms with the occasional good one, dude.

Karkat: .

Karkat: SOMETIMES, THE URGE TO COMMIT HUMAN GENOCIDE IS TEMPTING.

Karkat: THIS IS ONE OF THOSE TIMES.

John: pfff

Dave: lol

Karkat: I WILL STRANGLE YOU BOTH WITH MY DIRECTOR’S CUT VERSION OF “LITTLE MANHATTAN”.

Dave: that i alchemized so lovingly for you

Karkat: THAT DAVE ALCHEMIZED SO LOVINGLY FOR ME.

John: okay, now i’m wondering about whether or not you two are gay again, because you guys keep saying love around each other so often.

Karkat: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, HOW MANY TIMES ARE WE GOING TO GO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION?

Karkat: FIRST IT WAS YOU YESTERDAY, THEN JADE TODAY, NOW IT’S YOU AGAIN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHETHER OR NOT DAVE IS TRYING TO SHOVE HIS TONGUE IN MY MOUTH AS WE BOTH CUDDLE ON A COUCH SOMEWHERE.

Karkat: IT’S LIKE YOU COMPLETELY ERASED THE CONCEPTS OF PLATONIC LOVE AND MOIRAILS FROM YOUR MIND, THEN TRIED TO START YOUR OWN FUCKING REALITY TV SHOW CALLED “PRANK THE LESBIANS AND THE GAYS”, WHERE YOU CONSISTENTLY INVADE HOMOSEXUAL COUPLE’S DAILY LIVES TO SHOVE WHOOPIE CUSHIONS ON EVERY SURFACE POSSIBLE AND MAKE THEIR LIVES A LIVING HELL TO THE POINT OF INSANITY, IN WHICH YOU THEN CONTINUE ON TO TRY AND HAND OUT DATING ADVICE TO THEM WHEN THEY’RE IN A MENTAL WARD.

Karkat: IT SOUNDS *WONDERFUL*, REALLY.

Dave: …

Dave: haha yeah what he said

John: i’m just triple checking here guys! it’s not like you don’t give off the gay aura, for example, when dave decided to softly lean against you with his arms around your waist and intermittenly rest his head in the crook of your neck while messing with your hair.

John: you can’t blame anybody for thinking this when you do happy couple stuff so often!

Karkat: THOSE THINGS LITERALLY DON’T HAPPEN JOHN.

John: really?

Karkat: …

Karkat: DAVE.

Dave: yeah

Karkat: YOU REMEMBER HOW YOU SAID YOU WOULDN’T BE AFFECTIONATE WITH ME UNTIL YOU OFFICIALLY CAME OUT?

Dave: yep

Karkat: WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR WHAT YOU’RE DOING RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT? WHAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY DOING IN REGARDS TO MYSELF?

Dave:

Dave: shit

Karkat: YEAH.

Karkat: SMOOTH MOVE STRIDER.

Dave: okay look

Dave: let me reference what i said earlier

Dave: humans are needy as shit

Dave: i kinda lied about the neediness only being with babies man

Dave: this strider is touch starved as fuck

John: considering how you’re just draping yourself all over karkat…

John: yeah, you look pretty touch starved alright!

John: and sorta awkward too while we’re on the topic.

John: i dunno if thats the best position for you to be leaning on karkat dude, it looks pretty uncomfortable!

Dave: nah i’m good

Dave: having the time of my life hanging on to karkeys here

Dave: it’s like that cliche motivational cat poster except something’s hanging on the cat instead of the cat hanging on something

Dave: 100% comfy as fuck right now my man

Karkat: YOUR CHIN DIGGING INTO MY SHOULDER MAKES ME NOT EXACTLY ENJOY THIS AS MUCH AS YOU DO DAVE.

Dave: okay okay i’ll readjust in a sec

Dave: just gotta love on my karks

Karkat: TO GIVE A BASIC BREAKDOWN, DAVE IS A BISEXUAL DISASTER OF A GOD.

Karkat: AND HE LET THE PUNY MORTAL KNOWN AS I SUFFER THROUGH THE PAIN OF BEING HIS PARTIAL MATESPRIT AND PARTIAL MOIRAIL.

Dave: oh come on man you love me

Karkat: I LOVE A HOPELESS CLINGY BASTARD, AND HOW I GOT INTO THIS POSITION IS BEYOND ME.

Karkat: BUT YES. YES I DO.

John: okay, wow, dave just immediately lets his guard down like this.

John: it’s like you flipped a switch in him by being in his presence or something and just overloaded his brain with karkat loving brain cells.

John: he went full lovable dork mode!

Karkat: SAYS YOU.

John: hey, if i’m a dork, i’m perfectly qualified to call someone out for being a dork!

John: dorks have a special built in radar that detects their bretheren! and it seems…

John: haha, i detected two other dorks besides me!

Karkat: OH WOW, I DIDN’T REALIZE YOUR RADAR COULD DETECT JADE FROM HERE.

Karkat: HELLO, CAPTAIN FUCKHEAD ROMCOM? YES, THIS IS THE VANTAS CORPS SQUAD 69 COMING IN, WE’VE PICKED UP SIGNALS OF ENEMY SUBMARINES, SUPPOSEDLY MODELS OF MAYDAY HARLEY 102, TORNADO EGBERT 413, AND STRIDER STRIPED 420 AIMING THEIR DUMBASS EMITTERS AT US. WE’LL CATCH THE DUMBASS IF WE ALLOW THE EMITTERS TO REMAIN FUNCTIONAL.

Karkat: VANTAS CORPS SQUAD 69 WOULD THEN EVICERATED ALL THREE SUBMARINES AND RENDERED THEM COMPLETE FUCKING TOOLS, LEAVING THEM AT THE SEAFLOOR OF THE NERD OCEAN, NEVER TO ESCAPE.

Karkat: EVERYONE WOULD PRAISE THE VANTAS CORPS ON THEIR EXCELLENT WORK, SO INTIMIDATED BY MY EXCELLENCE IN NON DORKHOOD THAT THEY GROVEL AT MY FEET AND BEG TO KISS MY BOOTS.

Terezi: OOO, D1D 1 H34R TH3 B3G1NN1NG OF 4NOTH3R COPYR1GHT3D K4RK4T R4NT?

Dave: holy sweet jesus fuck

Dave: hey you two hows it going is there any gay here nope none that i see hows it hangin

Karkat: SIGH.

John: oh hey roxy, hey terezi! what’re you guys doing here?

John: we’re just talking, it’s not like much of interest is happening with us at the moment.

Terezi: YOU M34N B3S1D3S D4V3 B31NG G4Y

Dave: (bisexual)

Terezi: Y34H, TH4T

John: i mean besides dave being bisexual!

Roxy: imma be honest we just were in the area so we thought wed drop by u boys since we were all done with the grand lizard cottages

Roxy: and they have honestly not improved much architecture wise but they are too dang cute rping a little court in our new courthouse that i can’t help but not give a shit

Terezi: (TH3 COURTHOUS3 B31NG COURT3SY OF PYROP3)

Roxy: still managed to get some quality work done regardless so we should be all good here yo!

Roxy: but yeah what r u adorbs nerds up to

John: we were just talking about sexuality stuff, as i’m probably guessing you guys picked up on.

John: well, less talking about that stuff in general and more like we were talking about dave absolutely failing to hide that he’s bisexual with karkat.

Dave: (gasp)

Dave: (the betrayal of the bro code)

Karkat: HOW HE MANAGED TO KEEP THIS A SECRET FOR SO LONG IS BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION BY NOW, INCLUDING THE FACT THAT WE’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT STARTED WHAT, 3 WEEKS AGO? HE WAS FUNCTIONING NORMALLY THEN.

Dave: (double gasp)

Dave: (you ex bros have finally destroyed my bro pact in the name of broliness with you two)

Dave: (you have offended the bro ancestors)

Roxy: awwwww, thats super cute

Roxy: grumpster with the soft insecure boy is an adorable dynamic

Roxy: (guess you HAVE been in love huh)

Dave: (the bro ancestors have forsaken me)

Roxy: (i AM ur bro ancestor i get full rights to call u adorable for being positively cute)

Dave: (fuck)

Terezi: L3T M3 GU3SS, N3XT UP W3’R3 GONN4 BR1NG UP JOHN’s D3N14L OF H1S S3XU4L OR13NT4T1ON N3XT?

Terezi: B3C4US3 TH4T WOULD B3 4BSOLUT3LY *D3L1C1OUS* TO B34R SN1FF1NG TO, SOM3 MOR3 D1RT ON 3GB3RT N3V3R K1LL3D 4NYON3

John: what? no!

John: why the heck would i secretly be gay or something? that’s dumb and makes absolutely no sense.

John: i’m perfectly happy and fine with my own sexual preferences, thanks!

Roxy: hmmmmmm

John: oh come on, roxy, back me up here!

Roxy: well johnny

Roxy: you didnt state what your sexual preference was now did u ;)

Roxy: not to mention that we didnt say u werent straight in particular

John: AUUUUUUGH

Dave: well shit karma hit you fast egbert

John: >:(

Karkat: NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, JOHN BEING CLOSETED ISN’T ACTUALLY IMPLAUSIBLE.

John: karkat!!

Karkat: JOHN, HEAR ME OUT HERE.

Karkat: AT LEAST ENTERTAIN THE HYPOTHESIS I’M BUILDING HERE BEFORE YOU SHOOT IT DOWN LIKE A RABID BARKBEAST TRYING TO TEAR OFF YOUR TESTICLES.

John: ugh, fine!

John: for the record, i think this is absolutely dumb to worry about this so much! whoever i’m attracted to is not that important-

John: wait, that sounds hypocritical now that it’s coming out of my mouth.

Dave: yeah

Dave: i was waiting for you to catch onto that one man

Dave: you did try and pester me twice about being gay man

Dave: and you were technically wrong about that anyway but the point stands dude

Dave: you walked into the sexuality trap all by yourself

Dave: now lie in it

Dave: i warned you about the sexuality talk bro

John: but you didn’t actually-

John: okay, karkat, just end my misery and state your hypothesis, please?

Karkat: YOU MIGHT NOT EVEN BE AWARE THAT YOU COULD BE INTO GUYS, JOHN. IT’S NOT LIKE YOU HAVE TESTED IT OR ANYTHING.

Karkat: FOR THE WHOLE TIME I’VE KNOWN YOU, YOU’VE GONE AHEAD AND ACTIVELY PUSHED AWAY THOUGHTS OF ROMANCE, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT.

Karkat: JADE TOLD ME THAT ONE TIME SHE BROUGHT UP THE (ADMITTEDLY SHITTY) SHIPPING CHART I MADE AND YOU IMMEDIATELY TRIED DODGING OUT OF IT LIKE YOU WERE KIDNAPPED AND FORCED ONTO A DATING SHOW .

Karkat: ON THE DATING SHOW YOU’RE FORCED TO ONLY CHOOSE BETWEEN THREE MALES THAT ALL WANT TO GET THEIR ASSES IN YOUR QUADRANTS.

Karkat: AND FORGIVE MY TERRIBLE ERIDAN IMPRESSION, BUT HIS VOICE SOUNDS CLOSEST TO A HOPELESS ROMANTIC BASTARD.

Karkat: “Please wwould you marry me kind sir i wwish to be your matesprit, don’t you fuckin walk out that door”

Karkat: TO WHICH YOU RESPOND WITH;

Karkat: “ew no, what the fuck you creepy crannyplatter! stick your nose somewhere that isn’t my human nook you bulgecock!”

John: that impression of me just sounds like you without your voice sounding so grumpy and scratchy.

John: which is actually eerily similar to my voice?

Karkat: TRUST ME, IT WEIRDED ME OUT TOO THE FIRST TIME.

Terezi: 1 W4NT TO BULLY JOHN MOR3 V4NT4S, S4V3 TH3 R3ST OF TH4T R4NT

Terezi: COM3 ON 3GB3RT, YOU S3R1OUSLY C4N’T T3LL M3 TH4T NOT ON3 ROM4NT1C THOUGHT POPP3D 1NTO YOUR H34D WH3N YOU CHOS3 TO B3 4 DORK 4ROUND D4V3’S Y34RN1NG 4SS

Terezi: 4ND ON 4 R3L4T3D NOT3, YOUR S3CR3T JOHN CRUSH JOURN4L W4SN’T V3RY S3CR3T D4V3

John: HIS W H A T-

Dave: okay how the hell did you know about that

Dave: i had like

Dave: the most secure fuckin password on the planet

Karkat: HIS PASSWORD WAS “SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF THE TRUE BOOGALOO” IN SO MANY LAYERS OF LEETSPEAK THAT I SWEAR HE RETROACTIVELY PARTNERED UP WITH EVERY ONE OF US TROLLS TO MAKE THAT THING FUCKING UNINTELLIGBLE.

Karkat: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY HALF OF THE SYMBOLS WERE IN THERE, 2 LITERALLY REPLACED THE LETTER A.

Karkat: THE FUCKING LETTER A.

Karkat: I DON’T EVEN HAVE AN EXPLANATION FOR THAT, OR ANY FUCKING ANALOGY, THAT’S JUST STRAIGHT HERESY.

Roxy: he ascended beyond the leetest of haxxors

Roxy: he became the eleet of the leet

John: ARE WE NOT GOING TO DISCUSS WHAT TEREZI SAID ABOUT DAVE-

Roxy: hush i just made the greatest pun u’d ever hear in ur lifetime

Roxy: give it a sec of silence

John: ….

Roxy: ….

Roxy: okay now u can reasonably scream at terezi

John: TEREZI WHAT THE FUCK YOU DONT JUST DROP THAT-

Dave: i will now go back and time and make sure john never got us on this topic

Dave: i dont even care if it dooms me now man my cred is ruined now

Dave: my john reputation annihlated

Dave: obliterated

Dave: destroyed

Terezi: C4LM TH3 FUCK DOWN YOU WH1NY W1GGL3RS J3SUS

Terezi: 1 D1DN’T 3V3N G3T TO S4Y TH4T D4V3 ST1LL H4S F33L-

John and Dave: SHUT UP TEREZI

Terezi: >:]

Terezi: OH 1S 1T GOOD TO H4V3 YOU TWO TOG3TH3R 4G41N

Terezi: 1 4LMOST FORGOT HOW FUN 1T W4S TO C4US3 3MOT1ON4L H4VOC

Roxy: you two really do get flustered easily huh

Roxy: its cute i gotta say

Roxy: :3

John and Dave: THIS IS TORTURE

Karkat: I’M NOT SURPRISED THAT OUR INTERACTIONS WENT BACK TO BUSINESS AS USUAL.

John: okay, before i continue freaking out, dave, i wanna say something

Dave: no you don’t

John: can we get back to maturity for five minutes and let me speak???

Dave: haha i was kidding go ahead bro

John: was terezi lying about that crush and the journal?

Dave: nope

Dave: my daily ramblings of how nerdy as fuck you are and why i love you are pretty well fuckin documented dude

Dave: encyclopedia of the homosexual escapades of the one dave strider now coming to stores when my blood vessels burst

Dave: but yeah

Dave: definitely wasn’t a lie

Dave: heh

John: ...huh.

Dave: is

Dave: is that bad or

John: it’s not bad, don’t worry about that!

John: i just… didn’t expect that?

John: because back then before the game, i was a complete nerdy doofus with what felt like a bajillion unappealing qualities with romance.

John: okay, you know what, let’s just move on and not embarass ourselves further-

Dave: my vote goes with egbert here

Terezi: W41T, HOLD ON

Terezi: W3 N33D TO G3T OUR ROM4NT1C FLUST3R3D BULLSH1T ON SO W3 4CTU4LLY H4V3 SOM3TH1NG 1NT3R3ST1NG TO 4CTU4LLY D1SCUSS H3R3

Terezi: SO W3 W O N ‘ T MOV3 ON N3RDS

Karkat: AS RESIDENT ROMANCE EXPERT TEREZI, I SAY SHUSH.

Terezi: WH4T 4 W3LL WORD3D OBJ3CT1ON TO MY ST4T3M3NT!

Terezi: BUT TH3 PROS3CUT1ON S4YS NO 4ND TH4T T4LL P3OPL3 G3T NO CONV3RS4T1ON R1GHTS

Karkat: I’M LITERALLY ONLY 3 EARTH INCHES TALLER THAN YOU.

Terezi: HUSH MIST3R TWO DR4GONF33T FOUR

John: huh?

Dave: five foot six

John: oooooh.

John: wait, how had we never brought up troll measurement systems in our session???

Dave: beats me man i only learned about it a year ago

Roxy: how longs a dragon foot then

Roxy: actually what species of dragon foot was measured if that’s actually what its based on

Roxy: bonus points if the dragon is adorable and huggable

Roxy: i better get to hug it

Terezi: TH3 4CTU4L H1STORY OF HOW DR4GONFEET C4M3 TO B3 FOR M34SUR3M3NTS 1S 4CTU4LLY V4GU3 4S SH1T

Terezi: SOM3 S4Y TH4T TH3 DR4CON1C HOM3W4RD SL3W 4 SP1R4LFLYT3, S4W3D OFF 1T’S F33T B3LOW TH3 4NKL3S, TH3N CRUSH3D TH3 TYR4NT RUL1NG OV3R ROY4LSTUMP 1N UPP3R 4LT3RN14 W1TH TH3 S4W3D OFF CL4WS

Terezi: WH1CH 1S FUCK1NG STUP1D

Terezi: CL34RLY H3 SHOULD H4V3 STR4NGL3D H1M W1TH 4 NOOS3 OF SC4L3S >:[

Roxy: okay that wasnt as wholesome as expected

Roxy: sounds pretty badass of him imo

Roxy: where does the feet thing come in

Roxy: did they just look at the body and think

Roxy: oh neat dead body

Roxy: wait we can measure stuff with this foot cant we

Roxy: just gotta slap some units on a stick and bam handy dandy lil measuring tool

Terezi: N4H TH3Y JUST CH4NG3D TH3 N4M3 OF TH31R UN1TS OF M34SUR3M3NT 1N H1S HONOR

Terezi: 1TS HON3STLY 4 BOR1NG STORY

Terezi: 1T P4L3S 1N COMP4R1SON TO TH3 T4L3S OF TH4T JUD1C14L ATTORNYXER KNOWN AS PH13ONYX 3DG3W4RT, DOCUM3NT1NG H1S BRUT4L TR14LS 1N M4NY 4LT3RN14N COURTS F1GHT1NG FOR TH3 4BOL1SHM3NT OF TH3 H3MOSP3CTRUM

Terezi: H3 W4SN’T SUCC3SSFUL OBV1OUSLY BUT H3’S H1L4R1OUS

Terezi: OK4Y W41T GOD D4MN 1T

Terezi: 1 ST1LL OBJ3CT TO JOHN 4ND D4V3 TRY1NG TO W1GGL3 4W4Y FROM TH3 G4Y, 4ND TH4T 1 N33D TO 100% FUCK W1TH TH3M ON 1T

Karkat: THE JUDGE THRESHECUTIONER SAYS FUCK YOU AND THAT COURT IS ADJOURNED.

Karkat: WOW, I SURE HAVE BEEN OBJECTED!

Karkat: SO MUCH SO THAT I SHALL SLOWLY LOWER MY FAKE ASS NONEXISTENT GAVEL TOWARDS THE LITTLE GAVEL SLAMMING THING OR WHATEVER ITS CALLED AND CALL THIS STUPID CONVERSATION ADJOURNED!

Karkat: LOOK, WATCH MY HAND SLOWLY MOVE DOWN TO BANG THE STUPID MINI HAMMER ON THE NONEXISTENT GAVEL BANGER SLAB OBJECT ON MY NONEXISTENT JUDGE BOOTH OR WHATEVER THE FUCK.

Karkat: ACTUALLY, SPEAKING OF FUCKS, MY FUCKS HAVE COMPLETELY GONE DOWN THE DRAIN WITH YOUR OBJECTION.

Karkat: DEFENSE, DO YOU AGREE THAT WE SHOULD JUST LET THIS THE FUCK GO?

John: …are dave and i the defense?

Karkat: YES, GENIUS.

John: then yes-

Dave: we hereby object the objection and blah blah ace attorney reference

Roxy: wait u played ace attorney

Roxy: hold on was it apollo justice or pheonix the main lawyer?

Roxy: or athena?

Roxy: trust me athena cykes is awesome you had to have seen her do her little mood gadgety stuff

Roxy: not to mention her character arc

Dave: imma be honest i only know basic level shit here

Dave: pheonix and edgeworth being bros being dudes and all

Dave: except platonic kismesis bros i guess

Dave: point is i only played the first game

Dave: im the noob of the franchise yo

Dave: not to mention i fucking sucked at it

Karkat: COURT ADJOURNED, FUCKS ANIHILATED, DISTRACTIONS BITCHSLAPPED.

Terezi: UGH, F1111N3

Terezi: WH4T TH3 H3LL DO W3 H4V3 TO DO TH3N???

Terezi: W3’V3 4LR34DY F1N1SH3D UP OUR SH1T W4Y 34RL13R TH4N 3XP3CT3D SO TH4T W3 C4N GO DO TH3 T1MEJUMP BULLSH1T, WH4T’S 3V3N TH3 HOLD UP?

Terezi: 1F W3’R3 GONN4 W4ST3 T1M3 W3 M1GHT 4S W3LL B3 3NT3RT41N3D

John: well we can’t leave the others behind, we know that jade, rose, and kanaya are doing final sweeps of the meteor and checking stuff.

John: which could take a while…

Dave: not to mention dirk jake and callie are still doing their stuff

Dave: whatever that stuff is

Dave: rose hadn’t exactly said shit on what they’re doing but im just guessing its important shit they need to do or something

Roxy: and janey hasn’t gotten back yet!

Roxy: can’t leave my favorite gal pal hangin out in the void or something w/ the creepy spider nutjob

Roxy: trust me

Roxy: janey would probs start tearing her hair out over some egotist holier-than-u dickwad

Roxy: probably would take out a large ass spoon, ready it like a batter ready 2 save the game from a one point loss, and

Roxy: THWACK

Roxy: head gets bonked into a homerun

Roxy: one does not simply survive mama crock’s bad side let me tell u that

John: yeah, it seemed like vriska was kind of on thin ice with jane already!

John: i’m sure that they’re probably almost here, i don’t think that they could stand another minute of being alone together.

John: in the meantime, i guess we’ll just stick around here. i think we’ve gotten to everything we needed to!

John: we could go see if dirk, jake, or calliope want help?

John: hold up a second guys, gotta answer something real quick!

timaeusTestified(TT) began pestering ectoBiologist(EB) at 12:59 PM

TT: So, I heard from a certain Seer that you’ve gotten back already. Have to say from earlier, did not appreciate your vanishing trick that then proceeded to forget the part where the vanisher gets his ass back to the alchemiter as soon as he could.

EB: gah, sorry!

EB: i didn’t mean to ditch you dude, you know how things got somewhat complicated after i zapped away.

EB: besides, i have time to make up for it with you right? it’s not like this is the only time we’ll be talking after all.

TT: I’ll be keeping your debt in mind, John. I’m sure we’ll find a way to settle your dues.

TT: But that’s not why I contacted you.

TT: According to everything else Rose told me,

TT: Including how I was e%luded from knowing the shadow mistress had dispensed all your chumhandles to him-

timaeusTestified(TT) banned timaeusTesticles(TT) from the conversation.

EB: uh-

TT: Ignore the sweaty bastard from hell.

TT: Like I was saying, Rose told me you completed her assignment in the bubbles. Considering that you’re texting me, I’m assuming that it went marginally well at least.

TT: As in nobody committed murder.

TT: Somewhat concerning that I have to establish that part considering what little I know on Serket beyond the flattering descriptor of sociopath, but you get it.

EB: we kinda had a big battle, but beyond that not much happened!

EB: i don’t know if you know her, but Aranea kind of came to try and kill all of us, come back to life, and live in the new universe. at least, that’s what i know of it.

EB: not sure if she had a secret ulterior plan with that, but she kind of got knocked out, so we should be worry free!

TT: …

TT: No, I don’t know Aranea. At least, I probably don’t know this specific one.

TT: But I doubt she’s too big of a deal if you and Jane handled her with little issue.

TT: Has Jane gotten back yet, on the topic of our efficienado in baked goodness?

EB: i’m not sure! i haven’t seen her around yet, she must still be getting to the universe door with vriska.

EB: although jane probably took vriska behind the door and stabbed her fifty times. would probably not be too implausible, considering how much she annoys Jane already.

TT: If I know Jane as well as I do, she wouldn’t be able to stand her for five minutes, let alone a casual flight throughout the wonderful vacation getaway of collapsing reality with a frog side view of a green black hole. Ignoring the fact that a black hole having color makes no sense, yet here we are.

TT: But that theory of yours might actually be more true than you expect.

TT: Guess we’ll need to look for fork holes alongside keeping tabs on Jane’s whereabouts.

EB: pfff, probably!

EB: oh wait, hold on a second.

TT: What is it?

ectoBiologist (EB) changed to ghostlyTrickster (GT)

GT: i just thought i should change back to my original chum handle! i always liked this one.

GT: anyway, i was also going to say that if you’re done with your job, you can come hang out with us!

TT: Who’s “us” in particular?

TT: You haven’t exactly clarified where you are right now.

GT: i’m just with roxy, terezi, karkat, and dave!

GT: we all finished up the stuff we needed to do, so we just went ahead and hung out together! jade, rose, and kanaya are just checking up on stuff with the ectobiology labs and everything, but they should be able to hang out with us soon too!

TT: We’re almost done, so Jake and I might join you soon. It sounds fun, in any case.

TT: It might be interesting to talk more with some of you. Well, maybe exempting Terezi. She did go and maliciously slobber all over my personal belongings.

GT: pfff, yeah, she’s a real agent of chaos sometimes.

GT: she just tried to cause emotional distress in dave over being gay for karkat, which was funny until i was tortured for seeming like i was secretly gay.

GT: STILL don’t know where they got that from!

TT: Well, you are a complete twink.

GT:

GT: excuse me, what?????

TT:

timaeusTestified(TT) is now an idle chum!

GT: HEY, COME BACK HERE-

GT: WHAT THE HELL IS A TWINK???

timaeusTestified(TT) is no longer an idle chum!

TT: Sorry, I had to take a second to collect myself from laughing.

TT: A twink is essentially a young, feminine, and skinny guy who looks like he’s probably gay.

GT: i do NOT look girly!

GT: skinny, yeah, but i don’t look like a girl!

TT: John, i guarantee if I told any of your friends about that, they would cite you as a prime candidate for being a twink.

TT: You’re an absolute nerd who would definitely not actually be opposed to doing things that seem girly, because you probably wouldn’t give a fuck.

TT: Am I wrong?

GT: hell yeah you are!

GT: ugh, whatever, you’re as big of a dork as dave.

GT: feel free to come hang out with us when you’re done, bluh bluh not a twink!

GT: BYE

ghostlyTrickster (GT) set their mood to RANCOROUS!

ghostlyTrickster (GT) is now an idle chum!

TT: …

TT: So, what do you all think?

TG: definitely a twink bro

TG: can’t think of anything better to describe him than a skinny fun dude who definitely acts gay

TT: I have to say, according to your descriptors, I would have to agree with Dave.

TT: I will need to make some observations to be sure, for my amusement of course.

GG: a complete twink, without a doubt!

GG: i never thought a word could be so accurate to describe him!

GG: you have done the scientific world a service dirk :P

GT: I CAN STILL READ THIS YOU ASSES

TT: The votes have been counted, John.

TT: The people have spoken.

TG: theres nothing wrong with being a dork man

TG: its just your natural charghajshgfhdhsksZhshahDuYHrg2626/748::fhsugxhyc

TG: ;;))/&3,$&8:?djayuxjiezhzYhDhHcwxZjx6:?siah$

GT: soaHwxT;(2~ahaiDiSkGVSHGf€|>\/&,&,&:.? AggDiXFDFGGG;$GhazlZ*|<€GRg-55-^#HuschgszHssjsg

TT: And it’s safe to assume those two are now wrestling each other for their phones.

TT: Well, Dave’s phone and John’s PDA, to be precise.

TT: I have to say, I thought it would have taken them longer to start brawling and smashing the digital keyboards.

GG: wait, john’s still using a PDA?

GG: didn’t roxy hand out phones for us to use earlier?

TT: I was holding on to John’s for him.

TT: Forgot to hand it to him before he zapped away into the bubbly dream afterlife of cracked time and space.

TT: He’ll get it later.

GT: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

GT: YOU GUYS SUCK

TG: love ya too egbert

TG: wait don’t try stealing my phone again please

TG: don’t youafjshdhgifkhsg/$2)/\\*GdJfLsiazja

GT: FUAC KYOIU ADG HG

TT: And my job here is complete.

—————————————————————

I must say, that was one of the less eventful conversations to date.

I had hoped there would be more!

It’s serviceable. Not every bit of this that we watch is going to be action packed or super impactful on where their path takes them.

Sometimes, it’s just four teens making fun of a twink.

Don’t see the harm in that.

Besides, this is only the first half showing one specific perspective.

We do still have the disaster lesbians.

You do provide a good point there sir, there does so happen to be the lovely ladies’ side of events!

I wouldn’t necessarily call them “Disaster Lesbians” however, as you so daftly put it.

Well, Jade’s the only one who isn’t a lesbian as far as I know.

She’s just a disaster.

Oh put a sock in it you blimey hooligan.

Well, audience, as much as I wish to make things quick for you, we must wait to see the next half of this venture.

This should suffice regardless!

We appreciate your company as always,

Dirk and-

Jake, signing out.

I-

What? We don’t need the stupid codenames, they can already tell who we are.

…

Bah, you suck all the life out of my little schemes. Do as you wish!

Jake and Dirk, signing out!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this chapter! I’ll probably post updates whenever I can, so look out for more!


End file.
